The Ghost of Christmas Past

Having tried to get in contact with the ex, Bad Break-Up, has me looking into my past of altercations… past of mistakes… the past of moments I try not to think about because we can’t change our pasts.

And I think about those moments in my life where I’ve argued with people and lost friendships or great love turned into great hate or quit jobs or got drunk and been “THAT girl” that loose canon or friends saying, “that’s just how Miss Curious is”… I know how she is… she’s fucked… she knows she’s fucked and she can’t do a damn thing about it. fuck.

I hate so many things I’ve done and said… and I so badly want to go back to all of those moments and people and say that I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry for wronging anyone… I’m so sorry for not being strong enough to stop myself because I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway… and I’m just so sorry.

As much as I’d like to think things will change - that I’ll be better… I never am… I can see right through myself… I can stand outside of Miss Curious and yell and scream for her to not do that or this, but it never seems to work.

Oh GOD, I’m so fucking predictable. Like right now, because I have no cat to complain about or boy to freak out about, I’ll start looking in all those dark corners to stir up some shit in my life. I didn’t need to open the “Bad Break-Up” door… nope, no need. But I did… I did just to feel something… just to distract my mind from realizing I exist.

And no need to tell me that I have to learn from my mistakes or I’m going to have to live this life a hundred more times until I fucking get it… I don’t fucking care… make me perfect now… this is all bullshit… sometimes I’m just so over myself. Just over it.

Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

- Only, Nine Inch Nails

The Beauty of MySpace:

For those of you who aren’t MySpace savvy, you can send someone a message and see when they’ve read it. Bad Break-Up read my message (see yesterday’s post), and he didn’t respond. And I know he’s probably thinking, “she can’t just email me out of the blue and expect me to jump.” After all, I did tell him to never call me again or I’d call his mom. I just thought maybe we could have a laugh… but it looks like the damage is irreparable. Will I have to live this over again?