Nonsense

My body's exhausted. I know I'm fighting off a cold. I'm still at work. I'll be here indefinitely. Now that I'm trading in my converse and concert t-shirts for shiny shoes and a wardrobe of dry-clean only, I'm beginning to feel the stress of an impending change in my life... the new job. I've been coming to my current office for five years. Some of the people here are my best friends.
I know that the new job will be sufficiently preparing me for the future, but changing fields and moving to environment likened to a library, seems oh so rough.

But check, got a new job. I've been wanting (and not wanting) this change for some time. I got what I wanted. I can't complain.

NEW YEAR

Now it's a new year. I always say "whatever" to these markers we set for ourselves. I shrug off New Year's Eve celebrations.

This year, I went to dinner with some friends, then a couple of bars, and was home by 10:45 pm. I then called my mom, and we discussed the great deals I got on shampoo as I watched live Nine Inch Nail dvds.

I let the New Year's Eve hype get to me. I suddenly started feeling lonely. I suddenly missed the last person I was with, just because he was the last person I was with. Because he was the last person I fucked. Because he was the last person I woke up with in the morning and kissed.

Because there's no one else to miss.

And in my weak state, I decided to email him, BAM. I did the whole, "I know you probably don't want to here from me, but I was thinking about you and wanted to check-in... I'll understand if you don't email me back."

He did email me back. Surprisingly. He did the, "good to hear from you... and no I won't ignore you and pretend like you don't exist... unless of course, that's the treatment you deserve :-) ... Like the MySpace hair, permanent?... I've thought about you too..." (this is not verbatim and of course, just excerpts) He also told me what he did over the holidays and asked me what I did.

The "pretend you don't exist" part sure made my eyes widen as did the MySpace comment... considering I'd immaturely deleted him as a friend on MySpace and changed to a privacy setting. I was pretending like he didn't exist. These word, "Miss Curious just pretend like he doesn't exist," actually went through my head, and I felt dumb. So, if he commented on the hair on MySpace, then the last time he looked at my profile was before I deleted. Perhaps he hasn't noticed, which is good and bad.

The only reply I've had from him I've had since is a forward. He's probably dating that Dumb-Blond-Chick or whatever I named her. Of course, there is the fact that I'm just off his radar... someone in the far past that's just good to hear from.

But really. Who cares.

Like I said, he was only on my mind because there's no one else to be. And my mind is no longer occupied with the job hunt... so I'm bo-ored!

So, got to remedy that.

My stupid-ass decided to sign up for one of those hipster-ee pretentious online dating sites. I've dabbled in this a bit on MySpace when contacted by seemingly interested dudes and oh, that one stoned evening on CL that led me to 5th Paragraph. I've also communicated with peeps on online dating before, but then I chicken out and take my profile off a week later.

I've been on for 2 days now. I'm now "messaging" with 2 guys. The one I like the most is, I think based off his profile, Sober. Which is cool, and The Brother was sober and other friends I have are too, but for a long-term partner? The idea of never drinking together seems slightly bleak. It's kind of a deal-breaker for me. So end of that.

The other guy I like wrote this fun little blurb, but then ended it with, "you have the sexiest and lips." SEXY is a word that just turns me off. It seems so Casual Encounter... and sleezey to me. I did decide to message him back because his profile and the beginning of his email were worthy of a try.

Another guy sent me a picture of solely his abs. I have a huge aversion to shirtless photos. He then only said in his message, "he sexy, what are you doing?" Another SEXY? Come On!!! Despite having to die for abs, which could totally not be his anyway, I deleted that one right away. Other guys... wow, I know this sounds mean - oh wow, all of this does - guess I'm breaking my New Year's Resolution to be nice - so yeah, other guys blazonly display all the reasons they're in the single boat.

We shall see though. I have to give it a try. My grandma got tipsy over the holidays and told me in her heavy mexican accent in all seriousness, "you not even try (swaying arm motions)... can't you just try." I genuinely felt badly. I genuinely felt like I was letting her down.

So grandma, I'm going to try... at least for a minute.