Silly Rant

I needed Bam to tell me that we will always be "just friends." I needed him to tell me there was ZERO chance of ever getting back together.

He did.

He said, "the same things will happen again."

I really have to wonder. What same things? I mean, really, where did we go wrong? I feel like we each had our freak-outs as a result of feeling vulnerable and second guessing the other and then lashing out, but really, what were our problems?

I must cease all communication for a little while at least.

Where's my rebound dude?

I need one.

No - no. Too much trouble. I'll choose singledom, for now, hahaha. Being single is not a fate worse than death. It's a good thing. One's free... not waiting by the phone... normal appetite.

I have to remind myself - there will be someone else. There will be someone better.

I hope.


OTHER NEWS:

My job is fucked. My industry's gone bust, and I know I'm going to have to start looking for another job. I've been here for four and a half years. My bosses are surrogate parents. My co-workers are some of my best friends.

I've made ZERO money for years because the people here are worth the thousands of dollars I gave up in other job offers.

My music connection was a dead end road. His company now has him working from home... closed the office. iTunes has taken the world, and a job there is the impossible get. Any jobs in the music industry are impossible gets. Shit.

So what then? What am I going to do now? It seems I won't be leaving this job for something that defines me more. I'll be leaving not by choice.

What am I going to do? Be some random Executive Assistant in some random finance firm and make other peoples' travel arrangements and order lunch for the rest of my life?

I have a useless History degree from Berkeley. I don't want to teach. I don't want to go to Law School. There is no longer anything for which I'd like to go back to school. I wouldn't mind going back to school for some stupid shit, but I have so much goddamn debt that it's not even realistic.

MY RANT CONTINUES:

Of course when work and boys suck ass, I start thinking of all the other things in my life that I'm unhappy with... I have no friend with whom I'm attached at the hip. My ex-wife's in NYC... My sister chose NYC... My BFF moved to NYC... I haven't been in the mood to drink much, and that's what Tall K and I were doing all the time, so now our hangin' out is less.

I'm just having that stupid ridiculous Miss Curious sad and lonely time.



Again, there are so many crazy things that happen in the world that are far more important than these small woes. There are real problems in the world, and mine aren't even a drop in the drop in the bucket. I have to put things into perspective. I have to remind myself that I have so much.

Need the Strength to Stop!

Continuous emails to and from Bam aren't helping the "moving on" process. I'm still hooked. I get all excited when he's in my Inbox. On Friday, I tried to lay off the emails, but he emailed, "you at work today? I'm feeling ignored."

Then, I emailed right away, and he of course, didn't email me back.

I did the, "and now where's my email back?"

Bam, "oh, forgot to reply."

Whatever!!! Oh right, feeling ignored one second and suddenly "forgetting" to reply?!?!

Game playing.

I knew on Friday when I minimized the number of emails that come this week, he'd slow down. Sure enough, he has. That little punk!!!

What are we doing?

The Single Life

I keep having to remind myself that I’m single. Bam and I are not together.

I suppose it doesn’t help to email everyday, all day. Neither of us has changed our MySpace status. We both still have “In a Relationship.” Guess it should probably read “Still Not Over Him.”

These itty-bitty relationships all take a toll. Plus, I’m like Little Miss Intense. I’m your classic when I fall, I fall hard. And when it’s over, I fall even harder. Shitty. While I may be capable of feeling higher highs than most, the downside is, of course, feeling lower lows than most.

This weekend my parents rolled in for a night after a week of camping in Super North Northern California. When they leave, I feel a great absence. It’s like coming back from their house in SoCal where I end up feeling a little more lonely than usual.

Luckily, I had Saturday night plans that consisted of being around a lot of people, so I wouldn’t stay home feeling sorry for my stupid-ass for no good reason.

Saturday night was a friend’s birthday. Everyone was upbeat and pretty much ready to get wasted. (shout out to Toe-Up… hope you know who you are!!!) Anyway, as I was sitting at the bar, a guy actually asked me what my sign was. I mean really. He said, “when’s your birthday?”

Me, “July 7th.”

“Ahhh, you must be a Gemini or a Scorpio?”

“Um, no.”

Then he proceeds to guess every sign, but my sign.

“Cancer,” I finally tell him.

“Oh, that must mean you have a hard shell and are sensitive on the inside.”

