Pathetic, Just Doesn't Need to Be

You know that family that's always running for the bus with their bags half open and sunscreen and towels falling out... that family who doesn't realize there's a line and walks right in the door... or has the Mom who knows the bartender's entire life story after she goes up to get a Diet Coke... or that Dad who's abnormally excited about bingo and some 70's cover band, and the kids just roll their eyes at him, kinda' like Chevy Chase in the National Lampoons' Vacation. And then there's that aunt who's on a first name basis with not one, but several bartenders all of whom know her drink, "Seabreeze, make it a double."... yes, that aunt who in the open air bus shouts, "look! dolphins," and the bus stops... everyone gets out their cameras and moves to the right side of the bus only to hear that aunt say, "oh, oops... just some snorkelers."

That is my family.

Big fucking surprise.

A crazy family filled with what we like to call "friendmakers".

Anyway, the vacation was everything I'd hoped it be... massages, facials, steam rooms, the ocean until my fingers pruned, chocolate buffets, legs hanging over the side of a catamaran, sandy feet, a sunburned nose, mind-altering substance-free, a tanked aunt, and waking up to my little sister every morning.

Hiking through the rainforest in Puerto Rico... Um, I'm so fucking dumb, I didn't know they had a rainforest there.

How is it that this place exists, and I'm not living there. Please explain. Antigua.

My legs and lil sis' legs hanging over the side of the catamaran

THE BARTENDING WORLD:

Let's start with an iBartender update - obviously since I was on vacation, I missed Monday Night Dice, so I hadn't seen iBartender since the "Whatever You Want" Monday night make-out session, which was 2 weeks prior. Anyway, I get there and immediately he's less affectionate... yeah, my first drink was on him, but for some reason being the total idiot that I am, I expected some huge, "where have you been I missed you so much!" of course, that's in my little fantasy world where things like that happen... what the fuck was I thinking. His vibe didn't change much over the course of the evening... I hadn't had anything to drink in 8 days and I hadn't eaten dinner, so I swiftly found myself inebriated. Okay, yes, I tried to get there a little faster than usual because I felt like that stupid-stupid girl who had all this excitement to see him... and then I got there, and he hadn't even noticed my absence. Fucking Pathetic, me that is.

He didn't come meet me up in the DJ booth as I hoped he would... Yeah, I played my iPod... yeah, he played dice with us... yeah, he changed one of my songs and I said, "hey, put that song back on," and yeah, he said, "come make me," and I went, and he did shit... nothing... we kinda' half-assedly hugged... and then yeah, I somehow stuck my hand on his COCK, and yeah, it was like those little kid animal shaped sponges that expand when you put them in water... his COCK expanded in my hand... yeah, it felt pretty fucking nice... and he stood there and let me touch his COCK for a minute... he smiled... he said, "I can't make out with you here... I'm training the new bartender." WHATEVER. He made out with me over the bar once and in the DJ Booth another time... and suddenly he can't kiss me? GET A CLUE MISS CURIOUS... IF HE WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU, HE WOULD HAVE.

Yeah, he sat next to me on the barstool, and I molested his leg... and I think he played with my hand for a moment or maybe he was just trying to REMOVE MY HAND, which is a pretty fucking awful and embarassing thought ... but I kinda' remember saying, "do you want me to stop?" and I think he said, "no." but then, I was drunk.

And oh, earlier in the evening he mentioned that he'd just gotten a new computer and downloaded all this awesome music... I commented, "cool... I should totally come over and listen to it with you." He replied, "I'll come to your place." I just said, "yeah." Hmm. Wait. I do think I asked how late he worked that night... I think he lied and said he worked later than he really did. HUGE CLUE MISS CURIOUS. YEAH, GET THE FUCKING CLUE MISS CURIOUS. I totally opened the door there, and he didn't walk through. He stuck his foot in, but then pulled it right back out. Fuck that.

So here I am still feasting off these stupid fucking crumbs... fuck me... on Tuesday, I couldn't have felt like more of a complete loser... that stupid fucking girl who just threw herself at this bartender that has a fucking harem visit him every goddamn night, and there I was... Miss Awesome Curious acting like a total dipshit. A COMPLETE DIPSHIT. that'd be me.

