Of Course I Want to go to Hell, All my Friends and Family Are Going to be There!!!

With the living situation shot... job situation shot... significant other gay wife "Midge" leaving... last month I was hit with yet another pretty big blow, and I still haven't made sense of it, which is why I haven't written a thing about it... Here's the backstory: My first love, well the only man I've ever really loved, and I have been through many ups and downs over the past 6 years... I have always claimed that he knows me better than anyone w/ a close second being Midge... and I thought I knew him just as well as I knew myself... He and I speak a couple times a month... he was my "if we're not married by 35, let's get married" guy... at my lowest moments, he is the person I call who I knew would always understand and reassure me... he always made me feel less alone in the world... last month he dropped a bomb on me... he tells me he's been dating a girl from his work for a week, and she's "the One"... they've been friends for about 2 years, and I'd heard about her a few times... but he never pursued it because he'd ended the pursuit of love after me... and could never be a boyfriend or a husband and would never want to bring children into the world............ The surprising part is not the engagement --- it's that he's suddenly Christian!!! This would be like me, Miss Curious, suddenly posting that I of all people am a devout / born again Christian... I now feel like i've completely lost him... I feel like he's dead... I can't run to him anymore... and I wonder how in the world he never said anything over the past 2 years that would lead me to believe he was a Christian -- I mean -- I am stunned beyond belief -- He and I are close - Were close, rather... very close... as deep as connections go... and suddenly, it's all been shattered -- it's like finding out that your dad you've put on a pedastal for 18 years has been cheating on your stepmom for a 11 years and put her in the hospital a couple of times... i mean holy fucking shit -- how do you know people anymore?!?!? And no no no - not what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (sorry Green Eyes)... what doesn't kill you makes you more bitter -- makes you close yourself off to others even more -- makes you callous -- breaks your trust... nothing good in that... where are all the lessons of how people are lovely and amazing!??!! Anyway, below are just a couple of emails back and forth... there were a few emails i sent with quotes from different religions and things I learned from religious study classes at berkeley about sources of the bible... and of course, the knowledge I learned from going to church for 10 years of my life and being in the choir and being an acolyte and having perfect attendance at sunday school... anyway -- i'm sure we all know to never have the religion conversation, but i did send him a million emails about facts - and reason because he was always one of the most reasonable intelligent men i'd ever know... now he's lost all logic - all reason!!! This has been sooooooo hard for me... actually, out of everything, it's been one of the most difficult things recently for me to swallow... tears... yes, many tears.

MiSS CuriouS:

first off, congratulations on your engagement... i'm sure she's a very nice woman, who means well. i'd like to send you a toaster for your wedding, so you'll have to give me the info.
soooo --- i understand that you are living in a place where you don't have anyone to talk to... you never really had anyone who truly understood you... and i thought i understood you well enough until all of this... and so there you are, in this town, with no one to talk to - not even your family - and i'm so far away -- and this sweet young teacher introduces you to what's given her stability and hope and happiness her entire life or for however long (is her family christian? has she thoroughly studied every religion?) and you're looking for something to believe in... you're on your edge and need something more... and so you go to church and these people tell you they want to hear what you have to say... and they give you their icons to worship and their songs to sing... and now you have this "virtuous" woman along with her religion who will make you feel less alone in the world.... and there you are -- a christian.

and i can understand all of that just fine... i can even appreciate those needs and finding something to believe in... but what i can't understand is finding something to believe in that makes one say that they're right and everyone else is wrong... and that you feel sorry for all those wrong people because although they live a beautiful caring life, they're still going to hell?
that's a hard pill for me to swallow. because i try to be a good person, but according to you (a person i thought i knew so well) believes that i'm going to be eternally damned. that's hard karl. that is judgement. your religion is all about judgement and vanity. and i can't understand how anyone who is well educated and reasonable (as i thought you were) can believe in the words of the bible.

again, this doesn't mean that i don't still care about you and want to know how you are, but there has been a line drawn between the two of us... a huge line... and it saddens me greatly. this makes you into an entirely different person. but i know, like your fiance, you mean well... i know you have a good heart... but i don't believe we can ever truly understand one another... i know that we'll never be able to go to the other in times of despair... you certainly have someone you can now go to, which is i'm sure, part of the reason for such a drastic change, but you're gone for me.... i don't have that friend in you anymore -- and it breaks my heart.

Mr. Lost His Mind:

this is either meaningful or it isn't. you've chosen to make it all pointless, and in that we've parted ways.

