Why Would It Work This Time?

I find myself so very uncertain about Bam.

I haven't seen him since last Saturday (early Sunday morning) and won't see him until tomorrow... and then, I leave for almost a week, so that means we'll only have hung out once in 2 weeks... it's keeping things at a distance.

I had all this momentum... and now it's kinda' turned into whatever.

Of course I have my moments (usually while drunk) that I desperately miss him... and last night, Chicajato caught me re-reading his adorable little text that said he was thinking about me.... I re-read it a psycho-number of times to the point of Chicajato saying, "Oh God!" and rolling her eyes.

I'm very interested to see how things go tomorrow. I just can't figure this one out for some reason. It can easily go either way at this point.

I guess it boils down the fact that I have no faith... that I just think something bad will happen... that this will end... it probably has something to do with the fact that this time last year, I had the same thing going on... and all seemed wonderful - and one day he just dropped me.

Or the birthday (this time again) the year before... I just started dating The Brother, and it had so much potential... I thought that was it... I was off the market... but then that time, it was my feelings that faded... it was me who lost interest one morning.

These "things"/"flings" end. How can one have faith when history proves broken hearts for me or for him?

That's it... I just don't trust this.

Neurotic Psycho Bitch Who Just Shouldn't Date

Why go with the flow when you can analyze everything to death and make yourself sick?

Oddly enough, up until last night, I’d been going with the flow well enough when it came to Bam.

Friday night we had our official second date. Throughout the day we had sexually charged emails, and I couldn’t see any reason why we couldn’t fuck that night. Okay, I’m sure others can come up with a bunch of reasons, but he was makin’ me all HOT and shit.

He apparently had the same notion because when I asked, “do you have something?” he whipped-out a Costco-sized box of Trojans.

And holy-shit… I almost feel badly divulging this information because with him I’ve started feeling like I should keep some things private… but I just can’t NOT say this… we fucked 6 times this weekend and I blew him once making that a grand total of 7 blown loads. It was 5 times Friday and Saturday morning… Friday night also included the blow-job, making Bam a 6 time champ for that short period of time!!! Wow!!!

On Saturday he left for a barbeque that I decided against going to… before he left I was kinda’ feelin’ Miss Curious’ “ahhh, this is too much too soon,” but then an hour later, I found myself missing him.

Later that evening, I decided I would meet up w/ him and his friends after all. I hung out with the girls, and he hung out with the guys.

While I was immersed in conversation with the ladies, not even thinking about him, I got a text from him, “you look hot… wanna go home together?”

How adorable. I love that he was still aware of my presence… watching me from afar.

Later that night we headed to one of his married couple friends’ house… I again kicked it w/ the chick… he was in the other room… another text, “that Miss Curious is really cool…”

How cute.

That was a pretty fucking amazing night.

Then we were supposed to hang out last night, but my little sister was coming. He lives 40 minutes away, so having her here meant he’d have to drive home that night too… I then gave him the out --- that I’d understand if he didn’t want to do all that driving.

He wasn’t supposed to take me up on it though! Hahaha! He did say he’d call. But he didn’t.

I didn’t understand why his ass wouldn’t call me because up until the end of the day, he still had plans with me. That meant, he was going to have no other plans other than laundry, chores, and talking to me. Hahaha.

I was totally bummin’ and realizing that I was suddenly in freak out mode… remembering that these things can end at any moment… that one person can wake up one day and just say, “I’m not that into this.”

I know this because this is exactly how I am.

I panicked. I like him. I don’t want him to wake up and not want me anymore. That’d royally suck my fat-ass.

This morning, however, I did get this super cute and long email from him apologizing that he’d crashed early… blah blah blah. And that he missed me… that he’d call me today. We’ll see.

Later in the afternoon, I got another email just saying he was thinking of me.

Again, totally cute… but for some reason, I’m still in freak-out mode.

Such volatility in dating someone. Now I’ve developed feelings, and I can’t stand it. I’m so mother-fucking-bad at this shit.

Also, I’m celebrating my birthday with a couple friends on Friday… I invited him to come… he has other plans… whatever!!! Hahaha! And then, I was all bummed about that.