It just fucking amazes me that in so many aspects of my life I don't take fucking shit from anyone... I consider myself a relatively strong person who lives her life with integrity and heart and will, and yet, I find myself defenseless against these silly bartenders... silly men... I hate having such a weakness... it's like fuck, how can I find myself in these insane foreign country situations where I'm a total survivor... and I can tell some strung-out nazi who says he wants to shoot me to, "go get your gun asshole!" and yet when iBartender or Obsession don't pay me enough attention, I fucking fall apart?!?!??!?!??!?!

And so I scream at myself... I can't believe I'm capable of acting so fucking pathetic... it's like get a fucking clue... get a fucking grip you stupid bitch! I just watch myself acting this way and can't even believe it's me... that I can't just say, "get over it," and be over it. It seems so simple... yet these fucked up wires in my head disable me from doing what I tell myself to do. UHHHHHH!

Anyway, I need to restrict myself, so I will more blatantly say, "soooo, when are we going to get together?" and if he actually jumps on the invitation, great... but if not, it just may change into Tuesday Night Dice 'cuz I don't think he works then. I have to just cut the fucking chord. CUT THE CHORD MISS CURIOUS. I can't keep torturing myself. Uh.

OBSESSION - He finally did call me... he called yesterday.. didn't leave a message, so I didn't call the number back. Then he called this afternoon and left a message... I decided he could wait for a call back... but then, he called again tonight, and I decided to pick-up. He wants me to help him with a couple of business things... soooooooooooo, he's going to come over tomorrow (Thursday) or next Tuesday (most likely then)... yes, he still has a girlfriend, so nothing's going to go down. Just business.... and I'm jaded with that boy anyway.

Hmm. I will be nervous when he comes over though. But really, oh well... who cares.

THESE BOYS... THESE BOYS JUST DON'T MATTER. THEY DON'T MATTER.

And seriously, no more Pathetic... there's just no need to be pathetic. There just isn't. I'm me. Fucking bad-ass me ;-)............ Shit! Hahaha! I'm sleepy... I have my headphones on and meant to go to bed. Bleh!

As Jeff Buckley would say, "Don't fool yourself... [He] was heartbreak from the moment that I met [him]." - Forget Her

Exhaustion

It's Friday night... it's late, late enough. Knowing I was going on vacation tomorrow for a week, I pretty much decided to run myself into the ground this week.

Monday: Monday Night Dice where iBartender and I flirted in each other's mouths... went home and had an amazing conversation with Kansas.

Tuesday: Went to Trivia Night with LaSassy. She made it out to Monday Night Dice, so I showed my support and partook in the Pop-Culture Trivia Night

Wednesday: Nine Inch Nails CD release party at Slim's... I was fortunate enough to call in a favor and get me and 2 friends into the event before it started... even before the Live 105 VIP winners, yeay! I'm soooo excited for this CD to come out next month!

Thursday: Drinks and dinner with a colleague (she doesn't work in my office, but we send her business)... she expensed the first half of the night... and where oh where did we go next?!??! Cheers. About 2 months ago, when I was last there, he was discussing a business venture with me... it was actually something I knew quite a lot about... I wanted to check-in and see how things went. My friend and I found a spot at the bar... he took our drinks and moved them to his section, "this way I can bug you more," he quipped. We then discussed the problems with his transaction... She and I both knew we could at least give him some guidance.

We told him the next day we'd follow-up with a couple of things... I told him to let me do this because for the past 3.5 years, he's been buying me drinks and food, rather giving them to me... I said, "just let me help you with this... you've humored me and helped me... I have yet to do anything for you."

"I wouldn't say you haven't done anything for me," he laughed. Of course this reference was to a blow-job I gave him a couple of years ago.

Not really thinking I said, "well, that was just a second." I meant that it was so long ago and only one moment in time that I felt like it didn't really count anymore.

He naturally replied, "Oh thanks."

I back peddled. He chuckled.

Anyway, he reads my number from his phone... and tells me he's going to call me tomorrow (that'd be today)... I "ppsssh" whatever that sound is that means, "right, I'll believe it when I see it" kinda' thing... even though this was a business matter, I was still very skeptical he'd call... but he did seem so sincere.

