Pathetic, Just Doesn't Need to Be

You know that family that's always running for the bus with their bags half open and sunscreen and towels falling out... that family who doesn't realize there's a line and walks right in the door... or has the Mom who knows the bartender's entire life story after she goes up to get a Diet Coke... or that Dad who's abnormally excited about bingo and some 70's cover band, and the kids just roll their eyes at him, kinda' like Chevy Chase in the National Lampoons' Vacation. And then there's that aunt who's on a first name basis with not one, but several bartenders all of whom know her drink, "Seabreeze, make it a double."... yes, that aunt who in the open air bus shouts, "look! dolphins," and the bus stops... everyone gets out their cameras and moves to the right side of the bus only to hear that aunt say, "oh, oops... just some snorkelers."

That is my family.

Big fucking surprise.

A crazy family filled with what we like to call "friendmakers".

Anyway, the vacation was everything I'd hoped it be... massages, facials, steam rooms, the ocean until my fingers pruned, chocolate buffets, legs hanging over the side of a catamaran, sandy feet, a sunburned nose, mind-altering substance-free, a tanked aunt, and waking up to my little sister every morning.

Hiking through the rainforest in Puerto Rico... Um, I'm so fucking dumb, I didn't know they had a rainforest there.

How is it that this place exists, and I'm not living there. Please explain. Antigua.

My legs and lil sis' legs hanging over the side of the catamaran

THE BARTENDING WORLD:

Let's start with an iBartender update - obviously since I was on vacation, I missed Monday Night Dice, so I hadn't seen iBartender since the "Whatever You Want" Monday night make-out session, which was 2 weeks prior. Anyway, I get there and immediately he's less affectionate... yeah, my first drink was on him, but for some reason being the total idiot that I am, I expected some huge, "where have you been I missed you so much!" of course, that's in my little fantasy world where things like that happen... what the fuck was I thinking. His vibe didn't change much over the course of the evening... I hadn't had anything to drink in 8 days and I hadn't eaten dinner, so I swiftly found myself inebriated. Okay, yes, I tried to get there a little faster than usual because I felt like that stupid-stupid girl who had all this excitement to see him... and then I got there, and he hadn't even noticed my absence. Fucking Pathetic, me that is.

He didn't come meet me up in the DJ booth as I hoped he would... Yeah, I played my iPod... yeah, he played dice with us... yeah, he changed one of my songs and I said, "hey, put that song back on," and yeah, he said, "come make me," and I went, and he did shit... nothing... we kinda' half-assedly hugged... and then yeah, I somehow stuck my hand on his COCK, and yeah, it was like those little kid animal shaped sponges that expand when you put them in water... his COCK expanded in my hand... yeah, it felt pretty fucking nice... and he stood there and let me touch his COCK for a minute... he smiled... he said, "I can't make out with you here... I'm training the new bartender." WHATEVER. He made out with me over the bar once and in the DJ Booth another time... and suddenly he can't kiss me? GET A CLUE MISS CURIOUS... IF HE WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU, HE WOULD HAVE.

Yeah, he sat next to me on the barstool, and I molested his leg... and I think he played with my hand for a moment or maybe he was just trying to REMOVE MY HAND, which is a pretty fucking awful and embarassing thought ... but I kinda' remember saying, "do you want me to stop?" and I think he said, "no." but then, I was drunk.

And oh, earlier in the evening he mentioned that he'd just gotten a new computer and downloaded all this awesome music... I commented, "cool... I should totally come over and listen to it with you." He replied, "I'll come to your place." I just said, "yeah." Hmm. Wait. I do think I asked how late he worked that night... I think he lied and said he worked later than he really did. HUGE CLUE MISS CURIOUS. YEAH, GET THE FUCKING CLUE MISS CURIOUS. I totally opened the door there, and he didn't walk through. He stuck his foot in, but then pulled it right back out. Fuck that.

So here I am still feasting off these stupid fucking crumbs... fuck me... on Tuesday, I couldn't have felt like more of a complete loser... that stupid fucking girl who just threw herself at this bartender that has a fucking harem visit him every goddamn night, and there I was... Miss Awesome Curious acting like a total dipshit. A COMPLETE DIPSHIT. that'd be me.

It just fucking amazes me that in so many aspects of my life I don't take fucking shit from anyone... I consider myself a relatively strong person who lives her life with integrity and heart and will, and yet, I find myself defenseless against these silly bartenders... silly men... I hate having such a weakness... it's like fuck, how can I find myself in these insane foreign country situations where I'm a total survivor... and I can tell some strung-out nazi who says he wants to shoot me to, "go get your gun asshole!" and yet when iBartender or Obsession don't pay me enough attention, I fucking fall apart?!?!??!?!??!?!

And so I scream at myself... I can't believe I'm capable of acting so fucking pathetic... it's like get a fucking clue... get a fucking grip you stupid bitch! I just watch myself acting this way and can't even believe it's me... that I can't just say, "get over it," and be over it. It seems so simple... yet these fucked up wires in my head disable me from doing what I tell myself to do. UHHHHHH!

Anyway, I need to restrict myself, so I will more blatantly say, "soooo, when are we going to get together?" and if he actually jumps on the invitation, great... but if not, it just may change into Tuesday Night Dice 'cuz I don't think he works then. I have to just cut the fucking chord. CUT THE CHORD MISS CURIOUS. I can't keep torturing myself. Uh.

OBSESSION - He finally did call me... he called yesterday.. didn't leave a message, so I didn't call the number back. Then he called this afternoon and left a message... I decided he could wait for a call back... but then, he called again tonight, and I decided to pick-up. He wants me to help him with a couple of business things... soooooooooooo, he's going to come over tomorrow (Thursday) or next Tuesday (most likely then)... yes, he still has a girlfriend, so nothing's going to go down. Just business.... and I'm jaded with that boy anyway.

Hmm. I will be nervous when he comes over though. But really, oh well... who cares.

THESE BOYS... THESE BOYS JUST DON'T MATTER. THEY DON'T MATTER.

And seriously, no more Pathetic... there's just no need to be pathetic. There just isn't. I'm me. Fucking bad-ass me ;-)............ Shit! Hahaha! I'm sleepy... I have my headphones on and meant to go to bed. Bleh!

As Jeff Buckley would say, "Don't fool yourself... [He] was heartbreak from the moment that I met [him]." - Forget Her