Miss Curious' Year "End-In" Review (It'll Take 5 Days To Get Through)

Miss Curious' Thoughtful Pose.

HERE IT IS... THE YEAR "END-IN" REVIEW

January:

- Contemplated dumping DV, but he beat me to the punch, and I was pissed and then suddenly thought he was so fucking great because I always want what I can’t have.

February:

- Downward Spiral, hating everyone and everything.
- Decide I needed to find a new Crazy Doctor to shake the Crazy.
- I chose Dr. Jones from the phone book, so I could say, “Dr. Jones – Dr. Jones” with a Chinese accent as though I was in the movie Indiana Jones.
- He turned out to be cool. Told me to take fish oil to help the depression.
- The regular fish burps ensued.
- Continued to drunk dial DV. Would wake up with every variation of his number except for his actual number under my “dialed calls” log. Sometimes people would answer at 2 in the morning, and I’d ask for him. Surprisingly, they were always nice when they told me I had the wrong number.
- Started the blog to share my horrific bouts of drunkenness.

March:

- Got wasted on an empty stomach. Barfed in the cab all over myself, on my clothes, on my wallet, everywhere. Got home. Stripped. Sat on the bathroom floor barfing in the toilet. Decided it was a wise idea to call DV and tell him I’m dying and want one last fuck. He conceded to a vomiting drunk. Guys are fucking idiots.

April:

- Nixed the fish burps.
- Tried something new.

May:

- This time opened the door of the cab to barf after the Nine Inch Nails concert at the Warfield.
- Started feeling better with new Dr. Jones drugs.
- Thought I’d get “man getting” hair and bleached it. Instead, I killed the hair and got “woman getting” hair.

June:

- To my surprise, it was “man getting” hair. It was the conversation topic The Brother used to come and talk to me.
- The Brother dumped he girlfriend for me. He made it seem they were “hanging out” for a couple months. Try 10 months. I felt like shit.

July:

- My birthday month.
- Things with The Brother are going well.
- End of the month, The Brother starts getting super busy with music.
- My wife Midge files for divorce.

August:

- The hair goes fluorescent red.
- The divorce (please be clear – I’m a woman with a gay cubie-mate pretend wife) starts to get ugly. I’m too fucking sensitive and lash the fuck out when I’m hurt. Basically, I’m lame, and I’d hate me too.

September:

- Despite now having more time to bang, The Brother’s sex drive is still Gone-Zo. This is a problem.
- My feelings for The Brother change in nature. Without sex, I look at him just as a “friend.”

October:

- The Brother and I are Done-Zo. I wasn’t going to be 2nd in every way to music. AND I wasn’t going to be in a sexless relationship.
- I visit my younger “mentally retarded” sister at Yale (they let anyone in).
- Being around ambitious hopeful students makes me reflect on where I was at their age. I suddenly feel awful about myself and sad for them because it’s going to be hard… and I don’t want my sister or any of them to be like me.
- Then I thought I should start to like myself better and where I am better and then maybe I’ll be hopeful for them.

November:

- MySpace Date… unsuccessful.
- Thanksgiving… nothing worth mentioning.

December:

- MySpace Date #2 doesn’t make it out of the gate, Tricked You – Gone-Zo. Trick's on me.
- Dr. Jones’ drugs are working pretty well.
- This time last year, the Downward Spiral began. This year I don’t cry everyday… for no reason.
- Christmas… I get way more than I deserve. I realize that I feel guilty about everything. Guilty that I got what I got. Guilty that my Christmas bonus was half of what it was last year. Guilty that for one minute I was disappointed…. because I have so much and got so much more from my family and friends than I could have ever wanted. And I make myself sick from this guilt. Sick.
- I realize that I can’t keep punishing myself for having what I have. And I can’t keep punishing myself for wanting more. I’ve been given what I’ve been given, and some of it I made for myself. And because there are people that have less – were born into less – I have no choice but to go as far with these things as I can… Go far in the right ways. I owe it to them - I owe it to me.

Yes, so here I am at the year’s end, and yes, I do want to add more color to my wardrobe… but really, I want to be kind. I want to truly work on being a KIND person.

This goal is a balance of altruism and narcissism. I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of Miss Curious’ philosophy on KindNess… but the short of it – it’s a matter of finding patience, empathy and sympathy… realizing that were all in this together and no one’s right and no one’s wrong… and people are the way they are for some reason… and their imperfections and reactions are for whatever reasons. And I can’t fault them or myself for any of it.

And argh:

I have to work on NOT – being so sensitive and lashing out as a result, being jealous, being pessimistic, being despondent and bitter.

I have to – take control of my life… give it the direction that I need. This is my experience here… HERE IN MY HEAD… and I need to be peaceful and share these thoughts and experiences if people want them.

Maybe no one made it to the end of this post. And that’s all good because I’m here at this point of reflection and nonsense and I know what I need to work on and where I’m going… well, sort of… so here I go again.

EXHALE.

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!