Where Does Love Go Wrong?
In my business we handle a lot of asset division for individuals going through a divorce. I’ve reviewed separation agreements and divorce papers. Every time we do a divorce it breaks my heart. I often get bits and pieces of the divorce proceedings. I have yet to see a divorce without one party taking vindictive actions.
They once had a first date and a first kiss. Their hearts once pitter-pattered upon finally using the ‘L’ word. They wondered who would say it first and whether or not the other would say it back.
At one point, the man (being traditional here) planned his proposal. At one point, he got down on one knee and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She probably cried and squealed yes. She thought about whom she would call first to tell the good news.
She’d probably been wondering when and how he was going to propose. When he did, she probably said “wow” when she looked at herself in her wedding dress.
And then on the wedding day, in front of family and friends, they both said they loved one another above all the rest. They said they wanted to be together until death do them part. They looked into each other’s eyes and kissed as husband and wife.
Where did it go wrong?
Where did love bend to hate?
Did either in the back of his or her mind think it might not last? Did either of them simply marry because he or she was afraid to be alone? Are people just marrying for all the wrong reasons?
Hm.
We always forget why we loved the person in the first place.
I love this quote from When Harry Met Sally. His friend and Sally’s friend have just been married and are moving in together. Something one of them says sets Harry off…
Harry: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that's wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. Because someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry: I was being nice!
It’s true. This is what I see.
I feel for anyone who’s gone through a divorce. It seems to be one of the harder things a person goes through in his or her life.
I so want forever. I so want ‘til death do us part.
Sheesh, I really have cheesey-ass tendencies. Oh ‘vell.
Another Reason Miss Curious Is Plain Strange:
I realized the other day that since I have an overly-active, I memorize things. I hadn’t really thought about why I do it until recently. Without any serious activity in my life as of late, I keep my mind occupied by memorizing.
My latest, which isn’t exactly memorizing, has been to learn how to say the alphabet backwards just as quickly as I can say it starting with A. I’ve gotten pretty good.
A few months ago, I memorized Seas.
I tried to memorize Bays, but for some reason that never took.
My next task is to memorize the order of presidents and the years in which they presided.
posted by MissCurious @ 3:11 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
That is precisely why I will never go into family law.
I feel the same way. It's hugely disheartening to think that you could be in an incredible relationship for years and years (decades even) and have it all end.
I remember being really disappointed in my parents for splitting up a couple years ago.. Not so much because I thought they were happier together, but mostly because it destroyed some semblance of hope that I held for the possibility of "forever", as cheesy as that sounds.
I think the couples that stay together forever must be really really committed. And they must be willing to work (hard) on themselves and on the relationship. I don't know.. That's the only thing I can come up with.
As someone who was married for only a very short time, and made some very big mistakes during that time, I have to say that divorce is/was by far the most difficult experience of my life thus far. It has made me question everything I thought I knew about myself, about love, and life. I really respect couples (married or not) that stand the test of time, and hope I'll be part of one someday but fear that it's not in the cards.
Generationally, though, we are a different from those couples that we often look up to. My grandmother stayed with her husband until the day he died, despite his rampant alcoholism, mental illness, and abuse. She can look back on her life and see the children and grandchildren that she is blessed with, but I also think she would have been better off packing her share of the wedding gifts when she in her 20s and walking out...
Leigh -
I think you made a very-very good point... both people "must be willing to work (hard) on themselves..."
J-Do:
Why do you think it's not in the cards for you? Are you worried that you might not be able to hang in there or him or even finding someone worthy?
MC:
Yes, to both of the issues you bring up. Falling in love at this stage of life seems much harder or more complicated than when I was 21 and fell in love with G. There are so many more walls, more baggage, more worries, more difficulty giving in. For instance, the man that i have dated a few times (the 41 yr old) just cancelled plans for Thurs due to a work commitment he is obligated to attend, and I just automatically thought, 'well, there goes that. he's a workaholic, his job will always come first.' and sort of wrote him off in my head. It's easier than getting hurt or disappointed.
I think the benefit of growing up is that I have a lot better perspective and can be a better partner to someone, and know what fulfills me, but the prospect of putting that to use in a long-term relationship- well, I just don't know.
Sigh - this is something I think about all the time. I try not to because I really think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy (when & how will this happiness end?), but it's always there. I think you just have to go into every relationship honestly. Don't try to change them, don't let them change you, and most of all you can't get caught up in the fantasy of the perfect happily ever after relationship. I hate to be such a shill for Dr. Robin, but "Lies at the Altar" was a huge eye-opener on this subject!!!
Kri Kri -
I'm not sure that I totally believe the "don't try and change them or have them change you". I think in some instances yes, but not always.
I brought up this example before: I've always been overly open about my sex life and have often posted about it on this blog. When I started hanging out with Bam, and I mentioned that I discuss such things, he asked me not to talk about them.
