Losing the Battle. Really?

I feel like I am against a clock. Consciously I don’t see it as the ‘baby’ clock because I don’t particularly want my own babies when there are so many in the world already who don’t have someone to love them. So then, what is it? Am I so afraid of being alone? What does that even mean? I had fun tonight with a friend. I had fun last night with a friend. I like having alone time. I like reading trashy books and watching Masterpiece Theater miniseries. These things make me happy. And yet, there is still this longing. So much of what I’ve written has been about love and relationships and everyone wants to hear about those subjects because everyone else is thinking about them too. This must mean then, our purpose is indeed to couple up, reproduce, and insure our genes continue through generations… the Selfish Gene Dawkins says. If you give me one human behavior, I can find its origin in the selfish gene. I have this battle with my genetic make-up. I can easily sit here and say that I should be happy keeping my own schedule, enjoying time with my friends, reading, going to the movies, listening to music, etc. Yes, these things make me happy, but in the back of my mind is that need to partner up. I’m 31 now. How did I get here so quickly? I don’t even understand. I see my face age, my body age… I couldn’t find the ‘one’ when I was thinner and had fewer freckles (rather age spots), how in the world will I find someone now.

Oh my fucking god. Oh my god. Why can’t I fight this desire. This inherent desire. I am no match for genetics. My selfish genes are winning the race. Seriously? How can they be winning?!?! I can’t even imagine being fully, being completely happy without someone else. I live with this hope that one day it will happen. When I was 21, I thought I would certainly be with someone at 31. But yet, here I am without even a prospect. And why oh why do I care??! It’s unbelievable really. How I can recognize this desire as being unnecessary, as an inhibitor, and still desperately want it?! I logically don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t understand how at this point I’m not stronger than this irrational desire. Perhaps if I fell into the category of genuinely wanting my own children, I could understand why I’m feeling such a pressure.

I really and truly don't understand how i can't overcome this. I don't. I really don't. And even now, in this psychotic spiral, I want to say "where is he already?!" Really?!?!

It

I was just going through old documents and came across one title "It", most likely titled that because the document started with the word "It". Anyway, you'll note the song I was listening to when I wrote It. It just so happens that the same song popped up on my iPod. I felt like posting it to no one out there as I haven't written on this in like 6 months. But, here I am.


It’s Friday night. I’m sitting on my floor eating white rice with low sodium soy sauce. With or Without You is playing on my iPod. I haven’t listened to that song in a very long time. It’s funny how over the years lyrics assume different meanings.

What struck me are a few lyrics placed completely out of order and lyrics that are completely simple, but for whatever reason, they sparked a little something in me this evening.

"And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away…
My body bruised…
And [I] have nothing left to lose."

In the world of love for Miss Curious, ‘tis true. I’ve given myself away. My body’s bruised. But then… I’m surprisingly taking a positive spin on that last lyric… it’s okay for me to keep giving in to the pursuit of love because really, I’ve felt like a dumbass, an asshole, broken hearted, homicidal, suicidal… hahaha… so yeah, really, what do I have to lose? What’s left to feel? Well, one great love I suppose.

So where is he already?

Why Tonight?

Since I’ve started hanging out with the straight folks and going to straight bars and meeting straight guys, I’ve found myself so disenchanted. I often thought that perhaps if I hung out with more straight people, I’d meet some dude to have regular sex with and sometimes good conversation.

But really, I’ve realized the male situation is bleak. The male situation is really a matter of the stars aligning. There are millions of factors that need to be in place for two people to fall in love and to stay together. It seems almost impossible.

Sometimes I go out in hopes of maybe meeting someone. Silly, I know. Then I wonder, how many nights have I been out, how many men have I met, how many men have I dated… and why, why would tonight be the night I met the person with whom I’d spend the rest of my life?

Don't Know Where To Begin

I'm getting old.

My annual sorority trip to Vegas was this weekend and craziest things that happened were my juvenile pranks. These pranks included purchasing fake shit at a Houdini shop and placing it in the bathroom of LaSassy. They also included my weekend search for naked chick - "Girls come to you" advertising cards with the names of friends in our group. I only came upon one and did manage to sneak it into her wallet much to her surprise and plenty of chuckles from those in on it.

Perhaps such pranks negate my "I'm getting old comment," so I suppose I should qualify that statement. Every year there is some insane story that brings us back to college negligence and if only our mother's knew.

This year, however, I found myself as one of the first persons to go back to the hotel room, bust open a bottle of champagne, and sit on the floor with a couple other geriatrics.

So, there's the Vegas recap.

BOYS:

Anyone remember my post where I described this perfect date with a guy, but requested that no one ask me about it?

Well, no one seems to go away forever in Miss Curious' world. This dude, let's call him Text Message, had been a question in the back of my mind. Any time I'd meet new guys or think about old guys, I was starting to compare them to my brief encounters with Text Message.

We stopped communicating a while back, but I out of the blue decided to drunk dial him.

