Brotherly Wavering

I think I’m incapable of sustaining feelings for another person for a long period of time. I’ve reached a point with the Brother where my energy to put forth effort is severely lagging. Here’s a bit of history (an honest one):

First love in college – wavered, wavered, wavered, left for Peace Corps and was fine with leaving a relationship behind.

Live-in Boyfriend After College – before moving in together, regretted my decision immediately, tried to work on it just because we had this living situation.

DV – wavered, wavered, wavered… he even said that he could see “it’s over” come across my face a few times… he never trusted my feelings for him…. he was right, but when he dumped me cuz I wasn’t safe, I wanted what I couldn’t have.

And now…

The Brother – the beginning is always fun, but now that the dust has settled, I worry that I can’t stir up vigor for the relationship. Some of it has to do with the sex. He’s great at it, but he never instigates it. There’s no real passion. Sometimes I feel like we’re just “doing it”. He’s this amazing guy. I respect him so much as a person, but fuck, I’m just not certain if we’ll have that “extra something.” It could also have to do with the fact that we really don’t get to spend much quality time together. He has rehearsal and shows almost every night. The only day that we both have off is Sunday. If we get a night together, it’s usually after rehearsal at midnight, and we go right to sleep because I have work early. I suppose I just don’t feel very close to him… that perhaps I’ll just never have enough of him, so in some sense, I’ve given up.

I pretty much feel like shit about it. I’m fairly certain that he’s very much into me, for now at least. I’m hoping this is just a phase. Fuck, what the fuck is wrong with me? It seems that anyone who’s into me I just don’t seem to like back with the same intensity. I want what I can’t have. Am I so frightened of intimacy or some stupid shit like that? I don’t know why I would be. I have no crazy past that would make me such a way.

Frankly, I’m just an idiot. Perhaps I was made to be single forever…. To just love the idea of someone, but not someone real. Of course, I’m going to give this time because he truly is amazing… but shit, I can sit here and analyze myself to death, but fact of the matter, this shit is still in my head. I feel sick now.