Are you fucking kidding me? This is where I tug on LaSassy’s shirt to be rescued. Luckily, she got the hint and pulled me right over.

As I’m minding my own business, the bartender hands me a shot. I’m looking around to see who I’m supposed to be passing it to when he gives me a “know silly, it’s for you, let’s toast” look.

Surprised, I toast him. He walks away.

10 minutes later, he comes back with 2 more shots. One for me and one for my friend… and then, one for him. We toast again. He walks away.

10 minutes later, “hey, how many girls do you have with you?”

I guessed about 7.

He hands me 7 cloth visors with the bar’s name on it.

We all proceeded to put our visors on and took some rad pix.

I swear to jesus, oh my god, do I have something on my forehead that attracts bartenders (and waiters)?!?!?!? I was just so surprised by the bartender. He just seemed to be busily working and paying no attention to me. It was all out of the blue.

I wasn’t attracted to the guy, but he really was a sweetheart. I much appreciated his generosity.

It’s funny. Sometimes I’m so dense. I remember when Obsession (the manager of one of my favorite bars) approached me. It was a Sixteen Candles moment where I’d lusted after him for so long (as Molly Ringwald/Samantha had with Jake Ryan) and when he introduced himself to me and made some comment about me not having been there in a while, I pretty much did the look behind me right – look behind me left – mouth, in my head, “who me?”… I never get it.

Anyway, after a night of dudes looking down my top, I was missing Bam. I don’t hang out at heterosexual bars much anymore… is that where I’m supposed to meet dudes?

Bleh.

I quit.

Again.

Hahaha!


BTW - where the hell did Jake Ryan go after Mermaids?!!! Jesus, he was hunk-a-licious!!! I still wish he were up in his bedroom at that party, slamming his gf's hair in the door, and looking my number up in the yearbook.

Hellooooo folks... sorry for not posting. I've been relatively uninspired as of late. Right now, I'm just layin' low and really enjoying it.

Bam Update:

The "friends" thing is still working out fairly well. We email regularly. Haven't spoken since Sunday, and it's all good. I am so much better OUT of a relationship. Ahhhhhhh, so relaxing. Hahaha. I do think about him often though... and miss him, but I'm feeling cool right now. We shall see.

Anyway - I'll post again on Monday.

Miss Me!

Just Friends... For Now

Yesterday was a beautiful day in San Francisco.

In our attempt to remain "friends", Bam and I decided to go to Ocean Beach. I always feel like a little kid with him. In the sense that we goof off and act silly. It's one of my favorite things about him.

We of course splashed water at each other and kicked up wet sand... the usual flirtatious behavior a boy and girl would have.

After the beach, we drove to another spot and went on a mini-hike to get a better view of the Golden Gate bridge. We stood there like middle school kids shootin' the shit in the backyard of their parents' house... naturally picking up pine cones and throwing them. With him saying, "do you think I can hit that branch?"

He asked if I was glad he brought me there.

I said yes.

We then stared ahead in a peaceful silence.

We didn't discuss our relationship anymore than a general chat about how few people we know in good relationships. And then, we laughed about how shitty we both are at relationships. No rehashing of things - just making fun of ourselves for over-analyzing and having bumps over nothing.

He drove me home. We proceeded to have staring contests in his car until I told him to get out of the car and give me a proper hug good-bye.

It was a lingering hug.

We then shook hands, and he started a thumb war. My midget thumbs were no match for his man hands.

I told him I'd run upstairs and grab his sweatshirt. He told me not to because he knows he'll be seeing me again soon. I smiled.

We hugged again.

He picked his nose and wiped it on me.

I picked my nose, held it out, and told him to eat it. He did.

We hugged again. I almost kissed him. He pulled back. I'm glad he did.

He emailed me this morning telling me what a nice time he had. I felt the same way.

This is the start of a new friendship. And who knows where it may lead.

Missing Him

I miss Bam.

My aunt's been visiting from Massachusetts (my roots), and I've been sleeping in my closet (don't ask).

Tuesday night, I finally got hit hard.

As I lied amongst my beat-up converse with my cheek pressed against my pillow, I stared into the dark abyss of Levis and Gap jeans just thinking. Thinking about what went wrong. When I closed my eyes, a little tear trickled out. Then another. I had to muffle the sounds that followed.