"for judgment is without mercy for those who show no mercy. mercy triumphs over judgment" that's straight out of the new testament in the chapter of james. there is a gap between cultural christianity and that of the bible. i have studied the majority of religions from zorastrianism, buddhism, taoism, islam, judaism... you name it... and i have come to this conclusion independent of her. i made my decision before i had even met her, april. this... process.. began a long time ago... she is the one that god has for me here and now.

culture. people. those are the rudimentary facets of evil. your depression. who you are.. who i am.. is not the way it should be... it is not relative. there are absolutes. we either have meaning or we don't. just tell me one thing april. does your life matter or not? do you have value? do people have value? and if so, where does that stem from? why? if you don't care, then you're lying because i know you that much despite this purported disconnect you claim.. this.. bifurcation.. is not between you and me.. but between you and god. (oh no you dit'nt!!!)

MiSS CuriouS:

you should hear me over here -- all my blasphemous comments i'm making... I'm not an athiest -- nor do i choose to categorize myself into anything organized or anything that can be named.... i just am... i do believe in something greater than what we can see or understand... but i'm not going to begin to fathom it because it's beyond my realm of comprehension... i'm not going to try and use icons that men before me have conjured up just so i can have something that my two eyes and human brain can understand – men who thought the world was flat and we were the center... it is difficult not having a name or set of rules all mapped out... some checklist of the way i have to be -- all laid out nice and prettily for me... oh so easy to just accept and have all this nonesense make sense.

instead, i follow my heart... i follow what allows me to sleep well at night... and although there are some nights that have been difficult to fall asleep... i try to make it possible for me to sleep once again.

and yes, i'm here... and from what i can physically - mentally comprehend based on our 1 dimensional understanding, i do not have any knowledge of purpose... all i've seen with my own two eyes is people merely propogating... survival of the fittest for reasons i cannot begin to understand. i see no reason whatsoever for society to continue on... based on reason, i do believe that one day humans will become extinct just like the dinosaurs -- by the way, where are the dinosaurs in the bible? what is christianity take on the dinosaurs? man wasn't ruling over them... man wasn't even around... but surely Jesus must have known all about their purpose - so tell me, what was their purpose?

so if i think there is no reason that society should continue to exist, then that should answer your "value of life" question. now that i am here, again with no choice, i have come to care about the people around me... and i do not care to cause harm to others... it's typically unintentional and inevitable. and i do not think life is easy. i do not feel like i have more good days then bad days.

if given the choice, i would not wish to have been born. and perhaps that sounds depressing to you, but it seems reasonable, again based on what i can understand with a human brain.
so what are we all here for? why have man? why have society continue? why were the rules set up the way they were? why do we have to know wrong to know right? god could have set the rules up much differently. you can give me answers that are 1 dimensional. that's all you can do.

like the buddhists say, i have to accept not knowing the answers. that's all i can do. while i'm here, i just do the best that i can.

to address "judgement" - judgements are opinions... you are not without opinion... christianity is not without opinion... that one line in the bible can say whatever it wants to say, but your opinion is that i will go to hell if i don't accept jesus as having died for my sins. that is a judgement. you probably think it's a fact. and will reject my argument.
so if you believe that line, then you must believe all the others like i addressed in my first email to you... you must believe in polygamy, sinful lives being redeemed on one's deathbed, philanthropists being damned for not accepting jesus... and if you believe that line, you should see the evidence of judgement in the actual content of the bible... the actions of judging.
so which do you partake? cultural christianity or that of the bible? you'd be a hypocrite any which way you look at it... why accept some things of the bible and not others? although there are a lot of stories for interpretations, somethings are very clear... men being able to do whatever they want and owning their wives -- and many wives is acceptable... THAT is very CLEAR!!

that split (this bifurcation) is most definitely between YOU and ME... and not between me and god... not at all... because i believe my truth just as much as you believe yours. and i hate having the religion conversation because neither side will ever budge, but i'm so stunned that you've completely traded in your beliefs. you've after 20 something years just suddenly decided to take someone else's truths as your own. can't you come up with those on your own?

---- AND NOT ALL OF THIS POST MAKES SENSE OR IS PUT TOGETHER... BUT ALL OF THIS IS SOOO MIXED UP FOR ME RIGHT NOW... AND I DON'T MEAN TO BE SOME DRAMA QUEEN BECAUSE THIS BLOG ALWAYS MAKES ME SEEM AS THOUGH I HAVE SOME GRANDIOSE IDEA OF WHO I AM, BUT I KNOW I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE... I KNOW I'M NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE... BUT I HURT SOMETIMES... AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND THINGS SOMETIMES... AND I'M JUST HERE.