So Over Myself, Really

I suppose I’m in one of those, “I’m so over life,” moods. I know I have so many wonderful things in my life… and yes, I want to kick myself in the ass over half the time for being unappreciative or hurt or simply ridiculous… but sometimes, the grind just gets ya’ down… sometimes I’m just like – what’s the fucking point – I’m so over this. Sometimes things happen that just don’t need to… something as simple as dropping half your cream cheese covered bagel on the ground… or stabbing your gums with your toothbrush… when you’re already down for real reasons, can’t everything else just go okay?

And you wake up day after day. Wish you could sleep-in just a tad bit longer… take your shower… wash your hair, loofah your body with some body gel that smelled okay, and condition your hair… all in the same order day after day.

And you’re at this job that you didn’t even know existed 10 years ago… wishing someone hadn’t just pushed 40 copies and forgot to clear it… and listening to someone tell you what to do 8 hours a day, 5 days a week… and just getting a phone call from your mom who’s planning a family vacation to Nicaragua that you can’t go to because you used your vacation days already… and then you hate yourself because you know you should be thankful to even have a family who takes you on vacations or to just have a family at all.

Here you sit in front of your computer wondering why your keyboard has silver glitter on it… thankful that it looks kinda’ nice… your eyes are red… you can barely see the outside from your cubicle, but you see that it’s windy, and the sun comes out off and on…

You feel your fingertips… realize you’re alive, and you’re not sure why. You wish you knew. You wish you could be capable of understanding. You wish you weren’t perpetually aware of your existence. Wish you didn’t constantly question everything and everyone. Wish you didn’t have such high expectations of people or the world or purpose or yourself. Wish you could just string together all those little things to make you feel full.

Wish you weren’t the type of person who would even write this in her blog.


Just a quote I’ve used before… not particularly relevant, but I think of it in this mood:

“… and nothing was simple there, not even poverty nor sudden money, nor the moonlight nor right nor wrong nor the breathing of someone who lay beside you in the moonlight."

A Moveable Feast, Ernest Hemingway