Why's Being Alone Such A Bad Thing?
Are relationships really that fun?
I look around at friends, co-workers, real adults... and I can count, on one hand, how many are seemingly good relationships.
There's the incessant arguing, jealousy issues, sexual issues, one obviously liking the other more and making ridiculous compromises because of it, and the general stifling relationships.
I'm not talkin' every once in a while fights... I'm talkin' uncomfortable to be around because all they do is argue, and all I do sit there wide-eyed with 'oh fuck' written all over my face.
Of course there must be redeeming qualities of these relationships for these people to be in them in the first place. OR, are people in these shitty-ass relationships because it's just a little bit better than being alone? And why the fuck is alone some horrendous situation in which to be? It's like a disease.
Obviously one can look at all the hunter-gatherer / propagation of the species explanations, which I suppose all make sense. You know, ultimately wanting our selfish-genes to span time. And then, that would bottle our entire existence into essentially being some virus of the earth that merely wants to proliferate.
Anyway, enough about that shit. So here we are now in whatever fucked up supposedly evolved state, and we can't stand being alone. We can't stand it.
As for me, why isn't kickin' it with my friends, going to shows, seeing flicks, listenin' to music, travelin' and so on enough? In fact, it's apparently hideous. Apparently, I can do all these uber exciting things, and yet still feel lonely... and at times, yes, incomplete.
Guess I can't win the battle of couplin' off to have me some babies.
Bam update:
I won't see him for another week and a half or so. Things are going well enough. I still have that insecurity in the back of my mind that rears its ugly head here and there. I think he and I have both communicated the fact that should things not work out as BF/GF we will remain friends. We have a very genuine respect for one another, and our feelings already run very deep.
He's a wonderful - wonderful man, and I hope I have him in my life for a very long time.
posted by MissCurious @ 2:30 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
I often struggle with this precise issue. I really want to be happy alone. I reeeeeally do!
I try very hard. And I get close sometimes. But what always happens is that as soon as I feel very secure with my single-dom, I meet someone. And then the insecurities start up again and I start thinking about them all the time and I've suddenly got something to loose and being alone no longer sounds so great.
I think we crave relationships because we are all so desperate for meaning. And relationships give our lives meaning. It's something to think about, and fuss about and yes, fight about. And it may be bad at times, but at least it's SOMETHING.
ugh...
I hate being human.
Ms. Leigh ;-),
My question really is - why must we be in a relationship to have meaning? Why can't our meaning and fulfillment come from the other things we do in our lives?
It's funny... I think about the things that I've done:
- Did really well in H.S. was involved in everything, years of dance especially
- Have an Intellectual History degree from UC Berkeley
- Studied in London for a year
- Mentored at risk youth (and not for my resume)
- Went into the Peace Corps
- Worked at UCLA in a dept that I was passionate about
- Worked in reality tv
- Traveled all over Europe, Mexico, Egypt, etc and made friends everywhere
- Have ALWAYS respected and treated my family well
- Have a strong work ethic and am well respected in my profession
- Try to be as honest as possible
- Have a lot of really good friends
I don't say these things to act super cool. I say these things because I can't understand why they aren't enough... and why the things I have yet to do just won't be enough?
That at the end of the day, if we don't have some relationship, we'll feel incomplete.
So strange.
Too bad.
I too really want to be happy alone. It is so odd that no one is truly happy by him or herself.
In the back of almost everyone's mind, he or she wants a partner. It's undeniable.
Sheesh ;-)
Since you were talking about the basics of mating and producing offspring and all that, think about the physical side of things that leave us yearning for companionship (this stuff is really interesting to me so here goes).
You can have great adoration for and from your friends and deep love for your family which is all great. BUT these relationships don't produce the same chemicals in your brain as do the relationships of the opposite sex. When you are close to someone and feel those feeling of infatuation and more, the brain is releasing all kinds of good feeling chemicals and hormones. When you have meaningful sex with someone, your brain produces oxytocin - which makes you feel "love drunk" or whatever you want to call it. You don't get that from a night out with the girls, or mentoring at risk youth. That is so addicting.
So that's the kind of stuff that keeps us coming back for more. There is a lot that happens on a physical level that makes being with someone such an attractive thing - almost a need.
Poets and scholars have been infatuated with love for ever and it's because it does all these crazy things to us and really - it's unlike anything else.
But really - isn't it the best to feel loved by someone you love? Someone you share your love, mind, body and everything with? I love my family and my friends and my passions, but I do think having that special person in your life is something that the other things can't exactly replace or fill.
I say keep on looking until you find that person or if you're with someone special - enjoy this time and make the most out of it.
You only live once. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. This too shall pass - any of the above. :)
Maybe we should just all give in to the idea of wanting someone there to experience life and love and all that comes our way.
sorry for the long ass comment!
True. all true. Maybe green eyes has a point. Maybe we should just accept the fact that we will be happiest with a significant other in our lives and go out and hunt it down till we find it.
But I still don’t believe that it is possible to maintain a healthy relationship that LASTS if you are relying on it as a major source of happiness in your life. I only think relationships last when people stop needing each other so much. When they are happy and complete (or as happy and as complete as they can be) alone first.
I’m being very idealistic here... but theoretically, if 2 people who are as happy as they can be alone, get together, they shouldn’t have to act all needy, jealous and insecure with each other because they won't be so terrified of the other person leaving. They should be able to just accept the other person for who they are and help them to fulfill their own individual potential.
But how often does this perfect scenario really occur? How many healthy relationships last? Not many. We’re human after all. I sort of feel like we’re almost not built with the capacity to even have healthy lasting relationships.
It’s just so easy when you fall in love to just let yourself fall… to spend every waking moment with the other person and allow yourself to become so enthralled, almost to the point of co-dependency... and no matter how independent and happy you were before, you just allow yourself to fall back into old habits. Because it feels good. Love is just that intoxicating.
I think we’re just screwed. Like... fundamentally.
I wish I had more time to reply today, but I loved both Green Eyes and Leigh's comments... thank you! I will address them soon!
Sorry about clogging up your blog. ;) your posts always make me think.
I think we're also kind of talking about different things. You guys are talking about why people get into relationships, while I'm sort of discussing how those reasons are exactly why relationships end.
I think most people don't really consider that. When a relationship ends, they just go out and find a new one. We've all sort of accepted the fact that relationships go sour. We don't even bother thinking about it anymore. It's just: onward. next.
Leigh...
I am with you 300%.
Happiness cannot be dependent on outside factors. Also, our sense of what "happiness" means is potentially out of whack. Contentment or ease would probably be better words. It is more like the absence of turmoil.
Often, relationships are vehicles for creating turmoil so that we don't have to examine patterns and issues that need our attention.
Leaving all that aside, if you think about it, you can see that asking another person to be the source of your happiness is setting that person up for failure.
Unfortunately, we are fed so much bull about what "love" and "happiness" are that we don't spend enough time trying to tease out definitions that are more meaningful in real life.
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