Say No To Shots!!!

I’m still drunk. I took LaSassy out for her belated birthday last night. I can’t remember the last time I was this wasted, oh right… last night. The walk to work this morning was, well… tragic. I tripped several times and unsuccessfully tried to focus on a line in the sidewalk… I should’ve been arrested for walking while intoxicated (a WWI)… I told the office manager we should have a breathalyzer for entry into our work… but then, we both decided no one would get in… that’s why I work here.

Of course I’ve been having a drunk person’s version of deep thoughts this morning…. Like seriously contemplating the derivation of “shortie”… for some odd reason “No Diggity” by Blackstreet was on my iPod… and their use of the word … oh wait… I have to run to the bathroom.

Okay… I’m back.

I knew I shouldn’t drink anymore after my 2 beers at the vegetarian restaurant. Unfortunately, my genetic make-up didn’t allow me to stop… LaSassy and I continued on at Zeitgeist… with the consumption of more alcoholic beverages, I proceeded to talk with several strangers about the merits of NASCAR. I then told them I’d be “that girl” from the bar when they discussed the night before. I told them I understood what I was going to be and that I was quite okay with it… at least I got them to tell me their love stories.

I then went to the bar to get… oh… more drinks… and I started chatting with some guy… I wasn’t attracted to him, so conversation was easier to make… I told him I like how a sideways hat looked on him… turns out he was a plain clothes bartender at Zeitgeist… he bought me a shot… that was the end of me.

On our way out, LaSassy and I stopped to talk to Plain Clothes Bartender… he and I proceeded to get into some heated debate because I was eager to introduce him to my attractive friend LaSassy… but then he told me I was an idiot for unveiling my appearance insecurity and that suddenly I was unattractive whereas before he was into me… blah blah blah… who cares… so I’m not into my appearance… boo-hoo… I’m smarter than I am attractive, so guess that means I’m not super hot. But oh well. I believe I smoked half his cigarette… yes, I quit… but having 3 and half cigarettes in 10 months isn’t a addiction… again, who the fuck cares… He then told me his IQ was 142... I told him my IQ was 152… in retrospect, why the fuck did he even bring it up!?!? And then he told me I made it up because how could mine be exactly 10 points better? Are you kidding me? I should have told him he was right… I did make it up – mine’s not that low. Hahaha!

Back to “looks” -- LaSassy then told me to shut the fuck up… that I really need to get over the fact that I’m not into how I look because how I look is apparently, okay.

Since we’re both so fucking brilliant at this point, we continue on to ANOTHER BAR!!! Bad Idea…

Okay I’m back… just took a water break… finally, a good idea.

I always have to win, so I proved LaSassy wrong when I extensively spoke to some guy at that next bar, and all he wanted was to push me off my barstool and talk to LaSassy… she’s cute… she’s much thinner than I… guys like that… I’m a “type”… I have a strong personality…I think I’m totally rad… and I have a “look”… I’m curvy, I have black hair and the pale skin “look”… fine whatever. LaSassy and I continue this debate.

Ultimately, I’d rather be insecure about my looks than insecure about who I am… so who the fuck cares… I know how guys are… blah blah blah… No Issues here… end of debate. I’m just doin’ my “thang”!!!

End of the night!?!

Nope.

I drunk dial Mr. Lost His Mind Christian. He doesn’t pick up. I then call his house phone. Disconnected. He must be married. Why couldn’t I have loved him the way I should have?

Here I am… one of my bosses just walked in… I said a quick, “hi” and turned back around. Whew. I don’t think he noticed. I’m going to order Mexican food now.

THE 10-YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

I want to write about this when I get photos… I couldn’t be more bummed that I forgot my camera. My crush didn’t show up… but I got the scoop on him – he’s married w/ the second brat on the way.

Stories of fake boobs, catty bitches, and Miss Curious' inflated ego are yet to come!!!