My Predicament

When you’re in a relationship, the nature of your friendships change, particularly with your single friends. You go out less, drink less, and generally shoot the shit less with them. I do like being in this relationship, but I have very hard time letting go of the codependency I’ve had with many of my single friends.

It’s like you’re this active member in the singles group (even fucking president of the club), and you’re all tight and bond over how great being single is because you don’t have to put up with the bullshit of a relationship… but really you’re all fucking bummed as shit that you haven’t met the “one,” and where the fuck is he or she already?!?! When someone in the group actually says this out loud (usually drunk), the rest of the group says those supportive things that they don’t really mean like, “oh, your time will come and all this waiting will be worth it.” In the back of our minds, we’re really thinking, “oh fuck, I could be single forever… no one told me life was like this… no one told me I wouldn’t find some soul mate and find the perfect job and have the perfect house.” And then there you are with your singles group trying to think up ways to be okay with singledom….yes, trying to be okay with the prospect of being single for life.

Sometimes, people leave the group. I’ve left the group, for now. I have a strong affiliation with the singles group... been a longtime member. Breaking those ties is proving to be immensely difficult. What if I break-up with the Brother tomorrow? Will the singles group take me back? Will they empathize with me? Or will they tell me to fuck-off because where the hell was I during the relationship? Certainly not at the meetings, they say.

And when you are with someone, you join this other group. It’s this boyfriend group where people do couples things and are you with someone who can even do couples things? Do they fit in with the other boyfriends or girlfriends? I never seem to date someone who really gets along with the other boyfriends (minus that one in college, but he got along w/ them post-me). Please note this isn't always because they're dickheads - it's usually 'cuz they fit into some other weird group and can't move within the crazy different types of friends I've come to know. Or they really are just dickheads and they're in and out of my life in a minute.

Anyway, this leaves me a bit in the middle, trying to maintain friendships w/ the boyfriend people without really having my boyfriend there, and then trying to maintain the friendships with the single folks, who say it’s just not the same hanging out with me.

I suppose I feel slightly unnerved by all this. I don’t want to have this dependency on The Brother. I really do want to keep my friendships as strong as they’ve been pre-The Brother because should things go south with him, which is very possible as we’re still at the onset of our relationship, I’ll need them. Of course, however, that’s not the only reason I want to maintain those friendships. I just like hanging out with them, and I don't want things to change (I suppose my expectations of life and people are oh, hm, too high and ridiculous). Hm. Well, whatever, here’s just another topic I’ve overanalyzed and will get over in two more minutes.

Thank God:

Thank God you’re all so understanding of my many type-o’s and word omissions… I tend to write off the cuff and my fingers can’t always keep up with my thoughts… what a fucking surprise!