The Bathroom Chronicles

Take II

The only people left were two corner office men. No women in sight. At last I could shit in peace. When I opened the door to an empty bathroom, I practically squealed I was so excited. I chose the large stall with the extra leg room. I carefully placed the toilet seat cover on the toilet as though I were fluffing a pillow for a long night of sound sleep. As I sat down with the crinkle of the cover like music to my ears, in walks someone.

Are you fucking kidding me?! My disbelief immediately curtailed any natural movements, and I knew I had to leave. And, I left defeated.

Take III

Today was like miracle bathroom day. Every time I was in the bathroom, no one was there. I even took my time fixing my hair, adjusting my bra, checking my fly again and again just to feel out about how much time I might have for this to be the day, the day I can finally shit. It was ready to make an exit and an appearance.

A couple of hours later I couldn’t stand it, so I surreptitiously walked to the restroom as though I were about to rob a bank. To my luck, it was empty. Not only was it empty, but there standing before me was Citrus Magic. I hadn’t seen that since the last empty bottle incident. This time it was full. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining. Citrus Magic and I cha-cha’d our way into the extra-leg-room stall. I was relaxed. I just knew this was my day.

It took me a minute to relax, but it eventually started happening, and I was smiling. But then, why did there have to be a But Then? in walks some stupid ass chick. But, a good but this time, I decided I would keep quiet until she did her numero uno and headed out. In silence I waited. And then in silence, she waited.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I wasn’t going to quit that easily, so I sat just a little bit longer.

It only gets better… and then better. Someone else walks in. Fucking Perfect. Now the only two stalls are full. The stand-off begins. My opponent wasn’t giving in. I couldn’t take it… and then it gets better, someone else walks in. The words are uttered, “there’s a line.”

Never have I been in that bathroom with a line. Never.

The stakes have risen. Now, if I get out first, all three bathroom occupants will hear the thunderous rolls of toilet paper. Then, someone will go in after me. That someone will then smell my shit and probably cringe a minute. The second person in line will know it was me too.

So I did it. I gave in. Of course though, there was an extra bonus… all that shit didn’t go down on the first flush. I had to FLUSH TWICE in front of my entire audience of people.

At this point, I was looking up at God, “are you trying to be an asshole on purpose?”


THE JOB:

Every morning I wake up at 7 am with reluctance, squared. I have a job. I have a job with nice people. I have a job where I’m making a decent living.

But all I can wonder is why I’m spending my days doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t want to wake up at 7 am 5 days a week. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to stare at a computer all day.

I know – I know, I know I can’t complain. I just don’t understand why the rules of the game are such.

Now I can’t go to shows on weeknights like I used to. I have to function the next day. I can’t do the one thing that makes me most happy without severely suffering the next day. I particularly can’t be suffering in such a way when I’ve only just begun the job.

While I do feel lucky to have this job and while I know there’s not a job left for me at my old place, I still can’t help but sigh and work on the wrinkles in my forehead.

BOYS:

The “don’t ask me about him” guy is all gone. It was fun for a minute and taught me to never write “don’t ask me about him.” How dumb was I? It basically screamed, “ask me – ask me!”

Oh ‘vell.

Of course sex always comes knocking at the door. Sometimes it’s a 3 am and sometimes it’s an old fuck buddy MySpace messaging you. And so, a dude I met through work ages ago recently broke-up with his girlfriend and of course comes running back to my blow-jobs, the kind that win awards (haha, chicajato, hope you know that phrase).

He has an amazing cock. I wish I could take a picture of it and post it on here. We all have our dreams. He’s even more of a pleaser, so I just may take him up on it.

I do think I’m like a guy in the sex-sense. I really like having it. Hm. I’ve only had sex ONCE (Flavor Flav) in the last EIGHT MONTHS, which is pretty slow for me, so I suppose that’s why I’m a little more hungry for it at the moment.

No prospects for a respectable relationship. I would like one. I would. You know that relationship that lasts forever. Yeah, I want that one right about now. Or not.