The Sex Lives of Others

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had many conversations about the sex lives of others. Most recently, a friend told me that her boyfriend never went down on her. They’d been together in total for about 2 years. She said he was always begging her to do it, but that she felt self-conscious. When it comes to oral, I’m finding that this “self-conscious” feeling is more common amongst women than I had ever expected.

Others haven’t given their boyfriends blow-jobs in years. Some hardly ever have sex. The only relatively active couple I know have been hindered by some unfortunate female health troubles, which significantly diminished her sex drive as well as their general ability to even have sex.

How many times a week is considered normal? Most people I know have sex once a week. Sometimes twice.

Why is it that all these men are just taking what they can get? Pussy-whipped. Perhaps they simply feel glad they’re getting laid at all?

What happened to partners wanting to please one another? If it makes one’s boyfriend happy to get a blow-job, why wouldn’t one want to give it to him? It doesn’t have to be every night, but it’s a nice intimate thing to do.

It just seems that so many couples are lackluster about sex.

And it’s amazing that men and women have such a huge disparity in sex drives. I can reason everything back to the hunter – gatherer times and overall propagation of the species, but in the ways we evolved, there are still some pieces that don’t quite fit together.

It’s so interesting to me that every couple has this secret sex life wrought with issues that are perhaps reflections of how the relationship is really going or where a person is in his or her head… and then, how does the other partner react to the other’s low libido or high libido… or likes and dislikes --- if your favorite thing is oral, but your partner won’t perform or if you’re into porn and he or she isn’t… so on and so forth. What’s too much of a compromise?

But of course, I’m sure there are a lot of happy sex lives out there… I just have yet to meet those people, hahahaha!

BOYS:

I saw iBartender last night. He asked if I’d gone to an SF music festival… that he wondered if he’d bump into me. I often wonder if guys from the past ever think about me. I told him that when I hear certain songs, I still think of him. He then gave me my drinks for free, which was a nice gesture.

Fortunately, those feelings I once had for him are long gone.

Speaking of feelings that are long gone, Obsession is nowhere on my radar. Ever since he cheated on his girlfriend with me (unbeknownst to me and upon discovering I kicked his ass OUT!), I haven’t really thought so highly of him. It wasn’t just cheating with me that lowered my regard for him, but it's also that he justifies doing it on a regular basis, even saying, “I haven’t met a girl who makes me want to be faithful,” as though it’s her fault. He also did the, “my relationship with her really is over anyway. By June 1st, she’ll be gone.”

Then, that was not the case. They are still together, and according to my other bartender friend there, he is still cheating! No respect. He’s like 33/34. He should know better.

It’s discovering things like this about dudes that makes you appreciate the really good ones, like Bam. But then, Bam doesn’t want me.

Pity Party

My job is so slow that i just watched a full episode of The Hills on my computer. Oh my god. I like to work. Sheesh.

With all of this time on my hands, I should be posting more. Oops.

THE LATEST:

Since I'm weak as fuck, I decided to email Bam last Wednesday. Yes, after only a week and a half. Of course we jumped right back into emailing, and he even called me that night saying, "finally you decided to email me."

He missed me. Hahaha!

The email has tapered off a bit, which is good... and bad. Bad because even still all I want to do is talk to him.

He makes me laugh incessantly. He has such a sharp wit, and I love a good kick in the ass. He's the first dude in ages, well, hmm, maybe ever that's been able to take my uber-sarcastic personality... and dish shit right back to me.

Erghhh. Oh well.

Why oh why do I do things that are oh so bad for me?

Meanwhile, I'm wallowing in my own self-pity about work. I really need to get off my ass and take the job hunt by the horns. Grrrrr!!!

Hot Sweat

I keep replaying my physical interactions with Bam in my head. There’s a particular instance I visualize again and again, and it’s the oddest thing to me. I suppose we can analyze all the animalistic reasons why it turns me on, but anyway, I guess I’ll just come right out and say it.

While he was on top of me, propped up by his arms, and banging away, I noticed a droplet of sweat running from his underarm and down his torso. And that’s it. That’s what I keep picturing. For some reason that moment of sweat was just HOT to me. I’ve had crazy-sweaty sex before, sure, but there was something about his force and this sweet escape of manliness running down his body.

