MC Does Depressing, Again... Haha!

I finally started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the first chapter she professes her pain of the many nights spent on the cold tiled floor of her bathroom as tears poured from her eyes. She reached a point in her life where she almost had to start over. She reached a point where everything she thought was important and the life she built was no longer what she wanted.

Then I started thinking about crying into pillows or in showers. I started thinking about nights like hers where I’d ask someone, something out there what to do, where I’d ask someone, something out there to help me.

When a book that’s a best seller delves into these depths, I realize that I’m not alone. It’s strange to think of my friends or my sisters or my brothers or my mom or my grandma of having those nights where their body shook from sadness, and sounds barely escaped from their mouth.

As always, I’m obsessed with the meaning of life or the lack thereof, and most of my crying births from life merely being survival. Life’s meaning = to survive? Humankind simply here to survive?

It’s difficult to think I’m just surviving. It’s difficult to string together all the good moments in life. It’s difficult to appreciate all that I have in this very moment. And so, I have a good moment here and the next moment I’m thinking about why the hell do I “maybe” have a cyst in my ovary? Or why aren’t I attractive enough? Or make more money? Or why can’t I seem to ever untangle my headphones?

Guess I’m being kinda’ depressing, haha. Laugh at me. I will.

JOB:

As I’ve mentioned, I’m putting the feelers out for a new job. Last night I had to take some silly aptitude test for one company. Of course the writing sample had to be about a character named Bam, and I then wondered where he was and what he was doing right then... BUT, That’s beside the point, and the thought swiftly disappeared. Back to the job, I hate this in between stage. I know I need to move on from my current job, but I can’t imagine leaving… and I can’t imagine staying. It’s an asking the someone, something out there to “help me” to tell me “what to do.”

On my way to an interview one morning, I thought about all the people on that bus who at one point also had to go on an interview. Those employed, all had to go apply for the job and hope to hear back and hope to do well in an interview and hope to get the job. And then, there they are now, waking up much earlier than they’d like… already looking forward to the end of the day… already looking forward to the end of the week.

And when they go home, they don’t do all the pleasurable activities they’d like to do. What do they do? They unwind. Unwind from a job they wish they weren't obligated to go to. Unwind and then start the whole thing all over again the next day. The next week. How bleak. Haha. Oye!

BOYS:

Wouldn’t mind having one. Know anyone?

LOOKING FORWARD TO IN DECEMBER:

2 Tori Amos shows
1 Tool show
3 Holiday parties
1 Christmas
2 Cousins ages 2 and 6
1 Family gathering from 1 side of the family with a 2 shots of tequila tradition
1 Family gathering from the other side of the family

RANDOM THOUGHT:

I was thinking the other evening about the time I lived with a boyfriend, Bad Break-Up. During that time, I, on a couple of occasions, thought how lovely it was to be able to go home and have sex if I wanted it that night. I could have sex whenever I wanted. Wow. I could go home and feel his flesh against mine... he was always ready and willing. Hmm.

Now, that's a distant memory.

:-)