It was hard to sleep that night.

At midnight, Bam sent me a text. I'd left him this horrid voice-mail earlier. My aunt and roommate were in the room. If he'd picked up, I would have left the room. Then, one of the ladies started to laugh, and I started to laugh hysterically. My whole message was me laughing nervously. I mean, like can't breathe laughing with little bouts of noise. I then finished the message by saying, "Wow, this message was really unsuccesful."

I was horrified. The ladies could NOT stop laughing at how ridiculous the message was... like worst case scenario message.

His text said good-night and that he enjoyed hearing my laugh.

He still emails me every morning.

We haven't spoken on the phone for a week and a half.

I miss his voice.

Emails = bad

They keep us both hanging on.

He asked if he could see me this weekend, so he'll be coming over on Sunday. Bad idea, but I can't resist. I'll post all about it on Monday.

It's funny how I have had a reaction of "I need a rebound dude, and I need him now!" But of course, those always seem to turn sour fa-ast! So, here I'll vent my ridiculousness on this blog and leave my hurt and frustration with the dating world right here.

LEIGH the DFMER:

Yes, my posts like "Why's Being Alone Such a Bad Thing" do stem from things I'm experiencing in my life at that moment. But then, I just think a TON about everything all the time, so posts could actually spawn from everyone around me, things that are happening in the world, and human nature in general. Typically, they are personal experience.

I enjoy your comments. I think we consider a lot of the same things. Always analyzing ;-).

I Can Breathe Now

I broke-up with Bam yesterday.

Oh the lovely world of Miss Curious’ completely unstable relationships. Ridiculous.

Last week he was out of town. I knew he was going to be crazy busy, so I told him not to worry about me and that he can just call me when he gets back in town. Mid-week he sent me a couple adorable emails, the last one I received on Thursday (I initiated email contact).

The Saturday he left we had a small bump – I may have mentioned it. Really though, these bumps are super small, but I have a feeling he just doesn’t like any imperfections. These bumps should just be conversations, and maybe he takes it as me knockin’ his character. Anyway, he has unrealistic expectations. His actions are much like my own in previous relationships. The classic “push her away” actions, that is. Well, guess after his “push her away” bit, I’ve now performed my very own “push him away.” Rad.

My last email to him on Thursday asked when he’d be back and that I’d love for him to call me, so I know he arrived home safely. I mean, I am (or was) his girlfriend. The airport arrival phone calls are kinda’ in the book of what to do in a relationship.

I had no reply email.

Friday, I left him a voicemail that was super sweet, as is my nature, hahaha. “Hey just wanted to see when you were coming back, and safe travels, my dear. I’ve missed your voice. Call me when you’re home.”

In the evening I get a distant text, “hopping on the plane now. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Hopping on the plane, so you can’t call and talk or whatever shit.

And no phone call the next day.

I even texted him, “welcome back!”

No response to that text either.

So, Sunday I was pretty pissed. Seriously, what the hell? What the hell happened from his “all I know is that I like you VERY MUCH… I feel very close to you and care about you very much” email on Wednesday? There was no even though I feel this way BUT. It was a we’re still doing this email.

I found myself tired of the guessing game. If he truly cared for me, he’d have at least called to say, “got home… don’t have time to chat, but wanted to say hi.” And, no problem.

The fact that he did nothing when he returned is very telling… telling me to dump his immature ass. Clearly, he wanted me to do the dirty work.

And what the fuck? How did we get here? When we’re together we get along so well… laugh and kiss and hug and talk about nothing incessantly. We typically email silly things all day, and he calls me on his ride home, and we’d talk about our days (even though we’d been doing so all day). Then, later in the evening more often than not, we’d have our good-night chats or at least a “goodnight babygurl… thinking of you” texts (p.s. I LOVE that he called me babygurl).

We couldn’t get over these stupid little things? It seems that both of us were battling our feelings. At least one of us needs to be normal, right?!?! I suppose we both need a lot of growing up in the relationship world. But then, why do some people get it right on the first try?

Anyway, I don’t know what happened.

How I remember Bam:

Lying on my pale yellow duvet cover wearing a white t-shirt and levis. His legs were crossed at his ankles, and one of his arms was behind his head exposing that pale soft side and arching his head just enough to give him the best view of me dancing around the room.

