A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Because the prospect of moving abroad was still looming in the background, I put the housing situation on the back-burner. Once that option was eliminated, I had to scramble to save my current apartment. Last week I spent my spare computer time answering emails of potential roommates (hence, the lack of blogging). Yes, my rent is going up. Yes, I have to reapply to get my place since my current roommie is the only one on the lease. But no, I wouldn’t or don’t have to move, again!

Anyway, a good friend of mine, who I often refer to as BFF (Best Friend Forever) got back from dancing in Brazil… and said, “Miss Curious, hook a BFF up as your roommie!” So – So – So, now my BFF and I (assuming our application is accepted, oh fuck!) are going to be living together!!! This means our apartment will be pimped out in retro-funk shabby-chic style!!! This also means that it will be both of our HOME. It’s not her moving into MY place or me moving into someone else’s place. It will be OUR HOME. This makes me fucking happy as fuck!!! Let’s all cross our fingers that we actually get the frickin place!!!

Let’s talk about one of my favorite obsessions… Obsession. Friday night I went out w/ a colleague. I say colleague because she doesn’t work in my office… we do business together… over the phone. She had the idea of going to sushi happy hour, but when we got there it was closed, closed, what the fuck?!?! Anyway, she suggested going to the Mission. And going where? Surprise, Cheers.

Obsession was working as always. We chatted for a bit. After a couple of drinks, I asked about that ex-girlfriend who was supposed to be moving out of his place.

“Obsession… so how’s that ex-girlfriend of yours?”

He smirks and doesn’t answer.

“You’re not broken up are you?”

“I’m working on it. She just hasn’t moved out yet.”

And although, he and I have been through this silly song and dance forever… and I’ve feasted off of his crumbs and felt like a fool again and again… and know that whatever he says is playful banter… harmless flirting… and nothing would ever happen again… for some reason, I found myself totally PISSED. Not sad… just totally – oddly – surprisingly PISSED.

I don’t know what came over me… I know that we’re merely flirty friends at the bar, like I said… I know all of this… I know he doesn’t like me that way… but for some reason, I just couldn’t even look at him.

I ignored him for about an hour. I asked the other bartenders for my drinks and food. I didn’t care if I’d be paying for everything. I was just so pissed. If he made us back-up drinks before we finished, I didn’t even acknowledge it.

He noted… and loud and firmly said, “Miss Curious are you doing okay?”

“Fine.”

After pouting for a significant amount of time, I got over it, and we started chatting again… chatting about me wanting him to drunk-dial me on his birthday (this weekend)… and him telling me he’d open his bar at 6 am for me to start drinking then on my birthday (in July)… him telling me he wouldn’t have a girlfriend then. Him telling me he wanted to call me last week to go see a movie… WHATEVER. Why does it even matter?!?!?! Oh my god --- so fucking silly!!! Silly – Silly – Silly. I’M SO FUCKING DUMB!!!

At the end of the evening, I said, “Obsession, I’m going to meet you at the side of the bar, and we’re going to hug good-bye.”

“Yes we are.”

I walk over. Look him in the eyes, smile, and say “Obsession, I HATE YOU.”

He smiles, “I HATE YOU TOO MISS CURIOUS.”

We embrace. Tightly. He kisses me on the cheek.

And like always, I walk out… with the usual bittersweet mood accompanying me… Ah, until the next silly flirtation that I think way more than should be thought about.

I attribute this particularly emotional reaction to the fact that there is currently NO ONE else to think about.

The night doesn’t end there. My colleague wants to go to her house and change her shirt before we move on to the next spot. And where oh where does she live?!?!?! She lives right next door to 5th Paragraph. Right next door --- as in the same complex --- as in can see inside his living room from her stairway --- as in ‘that’s the window I was hooking up in’ --- as in she’s inviting him to her party next month (he most likely won’t go, but still)… I DIDN’T KNOCK ON THE DOOR OR ANYTHING, BUT I JUST THOUGHT, WOW, SMALL WORLD.