Losing the Battle. Really?

I feel like I am against a clock. Consciously I don’t see it as the ‘baby’ clock because I don’t particularly want my own babies when there are so many in the world already who don’t have someone to love them. So then, what is it? Am I so afraid of being alone? What does that even mean? I had fun tonight with a friend. I had fun last night with a friend. I like having alone time. I like reading trashy books and watching Masterpiece Theater miniseries. These things make me happy. And yet, there is still this longing. So much of what I’ve written has been about love and relationships and everyone wants to hear about those subjects because everyone else is thinking about them too. This must mean then, our purpose is indeed to couple up, reproduce, and insure our genes continue through generations… the Selfish Gene Dawkins says. If you give me one human behavior, I can find its origin in the selfish gene. I have this battle with my genetic make-up. I can easily sit here and say that I should be happy keeping my own schedule, enjoying time with my friends, reading, going to the movies, listening to music, etc. Yes, these things make me happy, but in the back of my mind is that need to partner up. I’m 31 now. How did I get here so quickly? I don’t even understand. I see my face age, my body age… I couldn’t find the ‘one’ when I was thinner and had fewer freckles (rather age spots), how in the world will I find someone now.

Oh my fucking god. Oh my god. Why can’t I fight this desire. This inherent desire. I am no match for genetics. My selfish genes are winning the race. Seriously? How can they be winning?!?! I can’t even imagine being fully, being completely happy without someone else. I live with this hope that one day it will happen. When I was 21, I thought I would certainly be with someone at 31. But yet, here I am without even a prospect. And why oh why do I care??! It’s unbelievable really. How I can recognize this desire as being unnecessary, as an inhibitor, and still desperately want it?! I logically don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t understand how at this point I’m not stronger than this irrational desire. Perhaps if I fell into the category of genuinely wanting my own children, I could understand why I’m feeling such a pressure.

I really and truly don't understand how i can't overcome this. I don't. I really don't. And even now, in this psychotic spiral, I want to say "where is he already?!" Really?!?!