NO (head toss) NO (head toss) NO (head toss)

My keys and a plastic bag were stuck to my naked body this morning. When I was able to peel my eyes open and get out of bed, I followed a trail of toilet paper (what the fuck?) and clothes to the bathroom. The toilet seat was up from an evening up-chuck. The sight of myself in the mirror was frightening as shit, but of course not as frightening as the flashbacks from the night before... Remembering the pieces of a drunken evening has that whole "car wreck" effect... you know, where you want to look, but don't want to look... and when you do look, you cringe, look away and then look back again.

Arriving at Cheers last night, I noticed the absence of Lick My Face :( ... But, my favorite ex-call girl was there and so was Obsession. Ex-Call Girl is like the boys, she gives me free drinks too. I also knew I could get the dish on Lick My Face from her... What does she say about him!??!

"He's kind of a dipshit."

"What do you mean dipshit?"

"He tries to be all clever... and I can smell fear on him... I think he's afraid of me."

"Hmm. Do you think he's just intimidated by your total 'hotness' and says lame things? Could he grow on you?" Please note that Lick My Face is new to Cheers, so everyone there is still getting to know him.

Ex-Call Girl grins, "Yeah, he could grow on me..." and she winks.

Needless to say... all of this is meaningless. End of story there... guess I'll just wait and see how he is the next time I see him, but of course, his image is slightly tainted 'cuz my Girl hasn't warmed up to him yet. Anyway, Ex-Call Girl likes to have me try out her concoctions... drinks that taste like chocolate cake and apples (not together of course)... and I'm a willing participant. However, my participation was too good last night.

My friend left the bar, and I thought it was a great idea for me to just stay... yes, stay at the bar all by myself. I know guys do this plenty, but I have never just stayed at a bar alone (that I can remember, at least!)... and I kept drinking. Here's where the story takes a turn for the worse... this is where I cringe and shake my head back and forth saying, "NO NO NO!!!"

I for some reason thought it'd be good idea for Obsession to come outside and talk to me as I'm leaving. He walks me out, and I start talking about my pathetic lows that people don't really give two shits about – and I thought I was over giving two shits about ‘em... and then, of all things I start CRYING... EWWWW EW EW... fucking crying!??!? Tears... Tears in PUBLIC...

Tears in front of Obsession!!!! and I was crying and blabbering on and on about bullshit I can't even remember... bullshit that has nothing to do with anything... I apparently missed embarrassing myself around him and had to take that level of embarrassment to its highest!!!!

Oh my GOD... I am embarrassed beyond belief. How long do I have to wait before I can show my face around there again?!?!? What Would Jesus Do? (there's my shout out to Mr. Lost His Mind)

Oh wait… I forgot my coat there.

CONCLUSION: since I wrote the above post, I’ve had my conclusion.

When I informed Midge of the whole, “crying in public – worse crying in front of Obsession,” he commented that men love when women cry in front of them… the damsel in distress bit…

I brushed this off.

Then, my mom later called, and for some reason we got on the topic of men… I didn’t mention anything about my embarrassing bout of crying… nor anything about my night in general… it was just a totally separate conversation of her probably feeling like she had to give me a motherly advice on a how to catch a man – as though it’s really my fucking priority right now.

“Miss Curious… after I divorced your father (I was 1), I read some books on relationships… men love when women cry in front of them… it makes them feel more masculine… they think it’s ‘sweet’ and that they’re proud they can be strong and help this itty bitty girl crying on the playground… don’t tell your dad (step dad) that I do this on occasion to make him feel better about himself” --- again, my mom had NO IDEA that I had cried in front of this boy.

I brushed off both their comments, thinking it was a crock of shit… and I hate crying in front of anybody. To me it’s worse than farting in front of Obsession.

So, I go to the bar to get my coat. There’s Obsession with a big grin on his face. Ex-Call Girl says hello and tells me she’s going to grab my coat.

“Hey Obsession… sorry about last night… you must think I’m a complete dumbass… and you’re right… hahaha… no, I swear I’m normal… it’s just that you see me here when I drink and I do all these stupid things, but I promise I’m actually stable as people can even be… hahaha… that must sound ridiculous.”

“Look Miss Curious… you see me here at work… sober and in work mode. You haven’t seen me get wasted and do stupid shit… because I often do. You have no idea. You have nothing to worry about. I know you.”

Slightly relieved, I say, “that’s nice of you to say… but I just know that I always do crazy shit here.”

He shakes his head with a big grin.

Ex-Call Girl comes back with my coat. She mentions that I didn’t seem drunk the night before – that it must have hit me when I left (yeah, it fucking did – right outside the front door)… I again, felt relieved that she hadn’t noticed.

Then Obsession walks me out. He looks like he’s about to kiss me on the lips, and I have that sudden, “oh shit” feeling… I turn my head, he squeezes me and gives me a big kiss on the cheek. He has this proud face like he was so fucking pleased that I’d cried in front of him… and now I was somehow more real… more vulnerable… and that I showed that side to him… and he did comfort me… his words were trying to make me feel better – less silly – like he had to show me that he’s tripped, so I’d feel better about my fall… and the hug did make me feel safe.

Me and Rainbow Hung-Over w/ my "are you fucking kidding me" Face