Precarious Position

Friday night, Bam was racing around the city with his motorcycle friends. I told him he should drop by, so I could see him in his little space suit. 11 pm rolls around, and I assumed he wasn’t going to come. But then, I got a text, “I’m out front.”

My heart leapt.

I quickly threw on a sweatshirt and flip-flops and ran downstairs.

There he was, under the sallow glow of the street lamp with his motorcycle parked on the sidewalk. I walked right into his arms. There we were, two lovers embracing on the sidewalk. I was beaming. He was beaming.

We then sat on my front steps. He wrapped his arm around me. We talked about our nights. We said our goodbyes. As he sat on his motorcycle with his helmet on and visor up, he winked at me. For some reason, I lost my breath. It was such a handsome and sweet and romantic thing to do. Such a small thing, but my heart pitter-pattered.

I went back upstairs, smiling. I went to bed smiling.

The next night was date night. Before dinner he came up to my apartment for a little while. I had the brilliant idea of having staring contests. They lasted the whole night, and I pretty much dominated. We were like two little kids goofing off. I love that we act like kids around each other.

Later that evening, I found myself second guessing my actions. The more and more I like him, the more insecure I get. I keep thinking I’m going to say the wrong thing, and he’ll once again let me go.

It’s a tough position to be in… being dumped for whatever arbitrary reasons and then trying to open myself up again. Anytime I said something stupid or potentially stupid, the second he turned his head, I’d mouth, “shit – fuck… why’d I say that?!?! Miss Curious you’re such an idiot.”

Then I’d swallow and cringe.

Later in the evening, we met up with some of my friends, LaSassy and Chicajato and their boyfriends. They hadn’t met him before and were prepared to size him up.

Jokingly, I suggested each person tell him how great I am, so he’ll like me. I was kinda’ joking, but they did it anyway. Naturally, they decided to tell him how lame I am, and I got all wide-eyed and freaked out.

Chicajato came over to sit next to me. While Bam and LaSassy chatted, Chicajato and I had a side conversation. I thought I was going to cry. I realized then how insecure I was feeling. I worried that anything they might say could immediately turn him off. I told her I couldn’t take it. I told her that I didn’t know how I could get over that hump. I didn’t know how I could feel less insecure. I knew that these insecurities would present themselves in my interactions with him and would put me in an even more precarious position.

When we got back to my place, of course everything was fine and good.

Sunday night when we spoke, I gulped a hundred times. He wanted to get off the phone before I did, which foolishly made me feel all concerned… like it was so evident that I like him more than he likes me.

I just don’t quite know how to lift myself from this volatile position.

I suppose there’s a point where I simply have to be okay with losing him. I have to remind myself that I’m Miss Curious, who doesn’t love Miss Curious? Hahaha. This is who I am. I’m not perfect. I try to be the best person I can be. Understanding, kind, and loving. What more can I do?

If he should find that I’m not the one for him, then so be it. I can’t sit around waiting for him to drop me. I can’t be in this relationship always worried.

And so, I have to give myself up to the universe. And so, I must be myself. And so, he can chose to take me or leave me, but that’s going to be his issue. And so, I will be strong.

Happy and Hopeful

Wednesday night was the first night I’d seen Bam since he dumped my ass via-text and email and then got my ass back via-cell, text, and email.

Going into the evening I found myself extremely apprehensive. Our relationship went from a 5 paragraph email about how we’re not compatible, and it’s over and a 2 and a half hour conversation about how we’re not compatible and it’s still over to a slew of 7 text messages about how I “have his heart,” and to give him another try.

Who wouldn’t be apprehensive?

Although I was worried as fuck, I was still eager to see him. So eager, that I even ran downstairs to greet him instead of waiting for him to ring my doorbell. In the lobby our lips met. Butterflies ensued. Our attempts at pulling away proved futile, and we stood down there embracing and kissing for some ridiculous amount of time. Luckily, no one was around.

Needless to say, the attraction was still electric.

