The Hook-Up List

Last night as I was searching for my To Do In Life list, I stumbled upon my Hook-up list. Apparently, in December of 2004, I thought it'd be a great idea to write down all the guys I've made out with from simply a kiss to "going all the way."

This list even had a key for the symbols next to each guy. A heart meant that I actually liked him. A star meant we had sex. And so on.

I've bumped into that list on a couple of occasions, but I had a different feeling about it this time. A strange feeling. I almost wished that there hadn't been so many.

Now I feel like there is an intensely strong level of intimacy with sex and even... kissing. I know I still fuck around here and there, but it gets emptier and emptier.

I wondered how I could have pressed my lips against so many others. How our tongues could have touched. How I could have removed all my clothing and had men lie on top of me. How I could have kissed their necks as I tried to arouse them. How I could have put their cocks in my mouth.

I almost wished I'd only done that with the men I loved... all two of them.

I remember with that dude I most recently dated, who's name we won't mention, but it starts with a B... anyway, I remember hating the thought that he was with anyone before me. I hated thinking he penetrated some chick and his droplets of sweat fell upon her body.

I couldn't stand the thought.

I'd NEVER had that thought about any other guy I've dated. NEVER. And I really mean that.

Normally, okay this is sick and fucked up, I sort of enjoyed hearing about their previous intimate experiences. I thought it was hot to picture them fucking chicks... going down on chicks... what their first sexual experiences were like.

But then with B, from day #1, I didn't even want to know their names, know that they had names. He told me one chick's name and for whatever reason I felt sick. He told me on another occasion that everyone liked one of his girlfriends (followed it by saying she didn't challenge him), but still, I again felt sick... and then called her a big fat HO in my head. And that is NOT ME!!! I didn't want their to have been anyone before me. WEIRD! Seriously, it tripped me out. Was I suddenly insecure? Am I more insecure in my later years?

Maybe, I'm growing up... changing... becoming more serious? What the hell?

Anyway. It was strange to come across that list and feel the way I felt seeing it.

Hmm, well, okay, another thought... lately, I've been going out less... going home, turning on the heater, slipping into my polka-dot flannel pajama bottoms, lighting my Mt. View scented candle, and reading a book or watching a romantic comedy or The Bachelor. I feel like I've been so simple lately. That I've somehow regressed into my youthful innocence, and then I stumbled upon some loss of innocence, and I hated it.

Crazy thoughts. 'Scuse Me!