I'm So Fucking Loveable!!!

You know a guy’s into you when he agrees to come over to watch The Bachelor. KingKong did just that. I’d warned him about my Nazi neighbor telling him I’d hold the guy off until he escaped… but of course, KingKong had to promise to call the morgue and have them pick me up when he got home safely.

There we were on my bed, and all I wondered was whether or not his cock was really 8 inches or more. But of course I’d never know because we’re “just friends.” I tried to tell him that all my “friends” show me their dicks. He didn’t buy it. So, I tried another angle….

“You should kiss me right now. Just a peck. You know you want to… I mean, how can you resist these squishy lips!??!”

“I’m not going to kiss you. You said we’re just friends, and you’d totally fall in love with me if I did.”

“Not only do all my friends show me their dicks, but they also kiss me… even the girls.”

“I’m not kissing you. At least not while you’re looking.”

“Okay, I changed my mind. I don’t want to kiss anymore.”

Then. He kisses me. He has a beard. Chafe. Soft tongue. Not aggressive. Sweet. Very little movement of the hands. Time Passes. Hands up the shirt. More time passes. He sucks my toes. I liked it. I like it a lot. I had short pants on. He licked the back of my knees. I softly moaned. Whoow. Hmm. The pants stayed on.

Basically, all this happened, so I could see his dick. Having loosened (rather hardened) him up a bit, I asked again.

“Are you going to show me your dick yet? I am NOT going to touch it with any part of my body. I just simply want to see it.”

He concedes. And he wasn’t lying. His dick is Large. Yes, he has a Large dick. He has this itty bitty body… half the size of me… but his dick is LARGE. Not only is it Large… I’m pretty sure they use his dick to make dildos. The color, the girth, the length, the veins – totally perfect dick.

But then, what does he do!?!?! He sentenced himself to death by trying to put my hand on his dick. Guys need to learn that if you want to turn a girl off in one split second – try and put her hand on your dick. Or even worse --- try to push her head down to suck your dick. Guys have definitely done that to me, and at that moment, everything stops. No kissing. No hugging. Any clothes that may have come off are immediately put back on. It’s over. It’s just so fucking awkward. If I want to suck his dick or give him a hand job, I’ll fucking do it on my own.

Anyway, I got over it because he really is one of those “nice” guys. He’s actually a nice “boy.” He’s 26. I’m 27, which is 37 in guy years. (Please note: I did not do anything to his dick. I told him before he whipped the thing out that I was only going to look at it). I’m pretty sure he’s interested in taking things further – in a relationship sense and the physical sense. I, on the other hand, have told him that I want to be totally casual… that I’m not looking for anything right now… I also told him that I quit having sex, so he has to understand that this isn’t going to get further than making out.

He’s fucking fun as shit to hang out with, but I feel like he’s a buddy more than anything. Last night amidst our heavy petting, I felt like I was with some boy from junior high, and we were “practicing” with each other for the REAL thing… and that’s it… it’s just not the “real thing.” He’s never had a serious relationship… he’s really unsure where he’s going to live – same with me… he’s just YOUNG.

I want a man. A man with broad shoulders who towers over me. A man who will rest his masculine hand on the small of my back and pull me into him… pull me into his warm secure chest. Someone who will set up my electronics and change my light bulbs. A man who looks at me from across the room with a side smirk, and I know how connected he feels to me… and I to him. A man who can take charge in a situation, but know who’s really in charge… me. A man who keeps me on my toes – who is much smarter than I – who can spell just as well.

I don’t want a boy. I don’t know how to handle this situation. I enjoy spending time with him. He’s coming over tonight to hang out and maybe show me his dick again. And I so worry that I’ll break the poor boy – mind and literally body. Should I just stop hanging out with him even though I’ve told him where this isn’t going? Should I stop because I know where he’d like this to go? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

UPDATE ON THE HOUSING SITUATION:

First off – wow to anonymous for slaying my friends… that was sweet! But really, I know they would help… it’s more me not wanting to infringe on their space… not necessarily feeling comfortable enough to escape to their homes. And thanks to the Loyal Readers... I love it!

Last night was quiet. No death threats. No rap. I told my landlord about the situation, and he’s letting me out of my lease early, of course – he has to… so I’m in hot pursuit of a new place. I’m looking in San Francisco first. By the end of this week, beginning of next week, I plan to have a conversation with my current bosses to see what my job security is like…. Business is slow, and I don’ t want to get into some new lease here and everything blow up in my face should I get “let go.” San Diego is very enticing, but the logistics of a move are extremely daunting… I just keep expecting something to happen that will solidify my decision one way or another. I’m going to look at a place tonight. It’s in the Mission where I live now, but the girl who’s showing it lives there now and told me it’s insanely quiet… I explained that’s my numero one concern.

For now – it’s all a big WAIT and SEE!!!! Bleh!