I really can’t stand myself right now.

I'll post tomorrow... I promise!!! I have updates!

Give It To Me Good... This Time

Since meeting Bam last Sunday, we’ve spoken on the phone every night and of course, Wednesday, we had our first date. Here’s how it went:

Unfortunately, I was exhausted and suggested we just get take-out and chill at my house. I’m always nervous seeing a dude for the first time since our initial meeting. I always kinda’ forget how he looks.

He gets there, and I can’t stop talking because I found myself totally nervous. Then I kept apologizing, “I’m so sorry… I talk a ton when I’m nervous… oops!”

He would just chuckle. I love his laugh.

After getting food, we sat on my floor and just talked about things people talk about when they’re getting to know each other. You know -- family, friends, work, religion, favorite sexual positions… the usual.

Then there’s the classic line “one thing leads to another,” and we’re on my bed intertwining our limbs… and tongues.

I honestly canNOT remember having enjoyed kissing someone as much as I enjoy kissing him. Oh my god. We have both admitted to being addicted to the other person’s lips, and I really mean it.

Since it was “that time of the month,” I kept the pants on the entire time… but I was curious about his “stuff,” so I made sure it came out for a quick look and unfortunate to him, an even quicker stroke.

HOT FUCKING COCK!!!

He spent the night… nothing more happened other than some heavy petting… no cumming.

We did, however, get all fucking cheesey and stare into each others’ eyes.

In the middle of the night, I felt him kissing my shoulder… he thought I was asleep… I didn’t move… I just smiled to myself.

We have another date tonight. I’m trying to skadaddle, so I can have my pussy all tore’up by my favorite Asian San Franciscans and their HOT VATS OF WAX --- oh yes, given’ it to me good like the BRAZILIANS DO IT!!!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see him tonight!!!

I have to remember though… this could be over tomorrow or next week or next month… I mean, c’mon, history tells me it will.

I’m just being hopeful. We’ll see.

BAM

I'm leaving work early today, so I'm too busy to write details at this time... I will write more later... I promise.

Gist - 1st date was very successful... 2nd date is tomorrow night!

Date Night

Tonight's date night. I'm looking forward to it. I hope we're still attracted to one another... I mean, I did wake-up with this gargatuan zit in the middle of my forehead, which is obvious enough that someone may ask if it's an Indian Bindi. Fuck.

Then there's the fact that I haven't been sleeping for reasons I can't understand... I've tried to make sense of those crazy nightmares of which I've awoken in middle... but what does having people in a Salvation Army truck rob my parents' house and stealing all my clothes mean?

Those thieves who really pissed me off when they stole my polk-a-dot polyester skirt, interrupted my sleep so much that I have hideous bags under my RED eyes.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling super hot right now... not like one would want to feel on first date where we already obsessively think about our outfits and hairstyles and making sure all the right spots are shaved. Not to mention the fact that my body has that exhausted feeling all over... wow - I sound like a big fucking grump.

Anyway, I'm still super excited. We've spoken for the past 2 nights, and I've grown to like him more and more. I can't get too ahead of myself if that's possible??!?!

Here are just a couple things Bam's said in his emails:

I had a good time and I hope you’ll take me up on an invitation to dinner / drinks or something involving us seeing each other again soon.

I can't wait to kiss you. You're like a drug to this dude.

I am having my day-dreaming thoughts of you.

He's certainly said many more sweet and sentimental things like this... but this is the gist.

AND OH:

And oh, how cute was he in our conversation last night... he told me exactly what he was thining when he first saw me... the exact point he knew he wanted to kiss me... how it felt to kiss me the first time... I mean, sheesh... who says such cute things.

And another oh, Miss Curious, being curious asked about his cock size already... and let me just say WOW. Perfect. More than perfect. Whew, I'm HOT just thinking about it. Oye. Luckily it's "that time of the month" still, so it'll force us to go slowly.

Jesus, I'm So Fucking Bad At Dating

Bam actually called last night. Not only did he call last night, he also emailed me a couple of times yesterday... and then again, this morning.

After a couple of emails yesterday, I had my classic Miss Curious "icks" for a second. Sometimes when dudes come on a bit too strong, I tend to, um, freak out a tad. The "icks" swiftly dissipated when he called that evening. I felt completely at ease speaking with him.

