I’m not pretty enough to have a flawed personality. I have to be charming and witty and interesting and normal, at least during that initial dating stage. This is fact. Those who may argue this clearly have ZERO empirical knowledge.
Everyday I was in So Cal, Bam and I texted and/or chatted on the phone. Yesterday we oddly had an early morning conversation that lasted about an hour. The conversation turned completely sour… I asked that stupid girl question of, “have you hooked-up with any chicks in the last week while I was away?”
He said no. And then asked if I’d hooked-up with anyone in the past three weeks (since we met).
I, being the retarded chick that I am decided to volunteer completely unnecessary information, said, “I haven’t hooked-up with anyone in like 7 or 8 weeks.”
Apparently that was pretty recent to him. He started asking questions, “was it your ex- The Brother? Or that guy (Flava Flav) who called you 5 times that night I was over?”
My memory was a bit hazy… he started asking more questions about Flava Flav, like how we met… I let him know that it was primarily a physical relationship and that I had no interest in him. He continued to probe, and I foolishly discussed having had ex-sex with DV, and how I’ll never do that again.
His tone changed, “I didn’t think you would do something like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like have some casual encounter.”
“Well, there was involvement with both parties. I didn’t just meet them one night and fuck them.”
I suddenly found myself scrambling to explain… suddenly wishing I hadn’t done the things that I’ve done. Maybe I wasn’t expressing myself correctly.
Then I realized, “perhaps I’ve given you the wrong impression of who I am.”
Frazzled, I couldn’t quite collect my thoughts. I questioned myself when I shouldn’t have. We ended the conversation, and I was left feeling shitty.
But then, those are the things that I’ve done. I am a strong woman, who is very comfortable with her sexuality. Like I always say, I’m proud of how I live my life. I’m always trying to be a better person. I try to treat people with respect. I try to be honest and caring and loving and conscientious. I don’t and didn’t need to apologize.
I’m queen over-analytical… this means, when I make decisions, I consider all factors involved… my feelings – their feelings – potential outcomes – etc. My decisions are often very deliberate. Perhaps I haven’t liked the eventual outcome, but that was the chance I took.
I will always be a very open and sexual woman. If he wants someone who is demure, then I’m certainly not the person for him
And so, I felt like here I had a flaw to him… and why didn’t I have room for this flaw. I look at my older sister who treats men poorly (at times - to be fair) and yet, they forgive everything… she can do no wrong. And I can’t get away with shit… well, that’s sort of a lie. I guess these thoughts go with the whole female thought of, “he doesn’t like me because I’m not skinny enough” or pretty enough or artsy enough or preppy enough… whatever not enough of that usually involves appearance.
Anyway, right now, I feel clouded by my emotions.
Everyday I was in So Cal, Bam and I texted and/or chatted on the phone. Yesterday we oddly had an early morning conversation that lasted about an hour. The conversation turned completely sour… I asked that stupid girl question of, “have you hooked-up with any chicks in the last week while I was away?”
He said no. And then asked if I’d hooked-up with anyone in the past three weeks (since we met).
I, being the retarded chick that I am decided to volunteer completely unnecessary information, said, “I haven’t hooked-up with anyone in like 7 or 8 weeks.”
Apparently that was pretty recent to him. He started asking questions, “was it your ex- The Brother? Or that guy (Flava Flav) who called you 5 times that night I was over?”
My memory was a bit hazy… he started asking more questions about Flava Flav, like how we met… I let him know that it was primarily a physical relationship and that I had no interest in him. He continued to probe, and I foolishly discussed having had ex-sex with DV, and how I’ll never do that again.
His tone changed, “I didn’t think you would do something like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like have some casual encounter.”
“Well, there was involvement with both parties. I didn’t just meet them one night and fuck them.”
I suddenly found myself scrambling to explain… suddenly wishing I hadn’t done the things that I’ve done. Maybe I wasn’t expressing myself correctly.
Then I realized, “perhaps I’ve given you the wrong impression of who I am.”
Frazzled, I couldn’t quite collect my thoughts. I questioned myself when I shouldn’t have. We ended the conversation, and I was left feeling shitty.
But then, those are the things that I’ve done. I am a strong woman, who is very comfortable with her sexuality. Like I always say, I’m proud of how I live my life. I’m always trying to be a better person. I try to treat people with respect. I try to be honest and caring and loving and conscientious. I don’t and didn’t need to apologize.
