Guess I Was Always Nuts, Awesome!

As I was sitting on my floor listening to the new Tori Amos album, I stumbled upon an old journal of mine. Since it was fucking hilarious to read, I decided to rummage around for some others.

Here are a couple of random entries... I hadn't realized I was such a depressing individual... But then, one writes more during those moments of sadness, so really, I was probably super stoked all the time - LET'S CALL THESE RANDOM BOUTS OF STUPIDITY (well, just the depressing majority):

August 30th, 1994

Lollapalooza was amazing! I have never felt so free! So willing to do whatever my mind and body ever felt! It was as though I lived one night in my life where I didn't worry about society or about the problems I carry around. I felt like a completely different person. Almost as though my true inner self was released for one night.

(THIS EXPLAINS WHY I'M A MUSIC/CONCERT GOING ADDICT)

December 1st, 2001

Sometimes you wonder where you stumbled only to find yourself amidst a truth you wish you hadn't found. You know you'd give anything to go back to the place you were before.

Here you are 23, a college graduate if that even means anything anymore, and you're on this precipice before the rest of your life. You suddenly realize, only now, that every moment up to this point has been your life. That even at this very moment you exist. This is it. This is your life. Sure you have a great job, a great family, wonderful friends, food, shelter, but what next? What now? You've spent every second of every day preparing to live - to live that life where you're so caught up in the living that you don't even realize you're alive. That all the distractions society provides actually work.

What happens when they don't? Where instead you find yourself acutely aware of existence. You look around wondering if others see life through your same eyes. We're all put here on Earth - given consciousness - & just have to live - to make it to the end whenever that may be.

We're given minds that ask all the questions & hearts that long for the answers - but we're given no means to resolve them.

Every morning we continue to wake-up & live that day - we shop, we eat, we gossip - we do whatever it takes not to have any real thoughts.

Tell me I'm pessimistic - tell me to appreciate the taste of a raisin - tell me love makes the world go 'round - I want the distractions - I want your religious answers - I want your peace of mind - I want to be a cow grazing in the fields.

(OH MY FUCKING GOD... MISS CURIOUS - YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!!! YAWN!)

November 17th, 2003

I wish I liked this pen more... oh well... Hmm... so here I sit at Logan airport - my eyes are dry & heavy. I'm 25? Look at me - legs Indian style, converse with rainbow striped socks, headphones, and bad hair... aren't I supposed to be more sophisticated, refined? More of something I'm not?

I always thought It'd be that way... that one day I'd wake up with something more - living something more - more than this.

Quotes From Isolation In Ukraine 2000-2001:

"Maybe one day I will dance again."
One Day, The Verve

"I disagree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."
- I believe this is Voltaire

"Man, what is man? He's just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur."
- Ayn Rand

HIGH SCHOOL TO DO LIST:

1996

1. Clean fish bowl
2. Red Hot Thighs' present
3. Shopping? Layout? (I ACTUALLY WROTE LAYOUT ON A TO DO LIST?)
4. Father's Day?
5. Pack 4 Berkeley
6. Mail Br*&'s B-Day gift at Mail Boxes etc. (I ACTUALLY WROTE WHERE TO MAIL IT?)

COLLEGE TO DO LIST:

1. Clean - Room, bathrooms, vacuum
2. Call - a bunch a people
3. Buy - shoes
4. Remind R&*$y (GUY I WAS SEEING AT THE TIME) - bathing suit and not to see Shakespeare in Love

POST-COLLEGIATE TO DO LIST:

1. Pack - Tampons
2. Tape - Sarah M. Carol King Beethoven
3. Dye Hair
4. Shave
5. Ask Mom about hair products, oxy gentle (ZIT CREAM?)

ANYWAY, I SUPPOSE THIS POST IS MORE FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT... BUT THEN, THIS BLOG IS SELFISHLY FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT... MANY APOLOGIES.