It’s such a simple little thing that gets me going. Weird!

My feelings for Bam are certainly dissipating. I’m starting to finally accept that it’s completely over.

When these little fleeting relationships end or any relationship for that matter, I always think back to the beginning… the beginning as in the day you first met.

For instance, my first love lived in my dorms my freshman year in college. I’d heard things about him here and there, but never gave it any thought. He swam for Cal and had bleached blond hair, the perfect tan, and a tight body with a frickin’ hundred pack stomach. It seemed like he was into himself and seemed like your run of the mill jock.

It’d be funny to go back to those moments of passing him in the dining hall and say to him, “3 years from now, we’re going to fall in love. I’m going to realize that you’re actually a genius. You’re going to visit me in Ukraine during the Peace Corps, and then we’re going to have a tumultuous, unconventional relationship for the next couple of years. We’re going to hurt one another deeply, but we will also love each other deeply. By the time I’m 29, you will be the only person I will have ever truly been IN love with.”

I remember the first time my co-worker mentioned his friend Bam. He said that I HAD to meet him. He said that Bam and I would be perfect for each other. I remember looking at his MySpace photos. And if I went back to that moment and looked at those pictures, it’d be crazy to say to myself, “you’re the guy who’s going to fuck me a hundred times, think he’s almost in love with me, break-up with me after a month only to get back together with me two days later, and then you’ll break my heart again a month after that… and then, I’m going to think about your droplet of sweat for the month following that.”

Funny how things work out.


In other news, my job is still up in the air. What oh what am I going to do next? I’ve been at my current job for almost 5 years now. Changing jobs is going to be huge. I LOVE my bosses and my co-workers. Plus, what kind of position can I get where there is actually upward mobility? What do I even want to do? And when did life become so complicated?

I thought I’d grow up and have some profession that defined me. The job situation is clouding my head. I know I have to do something different. I know I need change, but it’s so frickin’ daunting. Eeks. An impending career change / change in how the majority of my waking hours are spent couldn’t be more freaky. (of course, I always have to reiterate… my problems are nothing compared to the woes of our world… I have to remind myself that I am so very lucky that I even have a job) Anyway.

UPCOMING SHOWS:

Okkervil River (just saw last week)
Wolf Parade
Editors
Medeski, Scofield, Martin, and Wood
Cat Power (maybe)
Ladytron (maybe)
The Cure
Interpol Tori Amos (2 nights, woo-hoo! And oh, crazy)

We're Not Alone

Reading Pink is the New Blog, I stumbled upon this quote from Nicole Kidman/Vanity Fair.

She admits she was "lonely" when she met Urban and tells of being alone after winning her best actress Oscar for The Hours. "You're in a hotel and you're like, 'Okay, well, I'm sitting in this big suite with an Oscar and I still don't have a life - what is wrong with me? Who do I jump on the bed with, and celebrate with, and order pancakes with?' That was painful, not having that person to share it with." Of Urban, 39, she adds: "I would probably say that two very lonely people managed to meet at a time when they could open themselves to each other. We were a mixture of frightened and brave."

Here she is, this beautiful woman with a successful career, two adopted children, and years of travel, events, attention… things we all dream about… and yet, all of that meant nothing when she was alone. None of those life experiences could complete her.

I don’t understand.

Miss Curious and Optimism in the Dating World... It's true

He even has a name that screams fling. You know, one of those latin lover names like Flavio or Antonio, except he’s not actually latin. He’s the type of guy who looks you straight in the eye when he introduces himself, but then, quickly and shamelessly looks you up and down.

There’s nothing like a fling to get you over some punk-ass fleeting ex-boyfriend.

Okay, so I haven’t really had a fling yet, but I certainly have a potential fling in the wings.

Last Wednesday after Bam told me “more than friends” was never going to be an option, I decided to cease communication (not informing him of my decision... simply ceasing). Of course, that night I received 2 phone calls from him. The next morning I got a “where are you?” type email. One phone call that night. Friday morning came the “I hope you’re okay, Miss Curious. I am getting worried,” type email.