I’m queen over-analytical… this means, when I make decisions, I consider all factors involved… my feelings – their feelings – potential outcomes – etc. My decisions are often very deliberate. Perhaps I haven’t liked the eventual outcome, but that was the chance I took.
I will always be a very open and sexual woman. If he wants someone who is demure, then I’m certainly not the person for him
And so, I felt like here I had a flaw to him… and why didn’t I have room for this flaw. I look at my older sister who treats men poorly (at times - to be fair) and yet, they forgive everything… she can do no wrong. And I can’t get away with shit… well, that’s sort of a lie. I guess these thoughts go with the whole female thought of, “he doesn’t like me because I’m not skinny enough” or pretty enough or artsy enough or preppy enough… whatever not enough of that usually involves appearance.
Anyway, right now, I feel clouded by my emotions.
At the end of the day, however, I will stand my ground… This is who I am. If he has a problem with it, then it’s his problem.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE - HERE'S ME UBER HUNG-OVER, STILL IN MY PAJAMAS THE NIGHT AFTER MY 29TH:
posted by MissCurious @ 4:34 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
I'll be honest, I'm no longer lovin' Bam after his “I didn’t think you would do something like that.” Comment. Ew! Who does he think HE is to be guilting you - however subtly? You said it best, you are a sexual person and you're comfortable with it. He might not be, but that's his problem. If you backpedal and try to explain yourself, like you're ashamed of what you'd done, I think that would be a big turnoff to him. But if you just go on like that's your biznazz, which it IS (until you guys are like, in a relationship), he'll probably realize that's who you are, and not only that but you love who you are. There really is nothing sexier than confidence - despite the doubts and fears that all of us less-than-skinny girls may have. M is short and bald with big ears but his confidence, his total knowledge of who he is and what he likes and how he lives his life was what really really attracted me (and what's made it hard to let him go!!!). You have SO much of that too. That's part of the many reasons why people are drawn to you. Also you are hot, as the pic clearly shows. Even hung over in your jammies.
Krikri - you are 100% right. I couldn't have said it better therefore I can say no more. Except that if he really does like you, that he really should be able to get over this - right?
xoxoxooxooxox
First of all, you're totally pretty. Second, I don't know if I agree with the idea that people who aren't perfect-looking have to be "charming and witty and interesting and normal" to make up for it.
I do have "empirical knowledge" as I myself am not the hottest girl around. It's just been my experience that guys like me much more when I show my real personality. When I'm weird and nerdy and funny. But when I try to be poised and charming, I usually just don't stand out enough and they loose interest.
Remember that early in relationships (and even later sometimes) both people tend to project their ideals and their thoughts onto the other person. This is obviously a case of that where he thinks you should act a certain way or think a certain way because that's the way that he thinks and acts. It has nothing to do with you...it has to do with him and his inability to see you for who you really are. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it's hard to see it when your inner voice is constantly telling you that is your fault but realize that it is his own shortcomings and really has nothing to do with you. Do not for one second think you aren't pretty or you aren't skinny or something because the way you see yourself physically has pretty much nothing to do with how others see you physically. Everyone sees something different and if you love yourself and are comfortable with yourself, you could be the ugliest person on earth and weigh 1000lbs but your beautiful personality and inner light would shine through and everyone would adore you. Just be true to yourself and if he can't get over his hangups then fuck him! ;-)
On my little vacation, I had a painful conversation with a friend who desparately wants to be partnered.
Long story short, the latest Craigslist guy has decided that "it's me, not you" and "I just don't know if I am ready for a long term relationship" and even worse, "you scare me."
Now she is turning herself inside out trying to figure out how to get him back. If she loses weight....she's a SIZE 4! If that is the problem, then nothing can help this guy.
I tried, maybe not patiently enough, to explain that even in three months of dating, you can't really KNOW who you are dealing with. We project who we want to be to some extent, but we also SEE what we want to see in the early days. This is NOT to say that none of us is capable of knowing what we see or how we feel, I am just saying that if we are very honest with ourselves, we can see that much of the "infatuation" stage of relationships, that is to say the beginnings, are projections: either projections on or projections out.
Though this discussion was difficult, it is the road to the next level, whatever that may be...
The other gals said plenty so I will just say: God Damn! I wish I looked like YOU when I was hungover!!!! You have the most beautiful and perfect skin, which is something I would absolutely fucking die for.
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