Am I Fucked?

The first night our kisses were far beyond the intimacy of strangers. Our foreheads would rest upon the other’s – our faces were so close our eyelashes could almost touch… we exchanged soft kisses as though we wanted to make some dismal history between us finally requited.

We had our second date on Friday night, and I was so eager to see the intensity in which it would extend. He called after work and mentioned he was excited to see me… being my abrasive self, I replied with some sarcastic comment. His tone quickly changed, and I desperately tried to back track, “oh no, I didn’t mean that… I’m sorry… my sarcasm is such a problem… please don’t be mad.” In some scorned somber voice he rejoined, “oh… yeah, whatever…”

I was stunned by his reaction… my sarcastic comment was so clearly sarcastic, and I even tried to apologize, but he maintained this embittered tone.

When I finally arrived at his apartment, his mood had lifted, and he greeted me with a kiss. We briefly discussed the phone incident and brushed it off as us still getting know one another.

The pace of this MySpace encounter still proceeded at full speed ahead. With a movie in the background, we shared personal details of our lives. His confessions surprisingly brought tears to my eyes, and I wanted to protect him… I wanted to comfort him and as every relationship book says not to do – I wanted to save him… seeing my eyes well up with tears, he then tried to comfort me… He has a sweet nurturing personality.

The course of the evening seemed all too intense for a second date. After the emotional fucking, we decided to physically fuck. I know it seems slutty (and that it is) and I know Malenky (see Friday comments) strongly urged me against it, but at the time I made a choice… this is how the decision making process goes.

I have to consider the following:

a) If I know I “have” the guy (by this I mean that no matter what I do I know he wants me badly enough that he’s not going anywhere), I can safely have sex with him and know that dates in the future to see where this could go are still an option.
b) If I have sex with him, I run the risk of thinking he got what he wanted and there’s no challenge left… and I then get completely ditched.

And if I’m okay with both a) and b), I can safely have sex. Let’s discuss b) … although my description of him has been rather positive, I realized that falling into a “save him” relationship isn’t something I’m looking for at this point in my life. Hmm. But then… I probably need some saving as well…. And he probably could be someone, although fucked up himself, could comfort me…. But back to b) I had an overwhelming feeling that things just wouldn’t work out – that things with him would be too complicated, and I am tired of complicated… so b) it would be okay if I got ditched by him.... and even though I was and am okay with b), I still, in the back of my head, thought I had a).

The sex was great. He had one of those mirrored closets that I could watch his 6’5” body on top of me rapidly moving in and out of me. His body was made to fuck. His long arms could reach around and fondle any part of my body while still keeping a steady in n’ out. His pussy eating ability was impeccable. No instruction was necessary. We found ourselves intertwined in crazy positions and just licking and sucking whatever we could get our hands on.

And where do Jesus and I go from here? Well, Saturday night he text messaged me… his tone seemed forlorn. I tried to give him some encouraging words to brighten his mood, but then he didn’t finish what he began. Sunday, I tried calling him to make sure he was doing well… he hasn’t called or emailed since.

So maybe, just maybe, I’ve been ditched already. And I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, I found my head buried in another romance novel (for those of you curious, Judith McNaught is my drug of choice)… it felt like home… safe… drama-free…

But still, I sometimes wish I weren’t such an extremist – I wish things weren’t only love or hate… and fuck, here is another start and stop… another whirlwind of nothing but two measly dates with too much importance and too much intimacy… and I know I should slow things, but it’s not in my nature… perhaps one day it will work in my favor or perhaps all I’ll have are my romance novels and daydreams, and really, that's fine with me... it's more than fine. :)