I love that he answers all of my questions. My blog name actually reflects my personality pretty fucking well. I ask A LOT of questions... because I'm, well, CURIOUS. This rockstar once asked me why I asked so many questions, I panicked and said, "oh oops, it's just that I studied it in college... yeah, journalism." OH MY GOD, WHAT A BLATANT LIE... I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

Anyway, super personal things are accidentally asked as well, oops, and Bam didn't even skip a beat... he answered everything with great ease.

We've set up a date for tomorrow night. I told him I'd like to forgo dinner because that's more of a 2nd date for me. I just want to hop in the sack and fuck all night on the first date. Okay, not always, hahaha. But, I always feel awkward on dinner dates... like everyone in the restaurant can sense how totally awkward I am.

That's just weird of me to even think. Whatever.

I hate the trying-to-figure-out-what-we're-going-to-do part of going on first dates... and second dates... well, dates in the beginning. We'll probably go to a bar, but then what bar? Jesus. I'm kinda' psycho-overanalytical-chick. Sheesh!

Any San Franciscans have good first date bars? I'd like to take him to Cheers... wouldn't that be a "fuck you" to Obsession... hahaha... so, bad idea.

Being Irresponsible With My Emotions

I’m like a giddy little fucking teenager. It’s ridiculous. I didn’t say anything last week because I kinda’ didn’t think it’d happen and was completely loving mellow. A co-worker of mine who’s relatively new told me that he had the perfect guy for me. Whatever, right?

He mentioned that this guy would be at his show yesterday… I kinda’ was copping out and told him that I didn’t really feel like a set-up, but thanks anyway.

He’d forwarded me the guy’s profile and sent him mine, so when I got to the show I recognized him right away. I naturally acted all coy (ok, not naturally)… there was no way I was going to approach him because I just didn’t care.

Anyway, he came right up to me. Not a shy guy. And then, bam (who says bam?!) we hung out for the rest of the night. Let's call him Bam. Anyway, the immediate comfort level was insanely good.

I was there with some friends as was he, and everyone just totally got along… we all had this amazing time where we laughed so hard our stomach muscles hurt. He then drove me home. We sat in his car in front of my apartment and proceeded to kiss for an extensive period of time.

The first kiss was amazing. You know when you just kiss the same way? That’s how it was. Ahhh.

Bam took my number, and as I hopped out of the car, I said, “don’t take too long to call.”

He smiled, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Yeay! Shit though, I hope he calls.

20 minutes later I got a text from him telling me what a great night he had and how he’s looking forward to the next time he gets to see me. How fucking adorable! Sheesh!

I’d be super bummed if he didn’t call. Maybe he won’t call tonight, but I hope he eventually does. Eeks! I’m fucking squealing over here… I almost can’t stand myself. How totally irresponsible of me to get so excited about someone!!!

At least I’ll have this blog to wallow in my own self-pity should he not call.

And even if he does call, and a month later it’s over already, that’s cool because I like how I feel right now… and remind me that I said it was worth it!!!

Guys Marrying Themselves Off Already:

Oh oh oh – so, we started talking about the dude who set us up… Bam mentioned that the dude would be his best man at his wedding… I chuckled to myself because like the previous post I’d recently been wondering if guys thought about that kind of thing too.

I mean, what girl doesn’t already have half her wedding planned? Seriously, right? Even stubborn, trying-to-be-all-unconventional me has some ideas.

Anyway, my ears just perked at the fact that he was already thinking “best man.” Weird! (please note: not in regards to us)

Every Chick Does This...

If guys knew what went on in a woman’s head, we’d all be single for the rest of our lives. Spawned from a pre-movie music video of Natasha Bedingfield, me and the ladies have all been admitting what goes on in our crazy little heads when we start or are dating someone… basically, we have ourselves married off to the guy before the first date.