We again talked about how he saved all my emails. How he even has a mailbox specifically for my emails.

“Do you go back and read them?” I questioned (I’d asked this before, but I wanted to hear him say it again).

“Yes.”

“Why do you re-read them?” I probed.

In the most sincere voice I can ever recall hearing, “because I care about you.”

Jesus, I almost fucking cried it was so sweet. It took my breath away.

“You do?”

“I really do. I care a lot about you.”

I then of course hopped on the bed and smothered him with kisses.

That was a good moment. That made this sadness of loss worth it.


SILLINESS:

Okay, so I make fun of John Mayer ‘cuz I’m a bitch, but I do like this song… and I like these lyrics:

And I know it was me who called it over
but I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day
Don’t let me get away
Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be (Oh God yes!)
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness

- Split Screen Sadness
John Mayer


...our bodies get bigger.
but - our hearts get torn up...

- Wake-up
The Arcade Fire

I have a live David Bowie / Arcade Fire version of this song, and when they sing that line, for some reason, it hurts my heart in a beautiful way. Beautiful in the way that I need to wake the fuck up and not let that to continue to happen to me... rather, not let myself tear my heart up.

Maybe there are things I can’t control, but what I can control is my reaction to those things.

Why's Being Alone Such A Bad Thing?

Are relationships really that fun?

I look around at friends, co-workers, real adults... and I can count, on one hand, how many are seemingly good relationships.

There's the incessant arguing, jealousy issues, sexual issues, one obviously liking the other more and making ridiculous compromises because of it, and the general stifling relationships.

I'm not talkin' every once in a while fights... I'm talkin' uncomfortable to be around because all they do is argue, and all I do sit there wide-eyed with 'oh fuck' written all over my face.

Of course there must be redeeming qualities of these relationships for these people to be in them in the first place. OR, are people in these shitty-ass relationships because it's just a little bit better than being alone? And why the fuck is alone some horrendous situation in which to be? It's like a disease.

Obviously one can look at all the hunter-gatherer / propagation of the species explanations, which I suppose all make sense. You know, ultimately wanting our selfish-genes to span time. And then, that would bottle our entire existence into essentially being some virus of the earth that merely wants to proliferate.

Anyway, enough about that shit. So here we are now in whatever fucked up supposedly evolved state, and we can't stand being alone. We can't stand it.

As for me, why isn't kickin' it with my friends, going to shows, seeing flicks, listenin' to music, travelin' and so on enough? In fact, it's apparently hideous. Apparently, I can do all these uber exciting things, and yet still feel lonely... and at times, yes, incomplete.

Guess I can't win the battle of couplin' off to have me some babies.


Bam update:

I won't see him for another week and a half or so. Things are going well enough. I still have that insecurity in the back of my mind that rears its ugly head here and there. I think he and I have both communicated the fact that should things not work out as BF/GF we will remain friends. We have a very genuine respect for one another, and our feelings already run very deep.

He's a wonderful - wonderful man, and I hope I have him in my life for a very long time.

Who Likes Who More?

I like him more than he likes me. I hate that. What does one do when they obviously have more feelings than the other? Isn’t it supposed to be relatively equal? I suppose these things fluctuate, but it’s weird to be so conscious of this fact.

Will one person always have stronger feelings?

If so, which would I rather be?

Do I want to feel loved more than I love, but always wonder if I could have loved someone else more? Or do I want the security of knowing he’s into me more?

Bam’s pretty hard to read. In fact, I was totally perturbed when he got so pissed at me for making him worry. I hadn’t understood how much he cared for my well-being. He always seems so blasé about me.

He calls regularly. Emails regularly. Apparently just bought me a gift that he’s giving me tomorrow, um, adorable! But then, I worry still if he’s just going to think I’m more trouble than I’m worth. And oh, this is how lame I'm acting - I actually notice that he wants to get off the phone before I do, um, everytime. Of course, I sit and think way too much about that.

Aye-aye-aye.

Is anyone good at this dating shit? If so, tips.

Advice to myself:

1. Relax
2. Go with the flow
3. Don’t feel insecure ‘cuz I’m like, um, amazing (hahaha!)
4. If he drops me, oh well, big deal. Don’t sit around waiting for it to happen