I finally decided to reply. I simply told him that I needed space… that emailing all day, everyday was not conducive to moving on.

Of course my email was not without one scathing remark. I did a PS which highlighted the fact that he had done the same thing to me (cut-off communication) on two occasions and at that time he had been boyfriend.

He apologized and told me he understood my need for space. He also said that he was there for me however I needed him and that he has all this respect for me and shit… whatever, he thinks I’m fabulous, but couldn’t be with me?

Why couldn’t he? Why didn’t he like me back the way that I liked him? I really thought he did… the things he said… the way he worried so much about me… the way he freaked-out if I was out of touch for a minute. I just don’t understand. Not at all. Where did it go wrong?

Blah. Guess he needs a girl not a woman.

Anyway, that communication went down on Friday. I got off work early. It was beautiful day in San Francisco, so I met some friends at a bar.

Perusing the patio, I came upon a dude I recognized from a business around the corner from my house. We’d flirted once ages ago. I didn’t even know his name. I was mildly attracted to him. He was in the bathroom line. I was buzzed, so I decided to get my ass in line behind him. Oh silly girl trick.

But then, the bathrooms opened up as soon as I got there, and I didn’t even see his face.

Oh well.

I bumped into some other dudes I knew. Chatted with people here and there.

Then I got up to go to the bathroom and low and behold who walks up right behind me??? That’s right Antonio (let’s call him – it’s not his real name, of course). We both said hello. Introduced ourselves.

After the bathroom, we walked up to the bar together and had some hard-core flirting. I mean, there was no question whether it was friendly conversation or flirting… it was on the verge of sleazy… everything I did or said was “sexy.”

Such as answering my age… he’d be “oooh, that’s sexy.” Or, mentioning my heritage, “oooh, that’s sexy.”

Luckily, his “oh sexy’s” were compensated by an expansive vocabulary and a sharp wit… and comments that were anything but humble, and I love arrogance – well, at first.

Then, he asked for my number a hundred times. We finally exchanged numbers. He said he’d call later that night (meaning 10ish – we started drinking early) so we could smoke and cuddle seeing as I made it clear there would be NO fooling around. NONE. Not interested I told him. He said fine... yeah sure.

Did I mention he lives on the next block from my house? Um, the perfect fling situation.

Well, he didn’t call. That was Friday night.

Sunday, I bumped into him at his place of business. For discretionary purposes, I’m not going to get into where he works, but even if I go there during his working hours, it’s likely I could never even see him.

He looked me up and down. Commented on my small feet… again… odd. Then he proceeded to ask me, “when are you going to call me? You have my number, right?”

He keeps asking me to call. Even Friday night, “you’ll call me right?!” call me - call me - call me.

I told him, “whatever… you call me.” Classic lame flirtatious behavior of who will call who first.

That night I left him a message since I didn’t work on Monday and because it would be our last chance for “cuddling” and smoking for the next 2 weeks (I have guests).

He called back a couple hours later. I was baked and didn’t pick up.

That’s where our story ends.

Nothing spectacular, but something very important – Every time I stop dating someone, I have this fatalistic outlook… like I’m never going to meet anyone ever again… and it’s the end of dating for me. How – where – when will I ever meet someone?!?!

Moral of the story – this isn’t about Antonio, he’s not my type. This story means that you never know where you’ll meet someone… things happen… the world works in mysterious ways (as that cliche goes)… I needed a pick-me-up, and the universe gave me a sort of reassurance of things. Seems like a silly thing, but I’d been bummin’ about boys, well amongst other things, and it was nice to have a quick distraction… and perhaps a promise of someone else… someone better in the future… or maybe that someone better will just be me. :-)


JUST IN:

As I mentioned above, I told Bam to please give me some space right now, and that I’ll give him a shout when my feelings subsided. He told me to take the time I need, and he’ll be ready to communicate when I am.

Soooo, who’d I just get an email from!?!?! BAM.

Just asking how I am… wondering about my job status… telling me what he did over the weekend… asking what I did.

What!?!?! I'm can't reply.