My initial reaction was, "whatever, this is how I am."
After thinking about it, I realized that I can't just use that "this is how I am take it or leave it" philosophy. Sometimes, I or one should really think about what the other person is saying. I understood where he was coming from. And then, I almost couldn't believe I'd been so insensitive to boyfriends in the past. In the future, I'm going to approach that "openness" differently.
Also, I think that we as people should continuously be growing... like LEIGH said, we need to work hard on ourselves just as we need to work hard on the relationship.
I think we need to be open to what our partners may be saying and not always see it as a "don't try to change me" siutation. Of course, there are times, where certain compromises of who we are should not be made... but I think we need to reflect upon ourselves before putting up an immediate wall.
Does this make sense? sorta?
And yeah, I so need to STOP wondering when the relationship is going to end. But then, what can we use as a defense mechanism? Haha! Well, haha, but I guess kinda' really... ?
I guess what I meant applied mostly to the relationship that I just came out of... I didn't like the person I became FOR HIM... ya know? And I didn't like how my expectations for him were never met because I was kind of in love with a fantasy, not the real person. So I don't want that to happen again and I would discourage others from doing the same thing I did. Obviously people can and do change their behavior when they're in a relationship - compromise is kind of the name of the game. But you're never going to be able to mold someone into your fantasy version of them, and it's futile to try and be someone else's fantasy version of you. You have approach a relationship from a place of honesty and truth. Like, I knew at the back of my mind that m & I didn't see eye to eye on several major life issues, but I kinda just ignored that fact in the hope that one day he would change his mind. And I think he was the same way with me. So maybe I kind of am "here I am, take me or leave me" at this point, because in my mind it's infinitely better than "here I am, just how I think you want me to be."
KriKri -
Excellent points. I liked your verbiage... well said. I completely agree with you on so many levels.
However, I now realize that we're discussing slightly different things... as we're both coming off very different situations where you on the one hand compromised who you were in many ways, and I actually learned some things about myself that I should be compromising... I personally can't just tell him, "I'm a bitch. Take it or leave it."
I have to realize that this is a negative quality about me, and I really want to work on it for both my own self improvement as well as for the success of the relationship.
I always say that in a relationship there are compromising differences and dividing differences. I think the ways in which you're thinking are the dividing ones versus mine, in my last situation (not others), were ones where I should actually recognize a compromise that I need to make.
I'm so frickin' stubborn, so I've often taken the approach that this is me, I'm not changin'.
I dunno' I'm blabbin' on and on... guess work is slow for me today, eh? Haha!
Ooh isn't this a juicy topic. So having also been a woman who was married for a short while and divorced (and made some bad choices too), I have to agree with J-do about how much my thoughts and views have changed.
Here is how I think marriage should be viewed: as a contract - like a business partnership.
Love is what gets you going, but love doesn't keep you going and I think the idea of marriage and how it's viewed in society is so far from the reality that it's just alarming. Of course love has to be there but you have to be partners in life - not just lovers. And when you enter into a business contract, things are negotiated and if things aren't working, then you renegotiate the terms.
I have to say that I HATE the whole "Till death do us part" thing. It's a nice idea in theory but how can you promise someone forever? There are no guarantees in life and I want to promise everything I can to someone - but I don't want to make promises that I'm not 100% sure I can keep.
The whole till death thing is from the bible. But it's totally become society's vision of what marriage has to be. I'm not religious, so why should I go by that? If you are religious - then do what works for you.
Why can't we make marriage more realistic? Like hey - we want to have a life together, manage our daily issues, raise a family and be partners in every way. Let's do this to the best of our abilities and committ to always doing our best for each other and for ourselves.
Marriage is made out to be this fairy tale and this romantic journery. Where it can be romantic at times (if you put the effort in to make it that way) it's not a fairy tale. It takes work and you have to be able to deal with someone's shit every single day. Like how we're professional to the coworkers every day - why aren't we like that with our spouses - repsectful and good to each other? Just like you have to work at work and put effort in because you're going to get reviewed, marriage should be treated as that. Not this la-dee-da walk on the beach and fireworks and all that. It's really not about the fluff and the flowers - it's about respect and having a good "working relationship."
Why does death have to come into the picture? Always focusing on the ending ;).
I wasn't sure I was going to get married again because I don't believe in some of the things you vow to - but then I thought about the "vows" that we associate with marriage are bible based. That's not for me so I will make my marriage what I want it to be - a committment to each other and for a life together.
As for changing for each other - if you make the decision to work on something that can only benefit yourself and the relationship - that's a good change. You have to be open and flexible and not so rigid that your partner is stuck with you not seeing how to make things better.
When you find that person you want to be with, you have to willing to make yourself better. Ex-hubby never truly did that and that's what made me walk away. I wouldn't want him to fake it and try to be what I imagined him to be, but he didn't even try.
Post a Comment
<< Home