Just Another Day...

Labor Day Weekend, coinciding with my return from Mexico, marked a mental transition for me… from light to dark… the summer was a wonderful one… plenty of sun and shows… now I have plenty of sun and shows, but there’s just something different… the impending dark days perhaps… spending the light hours cooped up in an office where my only view of the outside is 10 cubicles away through cracked blinds. My trip to Boston and London and Christmas on the horizon can’t seem to raise my spirits.

There’s just this sadness that’s overcome me. I don’t quite know how to lift myself out… I don’t know why there’s such a distinct shift in my mood from the few summer months. This entire month has left me feeling just sad. And I have this grad school plan and all these things I have to be happy about… and have direction now… but shit, I just – I just don’t know.

I don’t even want to write in this blog. I just want to quit… I just want to sit in my chair at home and stare out the window. I miss my family. I miss Midge.

I have this mind… this afflicted mind… a mind that’s perpetually spinning… spinning… “I’ve got to stop spinning… thought I was over the bridge.” – tori amos… It’s why I fall asleep with my headphones on night after night. Escapism. And I wonder, how other people are in their minds. Do they suffer from this neurosis?

Here I am stuck in this mire…

And it’s like clockwork… I feel lonely and disconnected and then I get pissed at myself for even complaining… for ever wanting more… how can I ask for more?!?! I just want to smoke weed to make this go away, but lately even that hasn’t helped… it was great over the summer because I felt great. This summer I felt better than I have in very – very long time. God, I'm just the lamest fucking girl sometimes... and maybe in a week i'll snap outta' this and wonder what i was thinking... shit.

Perhaps because right before Labor Day, I was here…


(What's important in this beach scene is what's missing... people and hotels... our private beach)


(this was our private pool)

I woke up every morning and put my bathing suit on, pulled my hair back, and walked around without shoes… living with such fluidity between the sun and the water… so peaceful… and when I came back, I had a show the next night, but I wasn’t excited, and during the show, I noticed that I wasn't even into it.

I just want to fucking punch myself in the goddamn face for writing any of this… for whining over the same shit.


TONIGHT - NEWS - NEWS - NEWS: I have Medeski, Martin, and Wood…. 2 people will be there… 5th Paragraph, to whom I have no qualms about making some scathing remark… and then, Nice Guy (a work colleague)… I haven’t met him face to face, and I just don’t feel like it… I just don’t want the bother… I certainly don’t want to meet face to face at a show. He’s so sweet – it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my ridiculousness. And then, the entire reason I know this band is because of Mr. Lost His Mind Christian. Going to that show was one of our best times together.

I had nightmares about the show last night. Nightmares that I’d run into both boys… that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the music and my high… that I couldn’t escape from that which makes me uncomfortable. Luckily The Fillmore is a larger venue… hopefully, I can hide in the crowd… and yes, I will be there ALONE… my only friend who knows them decided against going… and I go to plenty of shows ALONE, but this is the first time where I’ll actually notice that I am, ALONE.

Stayed Tuned for Tomorrow’s Post – Will I See One or Both or None… or will my heart hurt with the loss of Mr. Lost His Mind Christian?