Precarious Position

Friday night, Bam was racing around the city with his motorcycle friends. I told him he should drop by, so I could see him in his little space suit. 11 pm rolls around, and I assumed he wasn’t going to come. But then, I got a text, “I’m out front.”

My heart leapt.

I quickly threw on a sweatshirt and flip-flops and ran downstairs.

There he was, under the sallow glow of the street lamp with his motorcycle parked on the sidewalk. I walked right into his arms. There we were, two lovers embracing on the sidewalk. I was beaming. He was beaming.

We then sat on my front steps. He wrapped his arm around me. We talked about our nights. We said our goodbyes. As he sat on his motorcycle with his helmet on and visor up, he winked at me. For some reason, I lost my breath. It was such a handsome and sweet and romantic thing to do. Such a small thing, but my heart pitter-pattered.

I went back upstairs, smiling. I went to bed smiling.

The next night was date night. Before dinner he came up to my apartment for a little while. I had the brilliant idea of having staring contests. They lasted the whole night, and I pretty much dominated. We were like two little kids goofing off. I love that we act like kids around each other.

Later that evening, I found myself second guessing my actions. The more and more I like him, the more insecure I get. I keep thinking I’m going to say the wrong thing, and he’ll once again let me go.

It’s a tough position to be in… being dumped for whatever arbitrary reasons and then trying to open myself up again. Anytime I said something stupid or potentially stupid, the second he turned his head, I’d mouth, “shit – fuck… why’d I say that?!?! Miss Curious you’re such an idiot.”

Then I’d swallow and cringe.

Later in the evening, we met up with some of my friends, LaSassy and Chicajato and their boyfriends. They hadn’t met him before and were prepared to size him up.

Jokingly, I suggested each person tell him how great I am, so he’ll like me. I was kinda’ joking, but they did it anyway. Naturally, they decided to tell him how lame I am, and I got all wide-eyed and freaked out.

Chicajato came over to sit next to me. While Bam and LaSassy chatted, Chicajato and I had a side conversation. I thought I was going to cry. I realized then how insecure I was feeling. I worried that anything they might say could immediately turn him off. I told her I couldn’t take it. I told her that I didn’t know how I could get over that hump. I didn’t know how I could feel less insecure. I knew that these insecurities would present themselves in my interactions with him and would put me in an even more precarious position.

When we got back to my place, of course everything was fine and good.

Sunday night when we spoke, I gulped a hundred times. He wanted to get off the phone before I did, which foolishly made me feel all concerned… like it was so evident that I like him more than he likes me.

I just don’t quite know how to lift myself from this volatile position.

I suppose there’s a point where I simply have to be okay with losing him. I have to remind myself that I’m Miss Curious, who doesn’t love Miss Curious? Hahaha. This is who I am. I’m not perfect. I try to be the best person I can be. Understanding, kind, and loving. What more can I do?

If he should find that I’m not the one for him, then so be it. I can’t sit around waiting for him to drop me. I can’t be in this relationship always worried.

And so, I have to give myself up to the universe. And so, I must be myself. And so, he can chose to take me or leave me, but that’s going to be his issue. And so, I will be strong.