So I'm Psycho.

“Let’s get you drunk,” DV says carrying a bottle of wine up my front stairs.

I nervously laugh and what I’m doing becomes frighteningly clear. After pouring our drinks, we headed to the roof for a…. surprise, cigarette. We chat for a while, and he rubs my knee. It felt awkward, and the nervous laugh comes out again.

We headed back to my studio, turned down the lights, got on our stomachs and began watching the movie. Suddenly, I felt his hand on my lower back. My eyes widened. His thumb found the small bit of skin exposed and slowly moved it back and forth. I thought that if I would just remain still and laugh at the attempts at humor in the movie, he’d remove his hand.

Of course that didn’t work. His hand moved to my wide-ass and gave it a full hand rub. Didn’t think my eyes could get wider, but they certainly did. My mind spun out of control as a psychotic episode ensued… I was thinking, “I’m single, this feels good… I hate being so hooked on The Brother… The Brother has total control over me… what do I need to prove… shit-fuck-fuck… where are the cigarettes when I need them… why do I have this desperate need to sabotage something so amazing with someone who doesn’t deserve me? Why do I need to have conflict in my head? Why can’t I just be happy and enjoy this time w/ the Brother?… what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m fucking psycho!?! I feel sick now.”

And DV kept touching me, and I let him. And I didn’t look at him. I just kept watching the movie. His hands roamed over my clothed body. And then he tried to take things farther. And the masculine horny side of me thought about it for minute… but I looked at him – his lips… and thought about the Brother’s voicemail waiting to be heard when DV left… and I said, “Look, I have strong feelings for someone else. I’d love to hook-up for this momentary sense of satisfaction, but I’d have too much conflict in my head if I took this further. I’m really sorry if I gave you the impression that something would happen. But it’s not. And won’t unless whatever I have going on with this man should end.”

DV, “Well, I’d love for something physical to happen now… I mean we should be fucking right this minute… and I guess it’s my own fault that I ever let you go.” And he left.

And I had the vindication I had wanted for such a long time with him… but like anything, it came at a time where it no longer mattered… and where I actually felt sorry for him.