Something on the Horizon... I Just Don't Know What It Is... Yet.

I've become this annoying, "Hey Miss Curious what are you doing tonight?"

"I'm going to a show."

Yes, I go to a fair amount of shows... and yes, I can hear in peoples' voices the, "whatever, another show."

And why... why do I keep going? I realized on Friday night that seeing live music is one of the only times I feel truly happy (i've said this before)... I'm not thinking about world hunger or the lack of sex or the lack of meaning or hating 40 hour work weeks... it's the only time where I'm living, truly living, living in the moment... where all my senses are heightened... I feel the high of alcohol and weed... I give myself up to the music... I'm fascinated with the men and women on stage and the men and women in the crowd... there are so many levels of enjoyment... feeling a sense of comraderie with the strangers with whom you're sharing this experience... you feel some hot arousal from the some male singer or guitarist... the one your eyes are fixated upon.

Uh. True escapism.

And sure be annoyed that I'm off to some other show... but it's the only place I feel full. Complete happiness.

I always need it. I need it right now. I need to feel something other than this apathy... the useless drag of another day... staring at that same tree 5 cubicles away through half-open blinds... day after day after day. Wondering, if this is as good as it gets. Wondering if there's something more. Wondering how I'm going to find my way out of this rut. Shows aren't enough, but they're a start.

What is next? There's something next. Not grad school yet. But there's something. What? Fuck.

Weekend:

Saturday loft party... chuckled a bit as I walked by 5th Paragraph's dark window. Part of me wanted to email him today and say, "I walked by your window." How fucking stupid is that? Don't worry, I'm not going to do it. Guess I had a moment where I wanted to talk to a boy. But silly me, not a boy that dissed my ass. Fuck him. ;-) Guess that means I genuinely have ZERO prospects. It's always fun to think about some random boy... but this is nice too... very nice... contrl

I went home, soaked from the rain... and 40 dollars in cab rides later... I was met by my roomie, BFF, and a friend of hers... we smoked, and he played DJ... we laughed... I was happy then too. Thanks BFF.



And so I sit here... still thinking... what next?