A friend recently admitted that she even envisioned her and “whatever guy” on cruises together (cruises?). I had to admit that I’ve had weekend getaways with my bartender crushes… honeymoons (to Bali) with guys I’ve been on one date with… children with a guy I’ve had one intense conversation with at a bar… dinners with his family and my family… and all in the very beginning stages of dating someone or again, maybe we haven’t dated, but I’m psycho-fantasy girl… and oh, I often picture me and some dude turning down our bed… talking about our days… and I’d wonder how his voice would sound after “knowing” each other for years and years.

And we ALL do it… ALL ChickKind envisions this crazy shit… that’s why we all related to Bridget Jones when she hooked up with Daniel Cleaver, like once, and already visualized the wedding – even the fucking toast.

I wonder if guys do this? Now that's a good question.

Anyway, here are some of those lyrics:

I Wanna Have Your Babies
- Natasha B.

Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was goin' on in my brain
Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the church, all the schools, all the names
If you knew it was all about you, every wish
Every candle, every coin in a fountain
Trust me it would scare you...

Gonna button my lip
So the truth don’t slip
Gotta beep out
What I really wanna shout
Woops Did I say it out loud
Did you find outI wanna have your babies
Get serious like crazy

MONDAY NIGHT DICE / iBARTENDER:

Guess who’s working back at the Monday Night Dice Bar?!?!?!? That’s right. iBartender. It was the first thing Tall K told me this morning… with a little smirk on his face… and just now a little quip, “I bet you’re excited.” Whatever!!! I have NO intention of falling back into that dead-end-of-a-stupid-unreciprocated-crush. But, interesting news nonetheless.

This Time Last Year

It's funny how I'm starting to get bored again... it seems to be right around this time of year that the dust settles from one thing or another, and I'm looking to get myself into trouble. Instead of doing something new, I decided to reminisce on last year's trouble... I went through those dusty ole' archives of mine to remind myself of what a complete ass I've been known to be. Anyone remember when I did the below?!?!?!

June 2006

What oh What Did Miss Curious Do This Time?!?!

Do not give a bored and stoned Miss Curious a computer. After listening to KriKri and GreenEyes' advice to give MySpace a try, I gave it look... to much discontent, I was greeted by shirtless photos, plucked eyebrows, and gelled hair -- then i double-checked to make sure it wasn't men for men... to more discontent, it wasn't. What to do - what to do?!?! Get stoned of course. What not to do - What not to do?!?! Post on Craigslist of course. Here's what an idiot I am: Tomorrow I'll post excerpts from the gazillion replies I received... I seem to be the 1st stoned individual to post on this shit: I still can't believe I did this... oh wait, yes I can.

stoned and could do this or watch donnie darko and old school - 27

i'm completely stoned right now and am stealing free wireless from my neighbor, so i decided to peruse craigs and i stumble upon these fabulously random - insane categories... do relationships or "come play with daddy m4w" things actually work?

right now my body is lightly (maybe medium lightly) shaking from how funny i think i am, but deep down know that i'm really not being funny and wonder if i have some ulterior motive for posting on women seeking men...

but anyway, here i am on this june afternoon with all the windows in my house open, and i'm eating an apple and i'm hoping that this high would last forever... this is what i like doing sometimes (sometimes being the operative word)... perhaps you too? so i'm trying to decide if i want to watch donnie darko and get into that mood or watch old school and laugh uncontrollably (sp?)... but then, there's always music.... maybe i should just drown myself with music... hmm... wish there was some amazing live show on tonight... but since i can't move, i think the ipod will suffice.

okay okay... maybe i've missed the point of this whole thing... ultimately, i have a million people around me all the time, they're laughing - i'm laughing, and sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like the loneliest girl in the world... but then i also love to engage myself with amazing people and truly laugh and smile... and get lost at concerts and parks... the 'highs' - the lows...

so it'd just be nice to have someone for those lonely moments and beautiful moments. yeah, sometimes i'd think it'd be nice when i'm not too stubborn or proud to admit it. hmm.

does anyone have some cheezits?
those sound really good right now.

So Much Is Just Luck

It's been a hard thing to admit to myself, but I'm finally saying outloud that I need a new job. Right now I absolutely love my co-workers, and I respect my bosses. Loving the people with whom one works, is so hard to find. I've been afraid of leaving that behind and taking the chance that I just may detest any new co-workers.