And then our night was like every night we’ve hung out. Perfect.

We got our Whole Foods dinner, sat at my kitchen table, and as I blabbed on and on, he reached under the table, pulled my leg onto his lap, slid his hand up my jeans, and lightly massaged my legs.

It was just comfortable. Sometimes I’d find myself staring at him instead of listening to what he was saying. Staring and thinking about how much I like him.

He’s been ever so apologetic about having dumped me. He says he will make it up to me. He says that he hates himself for having hurt me.

I understand that I haven’t painted him in the best light on this blog, but this blog has been an outlet for me to rant about my woes. We often talk more about our complaints versus the things we love.

So Here’s What I Like About Bam:

- He’s intelligent as fuck.
- Quick witted
- Sarcastic
- Has gorgeous forearms
- Genuinely cares for others (I mean, like, HUGE heart)
- Notices the small things
- Compliments me often
- Has a great relationship with his parents, takes good care of them
- Is amazing with little kids
- Has a lot of very good friends that all love him
- Is open to any social situation
- Surfs and Skates
- We have the same stupid sense of humor
- Is un-PC
- He’s a complete character, just silly
- Soft sweet kisser
- He’s attentive
- Has a strong work ethic

AND, is falling in love with me…

Check Your Email

Not only has technology brought us the iPod and the toaster oven that simultaneously cooks eggs sunny-side-up, it has also brought us new ways of breaking up with each other.

Picking up where we left off, Bam was pissed that I’d made him worry last Wednesday and then cancelled our Thursday plans… and made no mention of canceling our Saturday plans. I called him that Friday morning with every intention of breaking-up with him over the phone because I couldn’t take his constant judgments.

No calls Thursday. No calls Friday. Saturday, the day we were supposed to hang out (but of course was now questionable since I’d left him that vague message about needing to “talk”). Saturday at 5 pm, I get a text, “Sorry for not calling. If you would, please check your email. Again, I’m Sorry.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? YOU’RE GOING TO TEXT THAT BULLSHIT?!?! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO FUCKING EMAIL, SO I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND FUCKING STEW UNTIL I CAN READ IT!?!??!

I texted back, “That’s so weak. You just dumped me via-email because you were too chicken to call me? Is that it?”

No response.

Finally, I got myself to a computer. There waiting in my Inbox titled “I’m Sorry” was the break-up email from Bam.

He went on to tell me everything I already knew. But reading between the lines, he was breaking up with me because he liked me too much. Based on his reactions to certain things, I was gathering that he didn’t like any loss of control. He didn’t like the fact that I could affect his emotions so much. He couldn’t stand it as I’d later come to find out.

Needless to say, I was pissed beyond belief. I sat on that black milk-crate of mine staring out my San Francisco bay windows and watching the fog roll in… I propped my lap-top on my bare thighs and began typing my reply.

I then hit DELETE. I decided that I wasn't going to give him that reply. I just texted him back, “got the email… weird how things work out… wish we could go back to the first night we kissed.”

End of story. He never texted back. No word on Sunday.

Needing to explode, I call my psychiatrist of a dad and an honorary psychiatrist of a mom. One gets on the phone upstairs, the other on the phone downstairs.

I relayed the story. I told them how everyone says, “it’s not supposed to be that difficult in the first month.”

And then came the parental advice:

Dr. Curious – “Miss Curious, he’s doing exactly what you’ve done in almost all of your relationships. You get too close, can’t stand any loss of control, and then start to pick apart their personalities and look for all the reasons why it won’t work. Then, you just can’t let go of those things. Don’t you recognize his behavior?

Also, I am in complete disagreement with whomever it was that told you the first month is supposed to be pure honeymoon. (Do Note: my dad’s like Mr. Science / Logic, who listens to people talk about this shit everyday – Meaning: his opinion is a wise one) In the first month, the emotions are highly volatile. While you have the ability to experience those high highs, you can also experience the low lows as well. Some people are better at masking any neurotic, low, or general crazy feelings they have in this stage. Some people in general experience life on a different level anyway. Some people may not ever be capable of experiencing the highs that you can feel and perhaps Bam as well. People react very differently to these emotions. Often, people can push them away. It seems that Bam is one of those people. I would also like to remind you that you have been that person for a very long time.”