I did kinda' think he was going to call... but then, he's done this to me so many times... say he was going to call and never call... and these would be situations where I never even asked him to call... he voluntarily would say so. Just like last night... again though, this was business, so it was different.

At the end of the evening, he walks around the bar... and soooo oddly kisses me on the lips... or maybe I kissed him on the lips... it was just a friendly little relatively moist peck........ we pulled away and looked at each other for a second. But whatever.

Did he call today? NO. I was volunteering to help him, and I even had/have a shitload of info for him... useful info.... but NO phone call. This week I've allowed myself to get jerked around by 2 bartenders... what's my fucking problem? oh well! hahahahaha!

WHATEVER!!!

Friday: crazy work day since I'm going to be gone for a week... then the lovely Green Eyes had a lovely dinner... I was able to meet her significant other, who I got the best vibes from... really good vibes. I'm looking forward to getting to know him.

And now, here I am tired as fuck, hating that I have to wake up at 6 fucking a.m. to catch a flight... but really, I can't complain... it's a flight to good-times.

Which leads us to where I'm going... my parents, my little sister, aunt and I are going on a Carribean Cruise... the last cruise I did with them was the Western Carribean, and now we're doing Eastern.

I'm so looking forward to being in the water every single day, yeay!!! flip flops every single day, yeay!!! and having a total DETOX... I've been so hard on my body... the circles under my eyes are moving down my cheeks... I got two pimples... I have rosey cheeks and the occasional blemish, but this week bred two substantial, bonafied pimples. Fuck me. DETOX - DETOX... and everyone thinks that I'll be drinking up a storm in paradise, but I've probably drank in front of my parents a few times..... like a few times meaning I can count them on one hand... and this includes my entire life.

Anyway, DETOX... sunshine... books... music... sand... family... new cities... clear water......... can't wait!!!!

Well, this means I won't be in touch until Monday or Tuesday of the following week, 3/26ish?

LIVE IT UP FOLKS

iConfused

My attempt at making alternate plans for Monday Night Dice proved futile. Of course. I’m a masochist. I had to go. I had to go torture myself with this iBartender… to feast on his crumbs.

When I arrived, he greeted me by saying, “hey, I have that shirt. I have it in white too.”

Tall K commented, “you’re wearing a shirt like hers tonight too… it has those same snap buttons.”

I chimed in, “those buttons make me want to tear your shirt open.”

iBartender, “whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want? Hm. That’s a loaded comment.”

“Like I said, whatever you want.”

In the mind of Miss Curious, you fucking flirt… I fucking hate-love you! I side-smirk.

“I want to put in Tall K’s iPod tonight.”

“Whatever you want.”

I walked over to the DJ booth. I saw him walking toward me. He came in and wrapped his arms around me… kissed me on the cheek, “I’m so glad you’re here sweetie,” he softly whispered in my ear.

In the mind of Miss Curious, it was nice until you called me sweetie. I fucking hate being called sweetie.

In silence, we leaned against one another. He was warm. I was confused. I touched him back. I then removed his arms from me. I told him I was going back to the bar. He told me not to go. I went.

I got some free drinks because… that’s what I WANTED. I felt like the fucking Princess Bride instead of Westly’s “As You Wishes” I had iBartender’s, “Whatever You Wants.”

Feeling appreciative, I told him that he needed to change the DVD in the DJ booth. I followed him there. He again wrapped his arms around me. It seemed like he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. He then sat down, and I sat beside him. (still in the dj booth)

“Why aren’t you kissing me?” I asked.

“You just have to tell me that’s what you want.”

“I want you to kiss me.”

He smiled and turned his hat backwards. He held my face with one hand, pulled me toward him, and our lips met. His soft, soft lips… his sweet, sweet tongue… mingled with mine. I’m smiling now as I think about it.

I’m so fucked.

Shit.

We flirted for most of the evening. Mildly flirted. It was kinda’ like we fucked and suddenly things were a little awkward.

Stolen kisses.

LaSassy arrived to play dice. I hoped she could help me get more insight into the situation. She was just as confused.