You see, my current job has never defined me. I took this job because the things that I thought would define me and I'd be passionate about, turned out to totally suck ass.

From those jobs, I realized that it was more important to find people with whom I enjoyed spending the majority of my waking hours than to have a job in a field that I was excited about, but disliked the people.

Now I'm asking myself - can I find a job that's both? A job that I am passionate about and also enjoy the people and how I spend my waking hours?

Of course the field I'm most excited about is overpopulated - in high demand - super competitive... I pretty much have only one connection... a person I'll see in a couple of weeks... and the rest is luck. Luck.

A little determination. A connection. And an uber-shitload of luck.


And oh, I decided for sure against grad school in psychology... conflict of interest was too great.

The Anatomy of a Friend

My little sister just graduated from college and is trying to figure out where she’s going to live. We discussed where most of her friends were moving and what friends in what cities would offer her the most support.

This conversation consisted of dissecting friends.

TYPES:

The All About Me – these friends always talk about themselves. They never ask you how you are. In fact, if you volunteer information about your life, you see their eyes glaze over, and you immediately turn the conversation back into something about them. I’ve genuinely had the thought in my head, often, “wow, this person isn’t listening… fuck it… I’ll turn it back to them.” If you weren’t facing them, you’d be rolling your eyes at times. The positives – they’re entertaining, sometimes you don’t want to talk about yourself, and you really have nothing going on, so at least someone has something to say.

The All About Boys – my little sister described one of her friends as goofy and fun, but the only thing she ever wanted to talk about was ‘boys’… boys that she personally was hooking-up with or interested in… She did allow my sister to discuss her own stupid boy thoughts, and she would actually appreciate them… and would listen, but her friend mostly dominated the conversation.

The Party Pal – This is the friend that’s always up for going out. This person is almost always single. Your relationship isn’t typically super deep, but it’s thoroughly enjoyable because the friendship is based upon having fun. How can that be bad? Of course this isn’t the person you run to when times are rough, and sometimes you worry that you won’t want to go out enough… and you’ll bore them. But good times are had with the Party Pal.

The Confidante – This is the gem. This is the friend that listens and seems to genuinely care. He or she is typically self-aware… aware of what he or she likes in a friend and tries to be that person too. This person is empathetic… probably understands things about you that not many others can. They “just get it.” You can sit in silence with this person and not feel awkward. You’re in tune with one another.

The Drop Everything – Someone recently described one her friends as a person who, when you have an emergency or need a shoulder to cry on, he or she will “drop everything” to be there for you. He or she may also be the friend to pick you up from the airport. This person is many times The Confidante as well.

My sister and I realized that different friends assume different roles. You know who to go to when you’re feelin’ something. Sometimes, I’m just not in the mood for the “All About Me” friend. It drains you at times… especially if you’re in a really bad spot and want someone to listen and maybe for a second you try to confide in him or her, but you can always count on her to glaze over… and you’re reminded that he or she really is an “All About Me.”

There are times when you and a friend reverse roles… sometimes she’s the talker and you’re the listener and vice versa. This is a sign of a good friendship in my book.

I know I’m completely flawed, but I really do try to listen to my friends… and I really do care how they are. It does get frustrating when it’s not necessarily reciprocated though. But then, they are your friends because they offer something… there’s some need they fulfill whether it be pure entertainment or specific to one particular interest or something of the sort… or even that you see they’re feeling pain, and you don’t like to see anyone in pain… you want to help them.

I know that I can catch myself talking ‘all about me,’ but I then try my hardest to give them equal attention. This is another conversation in my head where I say, “wow, Miss Curious, stop monopolizing the conversation. You’re not even saying anything anyway. You’re just talking to talk.”

I know I can talk “all about boys” sometimes too… but because of my psycho-self-awareness, I often do this because I think it’s what people want to talk about. It’s easy to engage one in that realm. We’re a romance, partner, love obsessed society. It is a great distraction particularly for someone like me who’s real obsession is the pointlessness of the Big Bang and mass extinction. People would much rather talk boys than that, so that’s what I do. I’ll watch romantic comedies because they’re mindless… because they don’t remind me of reality… hahaha… I listen to songs about love not because it’s about love, but mainly because it’s about loneliness.

