Did I Beckon His Voice?

And of course, last night I got a phone call… a phone call that I’d been waiting for, for one full year. My first love. A very strong love, but not love how I imagined. A love where I thought he knew me better than anyone in the world. Sometimes I think he still does.

I’ve referred to him as Mr. Lost His Mind Christian, but that was when I was very bitter at his sudden change in religious beliefs. He hasn’t lost his mind. In fact, it’s a very good thing for him. He struggled with sadness much more intensely and for far longer than I.

Last week, my friend BFF (my new roommie!) told me about a CD a guy made her before she went on a trip. The CD was of course a message to her. After hearing this, I decided to pull out a CD that Mr. Lost His Mind Christian had made for me before I left for the Peace Corps. A message to me.

The songs were all about hurting him because I had left… how I took his heart and what was he supposed to do now.I didn’t cry when I listened to it. Single tears slowly trickled from the corners of my eyes, but it wasn’t crying.

He wasn’t happy that I’d left, but I had to… I was young. I needed to explore and save the world. But he thought our love would make me stay. And because I left… because I decided to become that “whole” “fulfilled” and “experienced” woman… because I left, I lost him forever.

Sure he came to visit me in Ukraine and things were wonderful… but that snowy evening in Kiev, I stood on the train platform. I could see my breath. I stood by his train window. He opened it and reached out. I remember the look on his face. Although he was going back to friends, people all around him, and I was going back to my village where I knew no one, we both knew that we’d feel so alone. The train began to move. He held his hand out until I couldn’t see him anymore. (yes, completely fucking cheesey, but I will always feel cold on my nose from that moment)

Things were never the same after that. I returned, and we tried to make it work, but the things he did while I was away caused irreparable damage.

Maybe I left though because I knew it wasn’t quite right. I did always feel like he loved me more. Is it possible though for two people to love one another equally? Both times I was in love, I knew they loved me more. Perhaps that sounds callous, but I knew they loved me more because they could never live up to what I thought and still think love should be like. They loved me more because they were realistic. I had expectations of them that they could never fulfill.

For those of you who know Mr. Lost His Mind Christian, he is now married, and his wife is pregnant. He hopes to have several children.


TO ADDRESS COMMENTS ON MY LAST POST:

First off, thank you, beautiful things were said… I am a very independent woman. Like I mentioned, I engage myself with things and people that I love. I am extremely pleased with the person that I am. I am very proud of myself in so many ways. I am happy with the convictions by which I live. I am happy with how I treat others. I am happy of my work ethic. I am happy with the chances I’ve taken, the will that I have, the love in which my heart is capable. I am happy that I’m doing the best I can. I’m certainly not unscathed by depression, but I fight it. I’m committed to fighting it. I don’t need a partner to be happy… I need a partner to complete me. Does that make sense?

Ah, another comment just came in... I don't know if it's a matter of our day and age or what it is, but I not so secretly believe in true love. I want to. I have to. But maybe you're right, maybe it just doesn't exist. It's like Miracle on 34th Street where in a court of law they're trying to prove the existence of Santa. I'm trying to prove the existence of true love.

CHEESEY LOVE QUOTES - YES, YOU CAN GAG!!!

"I love her and that's the beginning of everything." --F. Scott Fitzgerald (this gives me the fucking chills, in a good way)

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -- Rumi

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." --Aristotle (cliched, but this sums up the ridiculous romantic idea I have of love)

"So dear I love him that with him, All deaths I could endure. Without him, live no life." -- William Shakespeare (love, death, life, pain, love, the cure)