Yada-Yada-Yada. Dr. Curious' Gist – give the boy a break.

Curious Mom’s Question – “is he worth fighting for? Aside from these silly emotional freak-outs, does he have things that you haven’t found in a very long time?”

Yes Mom.

Yes Dad.

Monday morning, I email him. I told him that I brought his sweatshirt, and that I’d give it to his best friend. You know, the classic exchange of each other’s shit… and all the dramatics involved.

With that email, I included a picture of the 2 stuffed animals he gave me for my birthday. The subject to the email, “They may look chipper… but they’re pissed you’re not coming back.”

A slew of emails ensued. Ending with Bam saying, “I’ll call you as soon as I get off of work.”

2 and a half hours of conversation. He allowed me to lay into him about the text and email break-up… about how unfairly he treated me… how amazing I am… how he’s made a mistake.

He explained that he’s pretty much crazy and likes me too much and doesn’t know what to do with those emotions. He also explained that he is not mature when it comes to relationships. It’s something he really hopes to work on, and he’s very sorry he’s not there yet.

I made a bunch of moans and grunts (really). He wanted to see me in person, so we decided to get together tomorrow night. I gave him an assignment to think of all the things he likes about me… things that really define me and not little events like making him worry.

A couple of hours later, the texts roll in. He had actually been working on his assignment.

And then, the about-face.

“Miss Curious… you have me. I want to do this, but I need you to be patient with me.”

What to do - What to do?????????

Well, after much consideration... I am once again, Miss Curious, girlfriend of Bam.

I like the challenge. I like that we’ve both said we’re here to stay. That we’re committed to this. That we haven’t found certain qualities in any one person… ever… and that’s worth fighting for… I also told him that I fully understood what he’s doing… how he’s lashing out because I’ve done exactly that before.

We’re both pretty intense people… and maybe we like this kinda’ shit… the ups and the downs.

We want to grow together. Let’s all cross our fingers, but right now, I feel more secure in this than I ever have before.

I'm sorry I didn't have enough time today to post because I actually have a story... like a really good fucked-up story about me and Bam.

One of those, "you can't be serious," stories.

Tomorrow - tomorrow.

I liked the comments that you've all written. I will address those in my post tomorrow.

- (oops, almost wrote my real name - Miss Curious)

Faster Than A Celebrity Couple

I kept blaming myself. I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I thought that I’m just so bad at relationships. I kept asking myself, “what’s wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me!?” And in the first fucking month?!?!

But then, I thought and I thought, and realized, that YES, I am good enough. In fact, he’s not good enough for me. That all these little hiccups we’ve had have been a result of his issues.

First, he got weird about my sexual past. We resolved that, fine. Secondly, he thought I hung up on him one night, NOT the case, and he then sent me this caustic email the next morning. He had clearly stayed up wondering why I may have done that and then let me know what his conclusions were. He apologized. We resolved that one too, fine.

And then, Wednesday night, I was pretty tore-up from smoking and drinking at the Pumpkins show. I lost my wallet. Kinda’ panicked. Texted him that I needed help. He freaked out and called me. I then found my wallet, and told him I was okay. That happened in the span of 15 minutes.

He then got pissed at me for having made him worry. His emails Thursday were very cold, and I believe he mentioned the fact that I worried him several times. My guess is that he thought/thinks I’m too much for him. He cancelled our plans for that night. He hasn’t called me since. Okay, that was yesterday. But it was the first day I didn’t hear his voice from a voicemail or chat since the day we met.

Last night, I tossed and turned. That’s when I finally realized that this wasn’t my shit. This was his shit. If he can’t handle Miss Curious, then fuck him. I like the way I lead my life. Sure I could drink and smoke less, and eventually I will. I mean, he smokes and drinks ALL the time.