His shift ended. He left. We never said good-bye. We never do.

And that’s all it is. The occasional Monday Night Kiss. And I have to be fine with that. Unfortunately.

I should have said, “I WANT you to be in love with me.”

Hahaha!


OTHER BOY NEWS:

Do we all remember Kansas? He’s just this guy from a long time ago that I catch up with every once in a while. He’s called (didn’t leave messages), texted, and group emailed, but I’d just been busy.

Yesterday I decided to shoot him an email. I told him I’d drunk dial him later. I did.

We had this amazing conversation. We both just said – Yeah, I’m this black-haired fair-skinned converse-wearing wrist-tattoo rocker-lover girl… and you’re this curly-haired conventionally-handsome snowboarding rock-climbing mountain-biking jock-ey boy… but yet, we have these insanely connected conversations. We just “get” one another… as cheesey as that sounds.

But then, he doesn’t live in the city… and he’s gone every weekend snowboarding… we’re both just so busy… different hobbies… same mind… what wins?

We’re going to try and get together soon… I told him that he can’t have any expectations --- I meant whether or lips would touch or not… he had meant whether we’d fuck or not… oh my god. Men and Women.

Anway, I got this email from him this morning:

… nice talking to you as always....it never felt soooo natural before....HONEST TO GOD. have a good day sweetie ;)

Ciao

Okay, yes, I’m not a SWEETIE fan… but his SWEETIE’S are real… whereas iBartender’s SWEETIE’s seem disingenuous. I just thought this was so sweet.

I emailed back:

i hope you have a beautiful day Kansas..... thanks for humoring me last night... you're an amazing man ;-) let's talk again soon!

A Heartbroken Alcoholic

Apparently when you see those advertisements in the classifieds for School of Bartending, they teach you a whole lot more than how to make drinks… that’s only section B on the syllabus… section A is how to make the ladies come back for more.

Those Schools of Bartending even have free job placement… what a fucking perk.

Graduating at the top of your class means you’re the supreme smooth-talker… you make good eye contact, throw out the “I love you’s” as easily as you’d say hello, you place the napkin before her and say, “what can I get for you sweetheart?”, yes, sweetheart naturally rolls off your tongue… you remember her drink, it seems like you care, you tell her she’s looking beautiful… sometimes you gallantly kiss her hand while staring into her eyes… and us ladies fucking buy it.

We fucking buy it, and we buy the more drinks… we spend extensive hours there in hopes of some words that make us feel “special.” That bartender becomes our alcohol. We become addicted to his charming words and the occasional touch of our hands.

So yes, to get those highly coveted bartending jobs knowing the ingredients of a drink is the simple part, but it’s that imperative lip reverence that scores you those jobs.

I’ve been a sucker for this twice now. First with Obsession from Cheers, who got me in the sack (minus the actual penile/vaginal intercourse ‘cuz I was surfin’ the crimson wave) and now with iBartender.

I held out for a very long time with iBartender. Over the past year, I bore witness to his spot-on Bartending School antics. It was only recently with Monday Night Dice that I started batting my eyelashes and falling for his soulful glances and charming words.

Totally duped. I’ve been totally-totally duped.

We just like to think that we’re different… that he looks at us differently.

Uh. I was sooooo onto his game for so long. I can’t believe I’ve found myself here. Made a fool. I made myself the fool. I should have known better. I did know better. Fuck.

And he must have graduated Bartending School with High Honors and would be heavily recruited… a strong asset to any bar-owner.

At the end of the day, I blame that bar-owner. I blame that bar-owner for making me a heartbroken alcoholic.


From where did this post come? Yesterday during my chit-chat with Green Eyes, we discussed the prospect of me putting myself out there to iBartender… perhaps getting some “out of the bar” time.

But then… I read this:

http://cocksanddolls.blogspot.com/2007/03/low-down.html
(her March 7th post, “the low down”)

This story couldn’t be anymore of mirror image of my own situation. My jaw was dropped the entire time I read it. It’s as though this was written by the East Coast Miss Curious. Living this same silly life anywhere I’d go. To me, this is un-fucking-canny.

