Fuck a Duck.

Here's an email I just sent to a friend of mine... it sums up my latest thoughts:

so you like TR... that's cool... the beginning's always the best part.
it'd be nice to have a million beginnings... to never get to the part where going to bed at nine instead of hanging out seems like a better option. i hope things continue to go well for you and tr... i'll try not to be judgemental of her tr at 25... i'm trying, hahaha... not successfully however! hahaha! who am i to talk though, i dye my hair every color of the rainbow and think about tattoos i want to get.

here goes a bit of my rant that you were supposed to be on the receiving end of last night.... i have this psychotic self-awareness... i watch myself getting annoyed or frustrated or let down, and i know i should just be chill... let things roll off my back... but instead i give those negative thoughts a life... and then the downward spiral ensues.

The Brother is just not living up to my expectations... but no one does.... ahhhhhhhh......... i worry sooooooo much that i'll never be satisfied. that no one will ever be good enough. soooooo then, when do i except that and say that some guy is enough? why can't i just close The Brother door? decide one way or the other?

i just feel like a complete ass the majority of my days... like why the fuck am i so over-analytical? why can't i just think about shoes and handbags? why does everything have to be so meaningful and perfect? when will i stop kidding myself, you know?!?!?!

it's so difficult to see both paths i can take... and know which i should take and be so conscious of it... and then, take the other and clench my teeth and squint my eyes knowing i'm sooo going down the wrong painful idiotic path.... and saying why-why-why?!?!! i'm such a foolish - foolish girl.

god.