Hot Sweat

I keep replaying my physical interactions with Bam in my head. There’s a particular instance I visualize again and again, and it’s the oddest thing to me. I suppose we can analyze all the animalistic reasons why it turns me on, but anyway, I guess I’ll just come right out and say it.

While he was on top of me, propped up by his arms, and banging away, I noticed a droplet of sweat running from his underarm and down his torso. And that’s it. That’s what I keep picturing. For some reason that moment of sweat was just HOT to me. I’ve had crazy-sweaty sex before, sure, but there was something about his force and this sweet escape of manliness running down his body.

It’s such a simple little thing that gets me going. Weird!

My feelings for Bam are certainly dissipating. I’m starting to finally accept that it’s completely over.

When these little fleeting relationships end or any relationship for that matter, I always think back to the beginning… the beginning as in the day you first met.

For instance, my first love lived in my dorms my freshman year in college. I’d heard things about him here and there, but never gave it any thought. He swam for Cal and had bleached blond hair, the perfect tan, and a tight body with a frickin’ hundred pack stomach. It seemed like he was into himself and seemed like your run of the mill jock.

It’d be funny to go back to those moments of passing him in the dining hall and say to him, “3 years from now, we’re going to fall in love. I’m going to realize that you’re actually a genius. You’re going to visit me in Ukraine during the Peace Corps, and then we’re going to have a tumultuous, unconventional relationship for the next couple of years. We’re going to hurt one another deeply, but we will also love each other deeply. By the time I’m 29, you will be the only person I will have ever truly been IN love with.”

I remember the first time my co-worker mentioned his friend Bam. He said that I HAD to meet him. He said that Bam and I would be perfect for each other. I remember looking at his MySpace photos. And if I went back to that moment and looked at those pictures, it’d be crazy to say to myself, “you’re the guy who’s going to fuck me a hundred times, think he’s almost in love with me, break-up with me after a month only to get back together with me two days later, and then you’ll break my heart again a month after that… and then, I’m going to think about your droplet of sweat for the month following that.”

Funny how things work out.


In other news, my job is still up in the air. What oh what am I going to do next? I’ve been at my current job for almost 5 years now. Changing jobs is going to be huge. I LOVE my bosses and my co-workers. Plus, what kind of position can I get where there is actually upward mobility? What do I even want to do? And when did life become so complicated?

I thought I’d grow up and have some profession that defined me. The job situation is clouding my head. I know I have to do something different. I know I need change, but it’s so frickin’ daunting. Eeks. An impending career change / change in how the majority of my waking hours are spent couldn’t be more freaky. (of course, I always have to reiterate… my problems are nothing compared to the woes of our world… I have to remind myself that I am so very lucky that I even have a job) Anyway.

UPCOMING SHOWS:

Okkervil River (just saw last week)
Wolf Parade
Editors
Medeski, Scofield, Martin, and Wood
Cat Power (maybe)
Ladytron (maybe)
The Cure
Interpol Tori Amos (2 nights, woo-hoo! And oh, crazy)