So… enough feasting on the crumbs of Obsession and iBartender. Enough. I will no way – no how ever put myself out there.

The great thing about her post is that it made iBartender into a character… into a cliché. Fiction. He fits the classic stereotype. And that makes me feel much better.

Now, I’ve decided to block any thought of him with vocabulary words that I’m studying for the GRE.

FABULOUS. AND FUCK BARTENDERS (WELL, NOT LITERALLY FUCK THEM)!

Cock Talk

This morning I was thinking about cocks… as I often do. I know I’ve said this before, but it really is kinda’ sad that guys get only one shot at a fat cock. It’s pure luck… you’re either born with it or without it.

When I like a guy, I’m always eager to stick my hands down his pants to see what I’ve won. As I’m reaching down, there’s a drum roll… I’m thinking, “please – please – please be a decent size… please.”

I don’t even have super high expectations…like I said, just something decent will do… something I can actually feel up inside of me. Trust me, I’ve had that classic, “is it in?” And one second later he’s cumming because it’s been in for the last hour.

If I fantasize about being married some day, part of the equation is, “hmm, what kind of dick will be mine forever?” Fucked up thought, I know.

But of course, if he’s fucking good at eating pussy, fingering ass, and tugging on my tits, then a good 2 inches is added to the dude’s cock size.

And here’s for even more sick fucked up thoughts… remember how my little brother’s stupid drunk friends revealed the sizes of both my little bros’ cocks?!??!! Well, yeah, I was actually so proud for them… giving the family a good name… I want my brothers to have a good life… to have plenty of confidence and 9 and 7.5 inches will do it. It was like I was almost relieved for them as disgusting as all of this sounds. I don’t want to know anything more than that or I’d puke, but anyway.

If some random weird crazy fucked-up jesus showin’ up at my door shit happened, and I had a son, I’m glad that I have large cock genes in the family.

I’m just being an honest Miss Curious here. Hahaha!

iBartender

What a surprise… it turns out that the bartender (let’s call him iBartender ‘cuz he lets me play my iPod on Monday’s) isn’t totally in love with me?!?! Why the fuck not?!! Hahaha!

I hadn’t seen him since our itty-bitty kiss last week, and I wondered how things would play out. They were normal, which is good, very good.

BUT, I wouldn’t be Miss Curious if I didn’t do one majorly stupid thing, right?!??!

He let’s me put my iPod in as soon as I get there… he then tells me how much he loved the CD I made him… super cute… we proceed to talk music, and we both get pretty into it… it’s always exciting to meet someone who’s completely on the same level with his or her obsession of music… we also have a nice banter… his quick wit is starting to make me think he’s a tad bit smarter than me… well, not that that means much.

Anyway, I don’t know how this whole “kiss on the cheek” thing happened again… before I knew it he’s asking me to kiss him on the cheek… what?

And here’s the stupid thing I did…. I laugh and say, “I’ll only kiss you on the lips.”

He chuckled and walked away.

He probably didn’t think much of it, but because I have an itty-bitty crush, I of course was more sensitive to his every response.

But then, really, why did he ask for another kiss on the cheek? That kiss on the cheek led to that “tongue in my mouth” last time. I don’t know.

Despite having great conversation through the evening, I left the bar feeling kind of stupid. Feeling like I’m this total chump for having fallen under yet another bartender’s little “I want bigger tips” spell.

I decided I’m not going to go back there for a while. I can’t feed these silly dead end desires for womanizers. I go home and feel sad.

My Worst Nightmare

My worst nightmare has come to true… I accidentally got cable, and now I’m hooked. By accidentally, I mean my BFF/Roomie’s undefined male in her life just plugged the cable in that’s been sitting in both of our rooms and viola, cable.

Is this a moral dilemma? Should I not use it because I’m not paying for it? It’s just there… like my wireless Internet. I log onto my computer, and I’m just online. What would you do? I do feel kinda’ guilty, but apparently not that guilty. Am I a total shit? Oops.

Anyway, back to hating cable. I haven’t had it in almost 3 years… not that I haven’t Netflixed Laguna Beach (seasons 1 & 2) or the Hills or 8th and Ocean… not that I didn’t TiVo Laguna Beach season 3 when I was at my parents’ down south.

