Things To Do In Life

When I was a teenager, I made a list of Things To Do In Life. Mr. Lost His Mind Christian found it endearing and stole that along with my favorite nightgown, Kiwi-Strawberry, because it smelled like me. Anyway, I decided to write a list last night of the things I’ve done from that previous list and then create a new one.

I think it’s important to remember what I’ve accomplished. Sometimes I don’t think I’ve done enough… and it’s difficult to feel full, to piece those experiences together and be happy with where I am now… and what I have yet to do.

Things From My Teenage “To Do In Life” List That I Actually Have Done:

- Skydive
- Bungee Jump
- Peace Corps
- Study Abroad
- Pursue the field of Entertainment
- Graduate from a top university
-Of Course I don’t have the list anymore, so I can’t recall the others

Things From My New “To Do In Life” List:

- Learn Spanish Fluently (this was on the first list, just haven’t done yet)
- Learn to play the piano (on previous list as well)
- Live abroad again for at least 6 months
- Travel to: Greece, South Africa, back to Ukraine and my small village there, South America (Peru or Brazil, my mom lived many years in Peru), and Japan
- Write a novella… like Shop Girl
- Meet Trent Reznor
- Find a profession in which I’m passionate
- Own my own home

The depressing part about writing my list last night was the fact that it wasn’t written with fervor as my teenage one had been. In fact, it took me a while to even think of one. Sure I want to see as much of the world as I can, but the same passion/drive I once had was no longer there. So fucking sad. How does one get that back?

I was also wondering if I should put grad school in psychology on there. But then, I realized I’m still on the fence about it. This is what I’m debating:

Positives:

1. I have an innate sense of philanthropy… perhaps that’s not the best word… hmm, just genuinely want to help others.
2. A great fascination as to why people are the way they are and is it possible for people to truly change their nature?
3. I can be self-employed
4. It’s a job one can do until she’s 70 because the older one is the more revered she is in her profession… not like most professions where employers want young blood.

Negatives:

1. Debt… forever... and I'm not going to be making nearly as much as the law and business school kids who will actually get to pay their debts back in a relatively timely manner.
2. No real co-workers or colleagues… kind of a lone profession.
3. I’d be tied down to my patients… my dad’s a psychiatrist and mental health patients are often intensely needy and can’t stand if he’s gone… I know this because I worked in his office during my summers.
4. I have to go back to school, frightening
5. I have to worry about the fucking GRE, bleh!
6. I might not even get in!??!?!

Eh… I just don’t know. I’m hopefully going to talk to this guy who started this year and see how he likes his program.

Monday Night Dice:

LaSassy always tells me I set up too many rules… that I’m so all or nothing about everything. She’s right… but I have to set boundaries… especially when it comes to crushes. Over the weekend, I had a good conversation with a self-proclaimed drunkard and what he had to say actually made sense. Don’t ask me what he said ‘cuz I was stoned and can’t remember, but I do remember being left with a feeling of contentment.

I genuinely left feeling like it didn’t really matter if iBartender wasn’t into me. I suppose that’s why I started writing my list of things to do in life again. I need to remind myself of how independent I am… of how I like who I am and how I am. I need to remind myself to have total respect in the woman that I am. I don’t need to feast on those crumbs iBartender may throw me.

He does his flirtatious little shit and loves having many women and men drool over his charm. That’s just not respectable. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it for his own selfish purposes. I’ve seen him in action for over a year now… and like I said before I didn’t think I’d genuinely fall for it… now I have, and I feel like a chump. I need to continue seeing right through him. He’s not getting love from somewhere, and it’s kinda’ sad.

I have to remind myself that I am a petty little Monday Night thing to him… and not that I’m petty, not at all… just that he has no idea who I am… and that’s fine… he’s not going to take the time... and I've made so much more of this than it ever should be or should have been, and that's so fucking silly of me… and tonight, in some indirect way, I will tell him that I understand who I am to him – which is not much – and that I’m going to bow out gracefully… with my self-respect in tact… and continue to be the strong woman that I am.

And oh, I do remember the self-proclaimed drunkard telling me I wasn't open to love. I don't think this is true. Hm. Is it?