I Can't Be For Real

I couldn’t be more predictable if I tried. Now that those crazy things we like to call “emotions” are kicking in, the fighter in me is kicking right back. Everyone hates being vulnerable, but being the extremist I am, I take that hate to a new level. The Brother is a beautiful man, and I adore him, and I’m pretty certain he adores me. However, I’m giving birth to intense insecurities about the true nature of his feelings for me. I’m in serious panic mode.

Be prepared to hate me… DV just emailed, out of the blue for the 3rd time in the past 2 weeks… funny how he just showed up again… anyway, we’re watching a movie tonight at my house. Part of me is saying, “fuck I can’t have all my eggs in one basket w/ The Brother,” so I’m hanging out w/ DV… not that I even would want to be with DV, but it’s like some fucked up declaration to myself…. That I’m free – that I can do whatever I want – that The Brother isn’t everything to me…. But DV and I can be friends… I mean c’mon, the worst thing he really did was dump me…. Well, I guess that is pretty bad… I mean who the fuck dumps Miss Curious? Hm. Okay, I just can’t do anything stupid tonight that might jeopardize things w/ The Brother. Well, it’s only been 1 week with the boy… it’s not like we’re getting married. OK, everything’s okay. Yes, that’s it, everything’s just fine.

So you're right, everything's not just fine... AND I’m addicted to cigarettes. Anyone know those things were addictive? Apparently, I didn’t. Right now, everything’s a good reason for a cigarette:

- Midge won’t talk to me… cigarette please.
- I didn’t like the tone in her voice… cigarette.
- I have too much work… but I have time for a…. cigarette.
- Thoughts about The Brother… cigarette… cigarette… and cigarette.
- DV’s coming over… cigarette… cigarette… cigarette.

Can I just say that I’m clearly a head case? Why the fuck can’t I just chill the fuck out. Okay, act normal. Act normal.