The Truth About Love
I love love. My entire life I’ve been in love with it. Love that would transcend the mundane. That in your dark room, with him under your covers, unclothed, bodies clinging together, foreheads touching everything would make sense. That those nights of you staring out your window wondering why you’re here and feeling some intense longing for something… you’d finally know that something. His soul was that something.
Yes, where you say, 'finally here you are. I’ve been waiting for you.' And all the pain your mind and heart have caused you is suddenly okay. Everything’s okay.
The kind of love Edgar Alan Poe wrote about…
“And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me…
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee…”
Annabel Lee, Edgar Alan Poe
And sure you grow older and come up with a million reasons why you haven’t found this yet… that oh right, we need to be complete, whole on our own, have experienced the world and done this and that… and become amazing or whatever shit… But really, who am I kidding? I can never feel complete unless I have it.
It's like Salieri in the film, Amadeus... he was born for such a passion, such an innate longing for music, yet god didn't give him the means to satisfy his hunger... instead he was cursed with incarnation of this hunger... the knowledge that he'll starve his entire life.
And sure, I can be happy. I can find things I enjoy and try to live a life of integrity. I can love my family and my friends… but, I know I can’t be whole. I know that at the end of my time here, if I never found him, my heart would be broken.
This is the truth. This is the truth coming from some girl who always wanted to rid herself of such a grim malady… a girl who doesn’t need anyone. Little Miss Independent.
But of course, we live and learn. How fucking lame! Now I’ve learned that apparently this kind of love doesn’t exist. And yes, this is part of the reason I’ll probably never have a relationship because it will never be this.
What brought on this post… Friday night, a friend of mine told me he was getting a divorce. I thought he had the perfect marriage. His marriage was counted on my one hand when I thought of relationships that I’d love to have. How many people do I know who are in amazing relationships?! Where they can describe their significant as “amazing”? That they couldn’t live without him or her? That this is what they always thought love would be like?
Must think.
So, there is no Santa?
PS - Yes, I know people have real problems, and my woes are silly... this is just in my head sometimes. Ridiculous head. Sometimes.
posted by MissCurious @ 2:43 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
me too, mc, me too.....
sigh.
love, bff/psp
wow...thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, once again.
I was walking home from work, late, thinking the whole time about this very issue.
I was wondering if was the fast approaching Valentine's day and all the red I saw at the Long's today. Maybe it's my own divorce coming back to haunt me...maybe it is just part of growing up.
I don't want to give up on the belief in that kind of love; despite my best attempts (ok maybe only mediocre attempts, who knows), though, I had to admit to myself the other day that I don't know what it feels like to be loved in that way much less to love in that way.
Trite or not, I do understand and believe that I need to love myself that way...not first, just have to...mostly I am more worried about not recognizing that love when it is near because I don't love myself enough or in the right way.
Who knows how many opportunities have walked in and out of my life already.
I know what you mean. I think all of us do. We don't want to think of a life without love and it's gets old hearing "you'll find him - he's out there..." Is he really though? My optimistic side says yes.
You know - there is a lot bs out there to deal with. You could find that love and the one you feel like you've been waiting for - and he could be married. Or otherwise attached. And then you're really screwed - unless he gets divorced. And then you have to deal with that drama - but it's all supposed to be worth it right?
Honestly - I feel like I have found that love right now but it's not without a price or bs to deal with. It will NEVER be perfect. But it can happen and it can feel amazing.
I don't think it's a load of crap that we do have to love ourselves first and feel more complete on our own before we can find that good love. I'm not 100% there, but I've felt better than I have in a very long time and I think that's why this love feels soooo right - right now.
Have you thought about throwing yourself out there for some more dating? Why not try match again :)??
i found that love and it is mundane. at first it was, wow, this isn't how i'd thought it would be. weird, but true. that doesn't make it any less transcendent--maybe it makes it even more so. when it happened, it felt not like it had always been missing and i'd found it, but that it had always been there. there was no question that it was the real thing or that it would last forever (sickeningly sweet, i know, but true). it didn't make the start of it less urgent, but it let us play with the urgency, as we knew it wasn't actually so. all this is particularly unhelpful isn't it?
Maybe it's the time.. in this day and age, is there such a thing as true love? When you look at the previous generations, did people stay together because that was what they were supposed to do, or was it because there were less things getting in the way of being in love? Here and now,in a world of 6 billion people, what are the chances that you will find your soul mate?
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