The Cyber-Stalk

Can I possibly be this pathetic? I say this again and again - sometimes I simply can’t stand myself. Sometimes I genuinely pull a Mcauley Culkin in Home Alone when he slaps both hands on his cheeks, and his eyes immediately widen, and a loud shriek escapes from his lips. Unfortunately, my reasons aren’t because I’ve just shaved and am putting cologne on for the first time.

My reasons are far, far worse than a sudden sting.

I know I shouldn’t be professing the happenings in the deep dark corners of MiSS CuriouS’s mind, but this is my release. This is me proclaiming my most ridiculous moments… saying yes, yes this is who I am. I’m admitting these things to myself.

I’m doing the best I can to be relatively normal.

Anyway, on with it. With the explosion of cyberspace, we all invariably lurk into the lives of others. When we’re dating someone a Google, MySpace, and Facebook search seems to be pretty common, no? Well, on occasion, I’ve checked out Bam’s MySpace page just to see what he’s up to. To see whether or not his status has suddenly changed to “In A Relationship”.

I recently checked only to find that I had been removed from his first page, top 12 or however many. This is of course understandable. We did break-up ages ago, and I did very immaturely end our friendship. And oh, sometimes when I find myself taking that little peak at his page, my eyes go a’ gander down to the comments section.

I looked today and saw that some stupid blond chick (no offense against blonds, a remark only fueled by unwarranted jealousy), who’s all into photography and seems to have done all these great fucking things is now “New” and is commenting on his page. If you didn’t catch it, I clearly looked at her page too = MORE PSYCHO OF ME. He commented on hers too. It’s all this flirty fucking banter, and I for whatever reason can’t stand it.

Shriek.

I mean, geez, we ended things ages ago. We ended things twice as long ago as our relationship even lasted. We ended our friendship 1 month ago. Why do I even fucking care? I didn’t think I cared, but I reacted unbelievably strong. I surprised my own-damn-self.

Of course I’m now thinking (well, maybe not ‘of course’ to others), when we first started hanging out, it was me that he MySpaced right away. It was me that he requested as a friend right away. And now, there, in front of my own presumption eyes, I developed their entire relationship. I can’t stand that she’s now getting all the happy moments that I once got.

But really, why do I care?

THREE POSSIBLE REASONS:

1. He’s the last person I was with, and with no one else to take my mind off things, I still wonder about him… but not because I really want him?

2. I’m pissed because he found someone before I did, and he was the one that fucked me over even though I “officially” broke up with him the second time. Why is he all rewarded with the cloud 9 that comes with the onset of courtship?

3. This 3rd one I just can’t figure out – is it because I still really do like him? Do I still think that he has the most qualities I’ve ever wanted in a man and think that I’ll never find someone as close as he is to my ideal?

So why? Why am I writhing? Why did I just put my hands back on both cheeks, rest my elbows on my desktop, and stare down at the cheap-ass-fake-brown called my desk?

Why do I care!??!?!?! Why? Why? Why? It’s ridiculous!!! I couldn’t be more stunned at my reaction…. Okay, well, that’s kind of lie… kinda’ not.

What’s the natural way of handling this if you’re PSYCHOTIC?

Answer:

Delete him as a friend on MySpace. (like he’ll ever notice, but a Digital Delete is cathartic)