Anyway, these were just some weekend thoughts. I really do hope my little sister moves here instead of New York. Then, I’d have family for once in the Bay Area… and I’d have a new Confidante in this city.

Why Do I Even Care?

My little sister graduated from college this week and is now visiting me. She's trying to figure out where she wants to live. Last night, for our "catching-up" night, we of course went to Cheers, Obsession's bar. Aside from getting to stare at him, the food is actually pretty amazing and the drinks are always free.

Anyway, I wondered if he had broken up with his girlfriend yet. He said to come back this month, and she'd be out. I wasn't going to ask him, but I figured if he had, he would have brought it up himself.

I introduced him to my sister... we chatted about her having graduated, what was next, and how bad the weather was. The bar was uber busy, so we didn't get to chat with him much... and his energy was just kinda' BLAH.

At the end of the night, he gave us both hugs good-bye... and that was that. I just knew the girlfriend was still in the picture... it was like he didn't want to be around me because he didn't want me to ask. If she had been gone, I know he would have been like, "I did it. I broke-up with her." He knew I was disappointed that he'd been cheating on her. His "get out of jail free" card was breaking up with her as soon as possible since he knew he wasn't into her and wasn't going to be faithful.

Even if he had broken up with her, it wouldn't have mattered really... I mean, it's not like anything would ever happen with us... it's just this stupid fantasy of mine because I can't understand why I'm still attracted to this guy after all this time... I keep thinking it means something. That there is some reason my heart continuously goes hyper-pitter-patter every fucking time.

And then there's the "there's no one else" factor... meaning there's no else I'm interested in at the moment, so it's easy to dream up love affairs with old crushes.

I think I need a couple month break from Cheers. I'm just pathetic with my useless crush... and out of sight out of mind.

FATE - SUPERSTITION (MISS CURIOUS CRAZY TALK):

Okay, I'm a woman of "see it to believe it"... I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or heaven or zodiac signs or Chinese astrology or this or that... but sometimes, just sometimes, I do think, "hmm, what a Leo." That thought is usually followed by a light chuckle at myself.

But then, sometimes I have some SERIOUS, what-ifs... some SERIOUS curiousity. This one time, at a friend's birthday, she had a palm reader... for fun, I got mine read... when the "love of your life" thing came up she said this:

- I see someone you'll be in business with, a family business.
- Pisces
- and I wished upon a toad when I was young and had come up with the name of my Prince

And well, that's all I remember... but 9 months ago, this guy came to work out of our office... his job is one where he isn't in the office often... we really clicked from the get-go even though he's the definition of "preppy" and lives in San Francisco's Marina District... I would make fun of his collared shirts, khakis, and perfect belts.

He'd make fun of me for a million things too. Naturally, he had a girlfriend... but we still had a little flirtation (bad, I know... but nothing inappropriate at all!)... he would talk to me about her, and I'd give him advice, like "stick with it... relationships aren't perfect... they take work." He confided in me about other things and did the classic, "wow, I've never told anyone that."

Anyway... he's no longer in our office, but we still do business... he writes in his emails, "I miss our office romance..." (that's the most inappropriate it's gotten) "Let's give each other songs to download that we think the other will like" are you kidding me?!?! Like, that's my favorite thing to do!!!

But then, he's the kinda' guy that dates chicks who are gorgeous by anyone's standards... the girl that gets her nails done regularly, wears whatever Tiffany's bracelet is hot at the moment, and whose clothes never seem to fade.

You know, the anti-me... who's frizzy haired and curvy and sports thrift store clothes and beyond worn out converse.

Well, he's a pisces, it's a family business... dad started, and he and his brother joined in.... and he has the toad's name.

I know it doesn't mean anything... what it means is that I'M FUCKING CRAZY. And bored. And why the fuck would I even think something like this? I mean, it's just A WEIRD THING TO THINK.

NEW LEVEL OF CRAZY.

Okay. Done with that thought. I'll stop sending him business because the more and more I talk to him the more and more I like him. Bad news. And fuck him for doing what guys with girlfriends do (ahem, Obsession) - acting like they're going to break-up.