Anyway, this is when I decided I was going to end things. I’m gathering that this last “incident” put him over the edge too. Whatever – making mountains outta’ molehills. I’m tired of having to constantly defend myself over bullshit.

He’s out of town today and until tomorrow afternoon. I wanted to catch him before he took-off. I left him a message to this effect: “Hey Bam, I wanted to touch base before you left. I’m realizing that we’re probably now on the same page, and I thought we should have a conversation. Call me when you get this.” This will be an end where I could actually say, "It's you not me!"

I don’t know.

We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow, and it’d be WEAK-ASS-SHIT if he just didn’t call me back. Let’s get this done and over with.

Dolly (The Truth About Cocks and Dolls) asked if part of me wished that he’d fight me on this.

All of me wishes it.

Isn't There Dating School Or Something?

Okay... just deleted the post I had here before because I realize that it makes me look uber-crazy.

Gist - things already aren't going so well in the boyfriend department (YES, ALREADY!!!). He lives almost an hour away and seeing one another may be becoming a chore for him since I have NO car.

This is hard. I'm kinda' feelin' the brush-off.

Surrender and Release

So wait, what, I still have some things to learn about myself? Whatever. Okay, kidding – kidding.

My new boyfriend has actually been calling me out on my neurotic behavior. He’s also made me think a thing or two about myself that I hadn’t really recognized before. While I’m certainly not perfect, I have Miss Curious pretty well mapped out or so I thought. I know why I do most of the things that I do, whether or not I can stop all of it or most of it is another story. But anyway.

So this guy, my boyfriend, makes me want to be a better person.

Maybe this relationship will continue – maybe it won’t, but I want to try my hardest here. He’s very deserving of my heart.

If it ends, it will be a very sad blog day. And I have to stop thinking so negatively.

I see him again tomorrow, and I can’t wait.

Ahhh, I’m nervous. So very nervous. And I’m such a cliché… the “I have a hard time letting go” cliché. My roommie / BFF have Angel Cards that we draw everyday. Before you draw, you're supposed to think of something that the Angel Card may help you put things in perspective. Today, I got "Surrender and Release." It was very appropriate. Cheesey - Silly - a million foolish things about me for even somewhat taking this seriously, but it helped. It confirmed that I must be happy with this... be open with this. And not a fucking over-analytical idiot! Hard on myself? To say the least.

Go with the flow Miss Curious!

Miss Curious Is Smiling

My stomach was in knots. I knew he was going to say those ill-fated words, and I couldn’t light my pipe fast enough. Maybe I was scared to lose him or maybe just scared that I was going to have another failed attempt at a relationship. I suppose it’s both. I can’t stand getting my hopes up, and in a mere few weeks, watching it crash for whatever reason. It hurts every single time. It hurts even when I’m the one ending it.

I sat on my black milk crate with my window wide open, so I could blow the smoke into the foggy night air.

After two and a half hours of “understanding where the other person was coming from”, I realized that it wasn’t about me being a sexually open woman… it was more of a “how about not talking about our sex life with others” and perhaps a “he’s a little jealous” about any recent dudes I may have hung out with, especially when they’re calling me 5 times in a night while he and I are trying to sleep (ahem, Flava Flav).

It was an “adult” conversation. We communicated very-very well. But, having a little hiccup early on is always a bit frightening. It reminded me of the volatility in the dating world. That at this point, either of us can easily walk-away without much emotional involvement. And maybe he would… maybe he wasn’t invested.

-----------------------------------------------

The above was written last Monday morning. Our next date was on Wednesday. I wondered how things would go. Because I'd been out of town, I hadn’t seen him in a week and a half. And then, of course, I thought he was ready to kick me to the curb… or I was about to easily throw in the towel when he made me feel uncomfortable about my sexuality, so it was going to be a very revealing date.

I watched the clock all Wednesday afternoon.

