The End?

The Brother and I had a moment where I thought it was the end. Before the weekend began, he mentioned he’d be available to hang out Saturday night around 9 pm… I was happy because I, well, like hanging out with him and we don’t have many weekend nights to do so. It’s always getting up early for work, blah blah blah.

9 pm turned into 11:30 pm and he then had to wake-up at 8:30 am. I pretty much reached a point where his schedule thing wasn’t working out for me. We had a talk about it. I told him I just didn’t know how this was going to work as these late night rendezvous’ weren’t satisfying… that we just didn’t have much quality time together.

He said his schedule wasn’t going to change. His music is his number one priority right now and that he cares about me and wants to be with me and will make as much time for me as he can, but I just have to decide whether it’s enough.

My mind of course does its neurotic thing… I realized that this issue is going to come up again and again… but then he’s this amazing man who I think the world of, so I should make it work… if you like someone enough, the effort will just have to be made…. Every relationship has it’s compromises… no relationship is perfect… I should just be appreciative that I found someone like him…. but again, will I be okay always being put 2nd? Will he be there for me if I really needed him? and I basically have to be available when he is? He dictates so much of our time / our relationship…. And I just have to be okay with everything… I have no choice. If I have something else going on that evening, I’m fucked… maybe I’ll see him in another five days.

I expressed, oh, most of this to him. We had a moment where it was like, “yeah, okay this isn’t going to work.” And my heart completely hurt… eyes watered. He was strong, calm – seemingly unaffected, which of course makes things hurt even more. So I had a “take back” moment. I told him that this has nothing to do with who he is – it’s just a matter of scheduling – and that we should make this happen because people just don’t find each other.

And where the fuck would I ever find someone like him? and am I just doing this because I’m scared? Because my heart is in his hands for him to do what he will, and I just have no say? And I fucking hate it!

We decide to move forward. Yesterday we went to one of his good friends’ son’s birthday party (3 years old). I met all his good friends, but I’m told that most of his girlfriends have (of course). He said he had a moment where he looked over at me conversing with one of his friends, the sun highlighting my red-pulse hair, and he had so much love for me in that moment… that he thought he could be off the market forever.

The rest of the evening was great…. But I feel vulnerable. I feel like I shook his confidence in us by bringing shit up… and that now he’s going to hold back… that I’m an obligation instead of something that could make him happy. I just got off the phone with him… he sounds so distant… and I need to be cool right now … I need to be the strength because I set him into waver mode, but I don't have the strength... I don't know how we're going to save this.

I suppose I just thought being with someone would make you feel less alone in the world… and with him, we’re just not around enough or have “quality” time when it’s not late night going right to sleep time. I should just be patient, less psychotic, but I am psychotic and I'm not patient... and I'm trying and I need someone who has strength at this point in the game... mine comes later.

Right now I feel more alone than ever… not close enough to friends, not close to him… work’s just okay… my chest feels tight – I can hardly breathe now.