Foot-in-Mouth Disease

Compiling a list of stupid things I’ve done isn’t very difficult. I don’t often get embarrassed, but there have been a couple of occasions where those stupid things have caused wide-eyed, clenched teeth, and a lower lip grisly smile and thoughts screaming, “uh-oh, did I do that?”

- About six months ago, I was invited to a small gathering. My date, Midge, mentioned that the host didn’t drink. I figured, oh, well, other folks will, so I’ll just bring a nice bottle of Pinot Noir. Alcoholism isn’t a reason that ever crossed my mind for the host being a non-imbiber. Yes, I’m naïve. We arrive at the party and like a straight man walking into a gay bar suddenly noticing the absence of women, I suddenly noticed that the cans in the coolers weren’t bud light, but Hansen’s natural soda… in lieu of forties and wine bottles, there were liters of diet coke and Evian. Needless to say, everyone was a recovering alcoholic, and I brought the alcohol, “uh-oh, did I do that?”

- Faceless man says, “oh where were you?”
My dumbass, “yo’ mama’s house.”
With his sudden change of tone, Faceless man retorts, “hm, my mom just died.”
“Uh-oh, did I do that?”


Maybe the “foot-in-mouth” disease is hereditary. I’m coming from a woman, let’s call her Mom, whose classic faux pas was:

- The Setting: In Church prior to Sunday morning mass

Addressing the woman in her two-piece Imitation Chanel Suit seated beside her, “When’s the baby due?”
(We all know how this one ends)

Imitation Chanel Suit replies, “I’m not pregnant.”
Okay, Mom, you should have simply apologized and left it there, but that’d be too easy, “Oh, my apologies. It’s always difficult to lose the weight right after having a baby.”
Imitation Chanel Suit, “I had it three years ago.”
I’m certain my Mom did an, “Uh-Oh, did do that?”