He knocked on my door. He had two bags with him. My birthday presents. Each gift was completely thoughtful. He apparently remembered everything I’d said. Any worries I had going into the evening swiftly dissipated.

We had a wonderful night. We sat on my carpet, Indian-style, facing one another with our knees touching, and our hands on each other’s forearms. We laughed, a lot. We laugh a lot in general. Like, a lot. Like, we’re in a constant state of giggle. We’re like two little kids together. This relationship has the pureness and excitement of middle school and high school, but then, we work things out like adults.

After several hours of goofing off, in the sweetest way ever, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes.

I’m not pretty enough to have a flawed personality. I have to be charming and witty and interesting and normal, at least during that initial dating stage. This is fact. Those who may argue this clearly have ZERO empirical knowledge.

Everyday I was in So Cal, Bam and I texted and/or chatted on the phone. Yesterday we oddly had an early morning conversation that lasted about an hour. The conversation turned completely sour… I asked that stupid girl question of, “have you hooked-up with any chicks in the last week while I was away?”

He said no. And then asked if I’d hooked-up with anyone in the past three weeks (since we met).

I, being the retarded chick that I am decided to volunteer completely unnecessary information, said, “I haven’t hooked-up with anyone in like 7 or 8 weeks.”

Apparently that was pretty recent to him. He started asking questions, “was it your ex- The Brother? Or that guy (Flava Flav) who called you 5 times that night I was over?”

My memory was a bit hazy… he started asking more questions about Flava Flav, like how we met… I let him know that it was primarily a physical relationship and that I had no interest in him. He continued to probe, and I foolishly discussed having had ex-sex with DV, and how I’ll never do that again.

His tone changed, “I didn’t think you would do something like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like have some casual encounter.”

“Well, there was involvement with both parties. I didn’t just meet them one night and fuck them.”

I suddenly found myself scrambling to explain… suddenly wishing I hadn’t done the things that I’ve done. Maybe I wasn’t expressing myself correctly.

Then I realized, “perhaps I’ve given you the wrong impression of who I am.”

Frazzled, I couldn’t quite collect my thoughts. I questioned myself when I shouldn’t have. We ended the conversation, and I was left feeling shitty.

But then, those are the things that I’ve done. I am a strong woman, who is very comfortable with her sexuality. Like I always say, I’m proud of how I live my life. I’m always trying to be a better person. I try to treat people with respect. I try to be honest and caring and loving and conscientious. I don’t and didn’t need to apologize.

I’m queen over-analytical… this means, when I make decisions, I consider all factors involved… my feelings – their feelings – potential outcomes – etc. My decisions are often very deliberate. Perhaps I haven’t liked the eventual outcome, but that was the chance I took.

I will always be a very open and sexual woman. If he wants someone who is demure, then I’m certainly not the person for him

And so, I felt like here I had a flaw to him… and why didn’t I have room for this flaw. I look at my older sister who treats men poorly (at times - to be fair) and yet, they forgive everything… she can do no wrong. And I can’t get away with shit… well, that’s sort of a lie. I guess these thoughts go with the whole female thought of, “he doesn’t like me because I’m not skinny enough” or pretty enough or artsy enough or preppy enough… whatever not enough of that usually involves appearance.

Anyway, right now, I feel clouded by my emotions.

At the end of the day, however, I will stand my ground… This is who I am. If he has a problem with it, then it’s his problem.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE - HERE'S ME UBER HUNG-OVER, STILL IN MY PAJAMAS THE NIGHT AFTER MY 29TH:

HAPPY B-DAY TO ME!

I'm going to SoCal to kick it with the folks for the rest of the week, so I'm crazy busy today... this means I can't write much.

Gist - I'm sooooooooooo into Bam right now. We had an awesome dinner date Saturday and an awesome night last night. We just laugh A LOT.

He has tons o' potential. I mean, I fucking really like this guy. Weird.

It's a big wait and see... Anyway - good-bye until Monday the 9th!!!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! 7-7-07 I'LL BE 29!!!