Here's where two stories intersect. I'll begin the other one here:

Now that I work in Straightsville, I have a co-worker that has all these straight guy friends. The two of us have been hanging out quite a bit lately, which means I've been hanging out with her straight guy friends too.

One night, her friend, let's call him Anal, sat across from me. He proceeded to say a million totally inappropriate things, and since I'm known for inappropriate, I had to step up my game. The conversation ended up, like most conversations end, with me telling him that he should let me stick my finger up his ass. Partly because he needed inappropriate comments thrown back at him and partly because he is insanely anal. (hence the name, Anal)

We all said our good-byes, and I of course decided I had a big crush on him. I then saw him at her house-warming party that coming weekend. What do all people do when they have a crush on someone?!? Ignore him or her.

I proceeded to ignore him, and when I left, he gave me a huge hug and said, "good-bye beautiful." I almost swooning-sigh almost parted my lips.

A week later a huge group of their friends were going to happy hour. My game plan was to again, ignore him. I told a friend of mine that on Monday I'd tell her all about how I ignored him all evening.

That night I watched him from the corner of my eye. He took no notice of me. Then this other guy kept talking to me and so rudely interrupted the tab I was keeping on Anal. Let's call this other guy, Russia.

But then, Russia's conversation began to hold my attention. Before I knew it, we'd been talking for what seemed like hours. Affections began to develop for him. He seemed to be interviewing me "what do I do" "how old am I" "what do I look for in a relationship". Then, we discussed sex for the rest of the time along with another (perhaps gay male). Russia kept putting his arm around me and squeezing me in. He was so warm.

I kept eyeing his soft lips almost to a point where I thought he noticed just like chicks notice when a guy eyes her chest.

At the end of the night, he said something to the effect of, "too bad you work with our mutual friend." What?!?!

Before I left, I gave Anal a big hug, who then said, "why did you ignore me all night?"

Of course in my head, I'm like, "he noticed-he noticed!!!" If a guy didn't care, wouldn't he just say good night, good to see or just good-bye? But now, my affections were turned to Russia.

I then couldn't wait to see Russia again. The time came a week later when I went out to happy hour with our mutual friend. We drank outdoors, and I asked if Russia might be dropping by (oh so slyly as to not give away my crusch). When it seemed he would never come, I finally hopped in a cab and went home.

Since I hadn't eaten dinner and had been drinking margaritas in the sun for hours, I had a huge buzz going on. I wasn't ready for the night to end.

Here's where the stories converge:

I then decided to get online, log-on to my verizon wireless bill, and retrieve Text Message's telephone number. Determined yes. Despite realizing there are single straight men in San Francisco, I still had Text Message as that question mark in the back of my head because he was seemingly wonderful.

I called him, but got no answer.

The phone rang. It was mutual friend who was in a cab on her way to meet Russia. She told me to get my ass out again. Naturally I went, haha!

I hadn't realized I was walking into the birthday party of his model-esque girlfriend. He suddenly turned into a Mr. Big type (Sex and the City character for those of you who don't know) who dates models and actresses, but should really be into me :-).

She left shortly after I got there, and he sat down next to me to chat. It was late. The bar was closing, and the three of us weren't ready to leave. We decided to cab to my place. Soon enough our mutual friend decided to leave. Russia decided to stay.

We then kissed a tad and crashed since we were both exhausted. Cuddling was involved in the falling-asleep process. Cute, sweet cuddling.

In the morning we made out a bit. He made a conference call. I rested my head in his lap, and he played with my hair. As he was leaving we paused at the front door for a good-bye smooch. He'd open the door to go, and then he'd close it again to give me another kiss. He did this more than twice, for the record. He asked if I was going to join him and our mutual friend at Bay to Breakers, but I couldn't. We left it at that. No number exchange. Simply a nice evening. And it was okay with me. Moreover, I am by no means a model, so I swiftly came to the conclusion I wasn't his type and plus, he wears a nice watch.

That afternoon I received a text from Text Message who was apparently glad to hear from me and told me to keep the calls coming. That night he proceeded to text me 16 times, my texts back consisted of only 4. He also called. CRAZY!!!

The next morning after apologizing, he kept the texts coming again. Perhaps 8 that time trying to convince me to "hang out". Since I'm like a dude, I said maybe that night as I did want to see him and see how it felt to be around him.

He was a little too touchy-feeley that night for not having seen each other in a while. I asked him why he psychotically texted me with him replying that he gets a thought in his head and becomes obsessed with it. Won't give up.

Crazy. Weird. Total Turn-off.

We made out a bit, and he left. Left with my question finally answered. NO. It'd never be. His actions were just strange. Really, strange. End of that story.

And, end of the Russia story as well. Or perhaps pause for now?

You see, for the first time in a long time I really mean it when I say this, this is a really bad time for me right now. I won't go into all the reasons why, but my job situation is somewhat consuming my mind. I really haven't been able to think much about anything else. I've also been out of town and have had a packed schedule and pretty much walk around with nervous stomach. Oye, the anxiety. I need to settle before I can even think about the cuddling Russia and I did that night.