Hadn't Realized I Was So Fucking Bitter

Let’s get back to that ex-sex (as Jackie-O calls it)… sometimes a great thing and sometimes sooo wrong. In retrospect, I wish I’d never picked up the phone and called him, DV that is. The entire evening with him is still a bit of blur, which helps… but I’m still left feeling soo fucking small. Yes, he has this tendency to make me feel like a fucking child.

I just want to scream, “Don’t Sweetie, Honey-baby me!!! Fuck you!!!” He has this beautiful ability to belittle my ass… as though he knows what he’s doing… as though he’s soo fucking mature and knows all the fucking secrets to life… and that I suck because I don’t get all worked up about boy bands being more successful than neil diamond… you know what I frankly don’t give a shit… there’s a lotta shit that just doesn’t matter…

I mean fuck… DV if there are answers, write a goddamn book because as far as I’m concerned we’re all fucking disasters… no one has a fucking clue… no one’s doing anything fucking right… we’re all completely wrong… so don’t act like your wrong is better than mine… I mean c’mon we all spend our days over-analyzing this and that… trying to make friends and keep friends and find the perfect job with co-workers that we don’t need to talk about shit about… and we all read our horoscopes and skip the health and career sections to go straight to love because we think a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or a wife will answer all our fucking problems…

DV, I’m going to have problems and do stupid shit and drunk dial and talk non-stop and eat too much or smoke too much and say I’m going to do something and never do it… I’m going to do all these silly fucked up things over and over and over again… and don’t give me your fucking clichés of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger honey-baby”… give me a break dude… why do I have to be stronger? Sometimes I’m weak and sometimes I’m strong, who the fuck cares… show me what’s really behind some strong bitch --- probably some profoundly bitter and hurt and depressed man or woman… and I have that part of me too… and I’m inconsistent, but hey I’m awake today… I’m at work today… and I have friends and I like my co-workers, a lot.

And so maybe none of this makes sense and I don’t make sense and life doesn’t make sense… so please don’t give me your little lectures and pretend like everything makes sense to you, and I just need to grow the fuck up… I’m never going to grow up… I’m just not… so just go fuck yourself…and I’ll just continue fucking up as royally as I can.