I didn’t want cable a) for the extra expense and b) because one can easily become a zombie in front of that shit.

It’s like I’m suddenly catching up to the rest of the world… who knew there have been like a hundred Next Top Models or Top Design or The Agency or the Heidi Klum whatever show… or oh, that Real Wives of Orange County… oh my God that shit’s insane. I even watched Hollywood’s Biggest Confessions on E! …. Or whatever that countdown show was.

Aside from an amazing show with Chicajato and a Sunday bike ride around the city, I was pretty much hooked to the fucking cable. Jesus Christ. I even thought of canceling Netflix.

Oh my god… I’m insane. And like tonight, I’m supposed to have Monday Night Dice, but I really want to go home and watch the next episode of The Hills. Fuck me. I watch The Hills and think I actually relate to LC… have I said, oh my god yet? Hahaha!

MONDAY NIGHT DICE:

Whew. Enough cable talk… shit… I gotta’ cut that off (in my room BFF, just mine)… Anyway…………………. I will most likely go to Monday Night Dice tonight. Do we all remember what happened last Monday night? Yup, I got my lower lip lightly teeth tugged… and some alcohol spit exchanged… hopefully the bartender won’t be all awkward around me, assuming he’s even there this evening… hopefully he’ll still let me play my iPod and kick me in the ass with his sarcastic bite… maybe he won’t even remember it happened because we were both pretty fucked up. But really, it was nothing. Just a lil’ smooch like I used to do with all my sorority sisters in college. Even thinking about it the next day or today can be blamed on the fact that I'm a silly girl. Just a silly lil' Miss Curious girl. Aye.

Okay, well… hmmm… yeah, it’s nothing… hmm… why can’t he just be in love with me?

What's Your Scent?

I'm testing 5 perfumes right now. I've started to exhaust all the scented lotions from Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret, so I decided to go the perfume route. I haven't done perfume since Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth.

Each day I wear a new scent and have my co-workers rate it on a scale from 1 to 5, 5 being the best.

Here's the list:

1. Burberry - The Classic
2. Bvlgari - White Tea
3. Vera Wang - Sheer Veil
4. Carolina Herrara - 212
5. Ralph Lauren - Romance

I've only done 2 thus far... Burberry and Bvlgari. The Bvlgari's out, and the Burberry is a strong contender.

This whole perfume world is actually quite fascinating... everyone has their scent... I hadn't realized that there were so many people out there that have been using the same perfume for years.

I'm so eager to find out which is my own scent.... which mixes well with my own body chemistry. Yesterday, I wore the Burberry, and I couldn't stop smelling my wrist. A good sign.

We shall see.

And oh, a total shout-out to Sephora whose sale people knew I was only going to get samples this time 'round and still went through practically every fucking scent with me... they were amazing!!! Apparently they have this amazing return policy too... so this is just my huge plug for them. They were patient with my fucking indecisive attitude... put up with me like a good parent would for his or her children.


THIS WEEKEND:

Have another Noise Pop show tonight, State Radio. Going with Chicajato again (we did Cold War Kids last Friday)... we had a blast, and I imagine we will again this evening... hopefully. Saturday and Sunday will actually be mellow... I'm completely stoked... I'll probably take my new bike for a spin... feel the wind on my face... glide across the city.

Quick Side Note (or not so quick, really) - Speaking of Noise Pop (the SF indie music, art, & film 6-day festival), I was extra proud of myself for having gone to the opening night show this past Tuesday (yes, that means 3 shows in 8 days)... It was a free show, but you had to put your name on the list a couple weeks ago... You weren't guaranteed a spot either, so I had to go early and wait in line all by myself for over an hour... then I had to wait out several opening bands... and the in between time before Tapes N' Tapes went on... Typically for shows in which I go alone, I sneak in right before my band goes on, so I'm not standing around alone forever.

The extra proud part comes from the fact that I was totally okay with being alone... I mean it's been cool w/ shows thus far, but this was a true test.

I always knew I was a pretty independent chick, but over the past year, I've really come into myself... if that makes sense... like I've said many times before, I just enjoy boppin' around town in my little life... my little independent lovely life.