I'm Some Weird Chick

I feel like I’m this super difficult friend. Over the past 2 months, I’ve drifted away from two of my really good friends.

One of them, I’ve been friends with for 9 years. She has a hard exterior, and I defended that exterior many times over the years. For a while now, however, I couldn’t do anything right with her. If we went to bars, I always left too early… or the bar was too smokey… or her type of guy wasn’t there. I ended up feeling guilty half the time or stressed that she wouldn't have a good time when we went out. Also, she’d sometimes just be straight out mean to me… like tell me not to talk to certain people… or to not do this or that. I know a lot of what she did was to look out for my best interests, and that’s also why we remained friends for a while. Now, my frustration has built up for so long that we just kinda’ stopped calling each other.

Another friend, I don’t really even know what happened with. She lives the closest to me, but I see her the least out of all my friends. When I call her, I get this vibe that she’s just doing her own thing. I think she has a tendency to close herself off when she has a boyfriend. And that was fine for a while. Then, she’d call me only when she had emergencies with him, but never really to find out how I’m doing or to hang out... or if something good was happening for me, I always kinda felt like she didn't want to know. Then it was always, “let’s hang out” but no real follow through. Then, she’d call me late at night from a bar with her boyfriend and wonder why I couldn’t drop what I was doing to hang out. Could we ever do something just the girls? I know she’d consider me one of her good friends and me the same, but in some ways, I just kind of gave up. I just kind of felt like the friendship became one sided… me there for her, and not necessarily having her there for me. These feelings came to fruition recently when she didn’t make it out for my birthday. She had rehearsal and what was meeting up at 8:30-9, turned into 10:30 – 11 when I had already gone home. I totally understand you want to grab a bite to eat, but we live in cheap fast eat central…. And she said she’d be there. Then she went to dinner with her boyfriend… that she lives with. I feel like I make a concerted effort to go to the things that are important to her, and I know she knows this… but when something (one thing) is important to me, she wasn’t there. She’s a great individual with a lot to offer, but I’m just feeling like it’s no longer offered to me… and I’m not certain how to address this. I really do care about her and am clearly affected by her, but I really really have no idea what to do.

I probably expect way too much from people… I feel like it’s some fault of my own that I’m unable to make these friendships successful. I also think way too much about it. And I do know that I have many successful friendships, but these ones are sticking with me right now.

I feel like I’m some weird chick who doesn’t have all her shit together…and has “issues”… I hate “issues” fuck those… everyone’s fucking weird and has altercations with friends, right? Oh well, who the fuck cares… I try and I’m trying…I fuck up all the time… everyone does. That’s life… we’re just all trying to make our way. Blah.